The Only Person I've Ever Been In Love With Is Straight. And I'm Gay.

I'm 16 and in love. Now I understand many people reading this will think I'm being too naive; that I may not know what 'love' really is at such a young age. But I've had crushes before, I've really liked guys before. This is something else.

I first met this boy in my English class at college. I'd said to my friend "there's so many good looking guys in college, are there any in this class?" And then I spotted him, to respect him I'll not name him: but instead refer to him as S. He was the most beautiful boy I'd ever had the pleasure of seeing with my own two eyes. The seating plan of the class was rearraned by the lecturer and I was seated next to him. I got to know him, and after a few months began to realise that I had genuine feelings for him.

After more months passed I realised 'like' wasn't the word I could use anymore. His name? It releases butterflies in my tummy. When he smiles? I can't help but smile too. Although we aren't the closest of friends, we're mates all the same - and because I'm gay he trusts me with things he wouldn't like to tell his straight mates. I've heard the story of his first love, which actually made me cry, and how recently girls want him. Want him badly, not that I can blame them. Instead of showing how much I hurt, I give him as good advice as I can. I know he's sleeping with a girl, one of his friends, and the thought makes me die inside. But I laugh along and encourage him.

I like being friends with him, I really do, and I hope our friendship grows so that I can see him more often. But I will always close my eyes and pray that one day, for one brief moment, he will see me the way that I see him. This may sound over-dramatic, but I would give up the rest of my life to spend one night with him. A night of passion, a night of lust - but most importantly, a night of when the act of love is shown with actions. S, the guy, might be gorgeous, but it's not like I'm just interested in him for his looks - his tanned skin, soft green eyes, beautifully shaped muscles, the face of an angel - I love him for who he is at heart. And that is why I will continue to laugh along, give him advice with girls etcetera.

One kiss. That's all I want. Such a simple thing. And yet I know it will never happen, and that is what kills me.
LCROmshompwae LCROmshompwae
4 Responses May 9, 2012

I truly DO hope you things well for you. And i can relate ( that's for another time).

You love him for who he is at heart... that's what you said.
Well, that's touching enough for me. Go on and listen to your heart, mixed with some common sense. You can't get it wrong coz nobody knows everything all the time. You'll do fine. Cheers.

If you know you don't have a real chance with him then try not to fall into the error of living permanently in that "friendzone" state, hoping everyday that something could still happen beetwen you. Trust me i have been there... i was about your age when i fell for this guy, we become great friends and i decided to live the illusion that one day he just might see me the same way i saw him... and i waited, and waited keeping all the pain inside when i gave him advices to, when i saw him with another girl... and slowly this pain destroys you, makes you angry because you can not live that with him... eventualy you will realise you might have lost great oportunities, real ones with another person... and you will regret all the time you lost with something you knew from the beggining that wouldn't happen...

Ditto, i also thinks that , i just want a long passionate kiss by him just want him to start that's all i ever wanted