Falling For My Best Friend Is Ruining Our Friendship

So i'm 18 at university, gay (not out to the world yet) and the other guy is 19 and "straight." We met the beginning of my freshman year and clicked instantly. He is a real stand up guy which drew me in. He took a genuine interest in me and vise versa. We bonded so tightly that we considered each other best friends. We hungout everyday and shared the same social circle. He knew i was gay from day 1 which was awesome because i already felt comfortable telling him. I already knew that it would go no further than friendship so i didn't make any moves or try to push anything. After all he was and still is dating a girl who he is in 100% in love with (possible marriage material). I am also good friends with his girlfriend so me doing anything would upset a very delicate balance. Although occasionally i had noticed hints of less than straight behavior from him. He would put his arm around me once in a while, compliment how i looked, even pretended to be my boyfriend for a few minutes at a concert. I always assumed he was playing around and i didn't read too much into it because i did not think it was smart for me to go there.

So the two semesters flew by and everything was all fine and dandy. I had forgotten about the idea of something happening between me and my bestfriend. Then one night everything changed. The two of us plus a few buddies went up north to a cabin in the middle of nowhere. Needless to say we partied pretty hard. We ate mushrooms, drank and smoked. Now to those who have not done mushrooms, it can be incredibly fun but also makes you discover things about yourself that you have never realized were there. That night he took me on a walk, just the two of us in the dark, and we had an indescribable moment between us. It took me by surprise because he started talking to me like i was his boyfriend or something. I was confused and not ready for that because it brought out feelings that i had been supressing for so long. I went back to the rest of the gang and tried to not deal with it but my he sat next to me and put his arm around me. He started flirting and it was all just a little too much for me because i had not come to complete terms with my sexuality yet. Then he started talking about how he had made so many realizations about himself that night. He got emotional and started crying and i comforted him because i could just sense that he realized he wasn't as straight as he thought he was. We ended up crashing in the same bed and talked for a couple hours. The topic of "us" came up which i really wish it hadn't. It felt like one of those serious relationship talks you hear with BFs and GFs. He would not say anything about how he felt towards me directly. Then he asked me point blank if i was in love with him! I hesitated but i answered his question with a no because i valued our friendship way too much and did not wanna risk it. I said that I cared for him deeply, that he was my best friend and that was more important yada yada yada.

I then asked him hypothetically that if i was in love with him, would he share the same feelings? He then turned everything around on me like i was making a move on him and he said he would stick with his girlfriend at the end of the day. I knew this and that is why i thought it was a bad idea to even talk about this.

After that night i have noticed that my friend gradually started to distance himself from me. Now that school is over it has gotten to the point where he no longer returns my texts and calls. It is rare that i can even get a hold of him anymore. He will not discuss the reasoning why he has pulled away from me but i think i know why. I believe that that night he discovered his sexuality and is having a hard time with it. I don't want to cross that line with him because it would be too much strain on our friendship. I would simply like to remain best friends with him and have it all go back to normal. I'm just curious what others think, if they've been where i am at, and advice on how can salvage my relationship.
mysterymac mysterymac
18-21, M
10 Responses May 18, 2012

To me, there's nothing better than the cold hard truth punching you in balls.screaming, “SUCK IT, *****!” Of course that would make me a hypocrite but that's besides the point. I say storm into his life like the best friend you say you are and demand for answers. Yank the bandage not pull or hesitantly tug. The truth shall set you free.

There are two possible actions to take and two possible outcomes for each action. It all depends on what type of person you are. For example, if you are like me and need answers, you will confront him and ask him if he has feelings for you. You will tell him the truth, which is, that you can see a future for you two because you have feelings for him and that you believe he feels the same for you. He will either accept it, run into your arms and love you eternally (which is unlikely), or he will push you away harder than ever before saying that it's all in your head and that you've allowed yourself to create these ideas in your head.
The second option is that you can avoid the topic eternally and he will eventually come back to you many years later and admit that he had feelings all of this time, (which is unlikely), or you can stay quiet and he will continue drifting away the way he's been doing all this time. I'm the kind of person that feels "if I'm going to lose him now, I might as well confront everything and get it out of the way." If he's strongly opposed to being gay, you may never see him again, but at least you got to say what you needed to say and nothing remains unsaid. If he isn't a homophobe, it may take him a few months/years to come to terms with his attraction to you and he'll eventually come back to you. Obviously, this is a very tough situation, but we'd like to know the outcome, if there is/was one. Take care friend.

As some people have responded, just forget it. I mean yeah you fell for him and yea you tried your best, but still sometimes it's just easier to forget it. I've gone through your situations more than i will ever know. Yet one thing i learned is that, when you like someone but that other person doesn't like you, you gotta stop yourself in your tracks. I say this because when i was in this kind of situation, i literally was crying to my best friend and i felt like the world was over. However, thanks to our bond, she helped me through it. Long story short, your better than he will ever know so maybe it's time to hold yourself to a level where YOU don't fall for the other one, HE falls for YOU.

As some people have responded, just forget it. I mean yeah you fell for him and yea you tried your best, but still sometimes it's just easier to forget it. I've gone through your situations more than i will ever know. Yet one thing i learned is that, when you like someone but that other person doesn't like you, you gotta stop yourself in your tracks. I say this because when i was in this kind of situation, i literally was crying to my best friend and i felt like the world was over. However, thanks to our bond, she helped me through it. Long story short, your better than he will ever know so maybe it's time to hold yourself to a level where YOU don't fall for the other one, HE falls for YOU.

I don't think you'll be able to salvage this friendship. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but this guy doesn't sound like he has the balls to do the work that would be needed for him to come to grips with that is going on in his sexual life. Not to mention that he's probably getting flack from his girlfriend (if she even knows) because she has a vested interest in him being straight. I think, sad as it is, that this friendship is going to become yet another victim of the American weirdness about sexuality and you probably won't hear much more from this guy for quite some time.
But, about the time this guy turns 40, he's going to start looking back and wishing he had taken you up on what was available. Wouldn't be surprised if he's out chasing the boys outside his marriage right around mid-life crisis time.

Also.... many people dont believe that bisexual is real. they assume that you have to be one extreme or the other. which is sad because the vast majority of bisexuals will never ever experience or accept their full sexual potential because they assume that if they accept that they have even a little bit of "gay" in them them, that it will take over and they will become completely gay, That is frightening for most guys. <br />
<br />
I know this because I am in love with my best friend. The unrequited aspect of it actually hurts. He will never ever accept that he is attracted to me and is in fact in love with me. I know that if I pursue that I will loose him entirely, so I just dont go there.

I see this was posted a couple of months ago, so I hope I am not too late. <br />
<br />
first of all OMG. I really feel for you. this is a very sad situation and I relate to it very well. <br />
<br />
the best this to do about this is nothing. Give him room. Give him space. subconsciously this is what he is asking for my distancing himself. If you dont give him space you could loose him. Things will possibly never be the same again because he has grown. <br />
<br />
Magic Mushrooms are used in Shamanistic rituals for spiritual and personal growth. When guided by a shaman, the growth that comes through them is phenomenal. Even using them in a recreational way like you did can be very powerful. You and your friend discovered that. <br />
<br />
He found his true self but now has to process all of what he saw in himself. We live in a society where those feelings he connected with are not necessarily acceptable. We in our culture identify ourselves by our sexuality, which is dumb. I dont personally believe that "this person" is Gay, or "that person" is straight. Labels are so confining and dangerous. We are people, we laugh, we love, we cry, our sexuality is only part of who we are. it is not the defining aspect. <br />
<br />
Your friend does not understand this, and is afraid that he has to change his self identity.<br />
<br />
He is also worried about how his family and peers will treat him too, all because this idea of sexual identity is so huge in our culture. He saw something in himself he has been in denial of, but now he does not have the emotional capacity to go there. <br />
<br />
You are dangerous to him, because he loves you, and is afraid of what that means. <br />
<br />
Give him room, but do not pull away entirely. speak to him less, it will hurt you, but if you love him, then you know you are doing it for him. Maybe he will come around, and maybe he wont. <br />
<br />
if you dont give him space, he may even turn it around on you, like you already saw, and begin to hate you. It is easier blame you than to accept that which is too big for him to accept about himself. <br />
<br />
Even if you loose him, do it with love. love the part in him that cant accept this. and if letting him go ends up being what you have to do, do so with love.

this is great advice for a young man to follow Derek and I hope the writer pays attention to what you have to say. I wish him well that this love should last .

You should just put all the cards on the table...be straight up, open, and honest. I know you don't want to mess up your friendship, and you probably try to move around sensitive topics, but just dig right into them...just say what you think and feel.

Wow its soo moveing. I say that cuz I know what it is like to be in the middle of it. Its soo tempting. Reading your story it reflected on me. If you read my story I stated that I have issue believing in wards. I beleive in acctions. but now after reading your story wow How wards can change things in seconds. But I wonderd If you could have said that you are inlove with him would it had make a difference. I know why you didnt say that. Because you wer tryn to stay at the reality of things its tryn to protect yourself. Cuz we know wat we are and want. Its the question of if they know what they want. Hope to hear your updates good luck.

You say you just want to remain bestfriends with him but it sounds like that you realy love him but somehow you are trying to repress it for some reason... maybe because there is a big chance you will get hurt really bad if things went wrong, you know, since you are so close.<br />
If you really believe that this recent distanciation beetween you is because he might have realise he also feels something for you, then i think you should go for it! <br />
What are you waiting for?<br />
If you have a real conection, and if there is a slight possibility that you can be together you can't let him go! Help him to figure it out...do it together!<br />
You have the chance to live something great, don´t be afraid of getting hurt, because nothing hurts more than being alone... Tell him how you really feel!