It's Important To Be "counted" And Share Your Pain In The Blizzard Of Faded Wedding Bliss.

During "whiteout" conditions, somehow Michigan drivers can see the roads. I know this because they pass "newcomers" like me racing by as if it's a balmy 80-degree day in Florida. I have to wonder: if I can't see the road, how can they? Those native to Michigan must have special sonar vision where they can see beyond the drifting waves of snowfall and "sense" exactly where the road is in order to pass another car, remain on the road, and continue their 90 miles per hour speed! (I have not acquired this skill yet!) lol

So just as the native Michiganders can be generally identified by their driving habits during blizzard snow storms, so we must also identify and "stand up for" the poor souls in this fine state filled with beautiful trees, great ski slopes, wonderful snowmobile trails, and a lake on every corner.......but who aren't having sex! Consider this exercise sort of as a therapeutic one, or if you must, a census count.

On the therapeutic side, it can be self-fulfilling to boldly go where no man/woman has gone before, stand up (or at least write in an EP column), and report that your life is miserable because you haven't had sex in weeks, months, or years! For those familiar with the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) program, consider this in the same way: I stand up, for instance, (we're all seated in chairs, circle formation) and I state: My name is Trapped Without Bars and I live in Michigan in a Sexless Marriage. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............and the weight has been lifted, the "big secret" is out, and my miserable frustration is finally explained. Then, the group will clap and I am empowered. (I didn't say that I have an ******; I said empowered! ha!) Big difference.

On the census count angle, well, that's for the t-shirt order. lol After everyone has finally come forward, and yes, I know this will take courage, we should plan a party! A sexless marriage party. Our spouses will not be invited. For the male spouses, they'll get to spend the day/night at a deer knife sharpening seminar. After all, every deer hunter knows, you can never have a sharp enough knife as you "gut" poor Bambie out in the woods, before you tie him to the roof of your SUV so the blood splatters on my car as you pass. (I just love deer hunting season, can't you tell? ha!)  For the female spouses, well, they will be thrilled to enjoy the same day/night experience with choices: either learning how to scrapbook or how to know a woman in Michigan who can knit her own scarves, hates, mittens, etc. is oh so handy!

Yes, I will volunteer to facilitate the whole event, with a little help from my friends.............ha! Of course, for the frigid spouses who have left us sexless, I will secure the most "boring" instructors in the state............just so they can experience the frustration of being bored, feeling trapped in this seminar, and wanting desperately to strangle the dear "instructor" to excite them, motivate them, or at least get a pulse reading! Yes, they will get to know exactly what it feels like to go to sleep at night -- basically alone, with no kiss goodnight, no hugs, no "I love you's", and certainly no love making.

For the sexless bunch, the group should begin suggesting activities. For example: we could play pin the tale on the penis! We could rent romantic movies, drink wine, and have finger foods.  Everyone could pair up like in grade school -- boy/girl/boy/girl/boy/ get the point, so everyone could hold the hand of another person of the opposite gender.

The obvious location for the fabulous party is none other than Detroit, home of the most depressing decayed metropolitan area on the planet! It's just perfect. We could easily rent one of those boarded-up buildings with gang signs all over them for real cheap. Why, given Detroit's economy at present, they might consider our "sexless group -- that is, if enough people own up to their status in life -- as a tourism opportunity -- and the mayor might present a proclamation as Michigan Sexless Marriage Day.......or perhaps the Big Three Auto Makers will throw in a free car as door prizes -- a generous donation from their government stimulus money and tax breaks they have been given to operate a business in the state.

Artists among the group could submit ideas for the design of t-shirts. Such an occasion should always be commemorated with an event t-shirt. It just wouldn't be right without one. Perhaps I could solicit Trojan (is this right? you see, it's really been too long?) ha!, the condom commpany, to be corporate sponsor of our t-shirts and then all attendees would get this as yet one of many free "surprises" in their welcome packet.

We need to start the planning process now for the party. No one comes out of their house until the summer season (say July -August? maybe) rolls around so that would make for the best travelling across the state.

Just like your high school reunion, there will be plenty of prizes, except for a whole new set of categories:

1. Best line of rejection from your refusing spouse.

2. Best romantic "scheme" you planned to trick them into have sex with you.

3. Person who has gone the longest without sex. (They would receive my vote for winning one of the "Big 3" free cars!)

And the list could go on.............


So, again, there comes a time in every man (and woman's) life when we must look in the mirror and stand accountable for our "lot in life." Now is your   time in Michigan. Stand up and release the Hey, you can either cry about this horrible status or laugh. Wouldn't you much rather laugh?

It's a joke, dear Michigan friends. We live in fake marriages. So, why not call it as it is....................and then have a party to celebrate that we have remained sane without intimacy. We're like a rare species. Consider it a privilege to join a group that is claiming their independence.

I'll be looking for your own accounts of making your voice heard. My roommate will have a great time at the deer knife sharpening event, especially since he doesn't even hunt anymore. Oops............too bad! ha!


Take care,


trappedwithoutbars trappedwithoutbars
46-50, F
2 Responses Feb 21, 2010

Thank you, dear friend. I assumed we might as well "celebrate celibacy" in a fun-filled way, instead of sitting around in tears! <br />
<br />
Take care,<br />

:/ Trapped, another classic story by a talented person. Sad that such situations exits and real people are hurt. Unfortunate life is not simple. <br />
As always, my best thoughts to you my friend. <br />