Save Me From My Self

hi everybody, i'm an algerian young man, i'm 20 years old, a student and i'm gay.
i had never have a relationship or sex relationship with anybody in my life, because it is my biggest secret.

in august 2012, i met a man on chatroulette, he is from usa ,he is gay too.i told him about my secret, we love eachother, and he is my first love .
when i skype with him, i always cry because i want to be with him, so i'm always sad and depressed....i don't eat, i don't focus in my study, last year i was the first in my class but now i don't think so... i always think about him, i always cry in my room, i'm worried about my mind.

and to make this pain stop, i made to biggest and the hardest dicision in my life ;in august 30 , 2014 if i still faraway from him ,i will kill my self, i can't live with such biggest pain in my heart , i miss him so bad....
i know that my family and friends will be hurted,but if i'll be alive the only one person who is hurted is me , so i don't have a choice....." to be happy or not to be".

he can't travel for me because of some raisons, so i have to do it me.but i don't have money to buy a visa , and even if i pay for a holiday they will not accept me ,i don't know why ....if that guy knows that i'll kill my self he will come to me, but i don't want to tell him, i don't want to make him feel guilty about my depression.

I do my best to join him and save my life, i am ready to be a genius for that and ready to be married with an american girl so i can go, i'm ready to do crazy things for my life.

the time is going faster and i want to save my life ....i need help.
hurtedboy hurtedboy
18-21, M
1 Response Dec 16, 2012

Dear Hurtedboy. Killing yourself is not the solution. It will not be any better than this now and when the person that you love finds out that you will do that he will be extremely hurt if he truly love you in return. You are in a much better situation than than someone whose is in love with someone but not knowing that the person they love will love them back. I think for you. It is best to focus on school now and get a job to save lots of money so you can go visit him. Continue to keep in touch with him and ask him to visit you if you cannot get a visa or have the money to see him. Love should be a commitment between two people and if he really loves you he will make the effort to see you. Please do not give up or do anything irrational that will hurt yourself and cannot be undone.