I Seriosly Don´t Know

In fact I have been used by friends since I was a child. I remember that nobody in the kindergarden wanted to play with me, because I had not a mother ( !!!!!! ) Yes, they bullied me all the time that I had not a mother. I was not shy as kid, but I was very worry to get close to the kids because they always asked me about my mother ( she just left me when I was 3) So I was alone. I wanted SO much to play with the others but my anxiety did not allowed. One day my Dad gave me a little bag with candy and I had it in the kindergarden. For my biggest surprise, all children came to me. They wanted candy. Wow... nobody said anything about my mother...!!!!!! I was in the 7`th heaven! I was really not care about the candy- I gave them all. And than what? They just left. Never asked me to play, but just left. For the 2 minutes I felt like the most popular and loved kid in the whole kindergarden. Wow...they came to me!!!! I did not realize that they only were interested in my candy. The next days I came with candy again, and all was the same. They came to me, got the candy and left... I can´t remember my feelings or why I did that, but the last day I had my candy, I got in the back yard in the kindergarden, dug a hole and buried all my candy there. I never got close....I never had a chance.
When I started school, it was the same story. The most of my classmate were from my kindergarden so they knew me already. And guess what? They told the new kids about me, so all of them could bully me :((
They stopped about when we were 10 years old. I guess they grew up, so it was not more interesting to bully me because I did not have a mother. I tried to be more social in the class, to do something to get friends, and I almost got 2 girls, but they were more interested in me when I helped them with their homework...
The same in my adult life. People come and leave... if somebody wants some help for something, yes they come, and I help with pleasure, because I really love to be useful with something if I can help, but they never ask me for something funny, like eat together, go shopping and whatever. If I try to invite somebody, they always said: "I am bussy..."
I don´t thing that I am boring, I do think that I have a good sanse for humor, and I talk to much ( but I also listen;)), so I really don´t know why nobody has interest in me. I give much, I am not selfish, and I am always willing to help. I don´t consider myself as a bad person, but I seems to be bad friend sinse people leave me. I really long for a good friend- maybe just one, but who I know that I can trust 100 % and know that he will never leave me without reason. Sometimes I think that it could be karma. Maybe I am born to be alone.
Polixena Polixena
46-50, F
3 Responses Mar 10, 2012

hi there lilly 78 me his adult baby 247 so will you please chat with me friend baby Michael glencoe2

Wow, you remind me of my childhood experiences...I too didn't have many friends. I was outspoken, and didn't behave like other black children, so I was constantly ridiculed. I was ignored and constantly taunted. But much like my childhood, in my adulthood, I still don't have friends that I can "hang out with." I do want to, but I am awkward one on one, until I get to know you.

I didn't realize it until I saw a therapist and she asked my about childhood. I can be stand-offish, so I am open to meeting people, but sometimes it does not feel natural and feel I appear desperate, then I feel uncomfortable.

But I have seen friendships bloom right in front of me and it often leaves me wondering, why not me? I have been there too or so I thought I was. No one asked me out for drinks or texted me with there issue.

And to top it all off, I feel like I have lost myself. I want to discover something that I enjoy and does not require a lot of effort. I need to rediscover myself. Right now I feel lost and stuck in a rut...work...kids...their extra-curricular activities and the cycle repeats. I come directly home to be available to them, but as they're aging, I feel like "helicopter mom" and they deserve not to get stuck in the same pattern as me. I talk to them unlike my parents did with me about life.

In the 20 years I have been living in this area, I feel I have either made more enemies than friends or people treat me indifferently. I have made one friend and I appreciate her and starting to reconnect with an old friend. I recently came to the conclusion that I must be depressed. Maybe a support group, I tried bible study groups and church and social action groups, but it's not what I need: they're too busy for what I need, so I am contemplating what next. But I want to feel passionate about something , my therapist said it will come; but my phase of motherhood is keeping me busy. And apparently too bust to recognize my depression.

maybe you are talking to the wrong people. shallow people are everywhere, but there is also good people out there. be open minded when picking friends.