Probably Not

I've always led a life of being noticed by everyone who has gravitated around me but now it seems like i wont be missed by anyone when im gone; not even my family. Lately, i've been contemplating how i will commit suicide and which would be the best way to do it so as to not leave people asking why or without closure. But now im thinking why am I even bothering to do so because people have stopped noticing me while im alive, what chance do i have that people will notice me when im gone. I swear that the only thing i want the most is the same thing that i despise the most. I've already committed myself to my plan of suicide and now i just ponder what the aftermath will be like. Will people even notice that im gone, how long will my family take to get over my death, will my old friends ever find out that im dead, will anyone ever stop by my burial plot after my funeral, will the people that i cared for the most ever know the importance they played in my life, or will anyone ever talk about me after im gone? I know this sounds egotistical but there's a million concerns racing through my mind right now and these seem like the most relevant. I feel like i know the answer to all the questions i've asked myself but i truly do not know. What my mind is telling me is that no one but my direct family will ever notice that im gone, my family will have forgotten about me a few weeks after my death, my friends wont know of my death until i pop up in some obituary site 20 years from now if anyone remembers me, no one will stop or even pause by my burial plot, and the people that i have loved in my life will cease to acknowledge my existence because they surely do not acknowledge me now and they really wont when im gone.
misternobrain misternobrain
26-30, M
1 Response Jun 29, 2011

i don't know where to start: first of all so many coincidences..i joined this site yesterday,same as u as it seems..a few hours ago i was in a very bad mood,thinking how it would affect people close to me if i suicide,and later i bumped into one of your stories...and i wasn't even looking for such a subject.Then i read the rest of your stories..<br />
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Im sorry that I don't have any scientific advice,or any kind of advice but it doesn't seem to affect u anyway..and im not going to preach of "how beautiful is life"/ "your family loves u,but they dn't show it to u" and stuff like this,that u have heard/told yourself million times before and u don't believe them in the least,especially when i have problems motivating myself,sometimes even to get up from the bed,as u say.<br />
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So why am i writing to u? not sure but i'm afraid that your story's title is not accurate. Ok,probably your family will overcome your death rather quickly(which i doubt).Probably no one will ever stop by your burial plot after your funeral (which i doubt). Probably the people that u cared for the most,will never realise the importance they played in your life(which i doubt,especially after a suicide).Probably no one will ever talk about u after u are gone(which i doubt). But u know what? <br />
it doesn't matter,cause u will be dead. And even if u believe in afterlife,u won't be able to contact your loved ones anymore...<br />
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So is there someone that is going to miss u for sure?? Yes,d****t it's ME. Me, me.. ME !!! <br />
Me that I don't even know u. Me that I think that u r such a special,highly sensitive person,with a GREAT insight skill just by the way u express yourself through words.. me that it rips my heart to pieces everytime i see people quitting and makes me think: "an awesome person less..." before a few years ,i learnt about an old shoolmate who commited suicide.I barely knew him,but i still think about yes,there will always be at least a person who thinks about u and prefers t see u alive!<br />
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I can see that u r struggling with your old demons,and i know how unable and emotionally disabled it can lead u after a long period. I dn't know how hard was your life to end up feeling the way u do..and i dn't know if i really believe this,but i slightly justify suicide only in one case:<br />
when u have been severely traumatized psychologically (which means extreme life situations like war,not just a love disapointment or a dysfunctional family) and it's combined with a psychotic perception of reality which overwhelms u (even though there is efficient medication of course).So actually no excuses.<br />
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Do u want to give u just 1reason to keep fighting? just 1reason... u r f****** 20 years old !!!<br />
and trust me, u need nothing more! Leave your family,your neighborhood and your old acquaintances behind ,go away -u dn't really need money- try to stand on your feet, and turn your world upside down! <br />
Cause u can. And u know it.