My Life And Confidence Babbling.

Let me start by saying even when I had confidence it wasn't like OH MY GOD I'M BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE! No, it was more like just being able to have fun with out noticing the weird stares.

I used to live in a little town called Roseville. Its in California near Sacramento, though it was small and quiet, there was a lot going on. It was that type of place where everyone knew each other and rumors spread like wild fire. Well I moved there when I was four so practically my whole life. I met my best friend Adrian, we've been best friends since Kindergarten (Can you believe that?!) haha he's awesome. Of course we have our fights and we don't talk as much as we used but we're still very close. I used to be that girl that was always telling people to get out of their comfort zones and just stand on a table and dance. I was never quiet unless I was REALLY down. Even then I wouldn't show it to anyone just so I wouldn't ruin their day. I was that girl people were scared of. Mainly because of the people I hung out with out of school. You see I'm Mexican and at that time I was rocking the 'thug' look or 'Chola' look. Either way I look like a bad kid that you shouldn't mess with. For some part of my life that was true but I think I seriously am like a big cuddly bear. I love hugs and cute things. I cry when I watch Titanic.. who doesn't?! haha Anyways, so I loved Roseville and people there knew me, I knew where I was going in life. I wasn't so good in school (As in grades) and that was mainly because I wasn't always in school. Once I got into High School, freshman year.. I became really unhealthy. Ever since I was young I've had seizures and horrid back pains that I just call my pain attacks. It always happened at random, no warnings just all of a sudden PAIN, horrible.. HORRIBLE PAIN!!! When ever I had them in stead of going to the hospital my dad would get up from bed (always happened at night or in early mornings) and drive me around. We would go as far as the nearest lake which was 20-30 minutes away. The motion of the car would help ease the pain but not make it go away. You're probably wondering why I didn't go to the hospital huh.. well thats because every time we did go we got the same answers. From different people too.
Answers:
1.) It's caused by extra fluid in your back. (They took no exams, no blood test either)

2.) She's faking it. (They said that right in front of me)

3.) It's caused by some issues in the brain waves. (Once again NO TESTS)

4.) It's caused by stress (My moms answer)

5.) We can't seem to find anything but we'll give you these pills to subside the pain. (In other words they GAVE UP) *Pills didn't do *****

Well yeah they gave up on me. I spent most of my freshman year in the hospital or at home crying over pain. And once I found out we were moving I was having seizures twice a month when I used to have them twice a YEAR. Big difference. That's when I declared that my seizures were from stress (Mom is always right)

Well anyways I tried keeping my head up high about the move. I hung out with my friends a lot more and made sure we made some UNFORGETTABLE memories. I was having so much fun and was even still able to plan my quince. (Sweet 15, coming of age ceremony for Hispanics) what usually takes a year or two to plan, I planned mine in two weeks. I was so excited and nervous the day of my quince. That day I figured out who my real friends are because a lot of my so called friends didn't come because there was another quince on the same day. Even my cousin didn't want to be there. Once my party started I was happy, dancing and cuddling up to two guys I liked. ( I was a flirt )

Well soon after we moved, to Kansas. I HATED it, with a passion. I was used to clear and sunny skies and were when it rained we partied because it hardly rained. Now I live in a place where when it's sunny, you feel like dying because of its humid climate and when it rains it still effin hot. At the start of moving to Kansas I became really sick and had to go for a check up. When I told the doctor about my health issues she became upset and ordered a follow up at the hospital. She said that it sounds like Gal stones. Its funny because my mom even mentioned that to my other doctors but they said it couldn't be. It runs in my family so why wouldn't I have it?! Any ways when I went, they scanned my tummy and what do you know GAL STONES... I didn't find out right away. I went to another check up with the 1st doc and when she told me the results I cried. Not because they found something bad, but because now its proven that there WAS something wrong with my body. I was faking and I was trying to get attention. Soon after I found out that I needed surgery to remove the stones. The day of the surgery I was scared but since my dad took a day off for me I felt better. I know at the age of 15 I should have been less scared but I even had to bring my lucky stuffed animal (it's a horse) After the surgery they informed me that the stones were too big and they had to remove the whole gal bladder (it's not your actual bladder) and that a lot of things about my eating would change. Which was true, I gain weight faster (not to fast) I also can't take spicy food that much and as a Mexican and my fathers daughter is a SHAME! I loved spicy food. But im happy that I don't have pain anymore. So good & bad things came from moving. Shortly after my surgery I started school and slowly made friends. I actually hung around a bunch of different people instead of the 'gangster' like people. I had a blast I met my new 2nd best friend Christine. She's wonderful, she's my wifey haha. Any ways after all the good things happened, the bad comes. While my grandma went to visit Cali (she moved with us) she passed away. She had a heart attack and went through a lot. She was fighting for her life, she constantly kept waking up and falling back to unconsciousness. My mom and older sister flew out and witnessed everything. All I could do is stay emotionless. I was never close with her, even though I'm Mexican I don't know a lot of Spanish. I never had a real conversation with my abuela. I miss her a lot. She passed away on June 1st, 2009. Then after her, two friends past away. People started blaming me for their ruined relationships and friendships. Friends started to become strangers. I was held back in school and just gave up. Then when I moved again and went to another school I gave up on making new friends, I didn't want them. It was unavoidable though. I made new friends and things got better. I chased after a guy and got him, I was doing better school wise. I was helping more around the house. I was dressing better and I once again got back into my passion for writing. I was in newspaper and met more people who were strange and wonderful. My teacher Mrs. Stout was a BIG help, I love her so much. Then the 2nd year came along, and I broke up with my BF (he cheated) I stopped doing work, didn't care how I looked and then my friends dad passed away and I found out by Facebook.. he was like my 2nd dad. He was my padrino 'godfather' In my quince. He bought me my crown and we even had a special dance. He used to call me 'Stinky Feet' he would blame his stinky feet on me hahahahaha I miss Papa Bear. I was so depressed after that. I became distant and didn't let anyone else in my heart. I was done with hurting. If I heard about one more death I would go mad I swear. I stayed that way even after my last year of high school (I didn't graduate)

I tried going to adult school but didn't go constantly. I'm now anti-social, Im enrolling into adult school again. I'll be 19 next week and I still haven't found a job. I really want/need one. The reason why I think I became even more anti-social is because of my new interests. When I talk about the things I am now interested in, people (Family & some friends) laugh and think its weird. So I tend to scurry away and stay in my own little world.

In 2010 I became a Kpop Fan. Kpop is Korean Pop.. to me Kpop is way better than American pop or spanish music Bachata y regge. I love all music but I do prefer Kpop. Even if I don't understand the lyrics, I think the groups are wonderful and amazing and of course Sexy. Even the girl groups, they have me questioning my sexuality I swear. Who ever is reading you should look up some Kpop.

My Favorites:
SHINee
Big Bang
2NE1
SUPER JUNIOR
PSY
BAP
F(X)
SNSD (Girls Generation)
Jay Park
2PM
2AM
BI (RAIN)
NU'EST
MBLAQ
DAL*SHABET
SUPREME TEAM
Dynamic Duo
ZION T.
Wonder Girls
Miss A
Sistar

You can tell I like Boys better.. they're SEXY! So are the girls though.. grr..
anyways after finding Kpop I've become happier but it still can't seem to step outside and have fun. I always feel like I'm being judged and I look and feel horrible. Even if I put some effort to my looks.

I did get a lot of confidence after I dated Carlos (I fell in love with someone I've never met) it's on my confessions. He was the one, still is except we're not together nor are we keeping in contact. I'm ready for a new relationship but before that I want to build up my confidence and improve myself so that I don't make the same mistakes and won't crumble later. My first step in improving was to finally talk about myself on here and asking for help. I know it's going to be hard but Im really willing to take the risks and do what I have to to join the confidence train hahaha
Wish2BeLoved Wish2BeLoved
18-21, F
Sep 10, 2012