Should I Leave My Drug Addict Husband He Says He Changed! Help!

I have been married to my husband now for just over 13 years.  We have been together since high school and neither of us ever really dated anyone else.  The marriage has been rocky at times, and he has pretty much been lazy and selfish most of the time.  We have two kids, age 9 and 5. He has never been violent, and he is a pretty good father. He has been self employed for most of our marriage and he has never really made too much success of it.  He has been promising me for years that he would buy us a house and pay for all the things I want but so far he hasn't been able to do it.  He also is pretty much a fat slob and has allowed himself to gain weight and was close to 290 pounds.  I am finishing grad school and will be done by the end of the year and will be able to get a decent job to support myself if need be.  Anyway long story short, he sits me down about 10 weeks ago and tells me that he is addicted to painkillers for the last two years!  I had suspected something but never really knew. Anyway he tells me that he spent all the money and that he has been spending all our money for the last few years to support his habit.  Also, because of this we almost had the car repo'd. We have lost our (rental) house and now I live with my parents. He got himself a cheap little 2 bedroom house and he is currently working as a pizza delivery. So here's where it gets tricky.  He claims that he had a realization about a month ago that he is a selfish jerk a**hole and that he never knew this before about himself.  He claims that he will never take another drug again (and he hasnt since dec5th, I've seen the drug tests) and that all he has to do is work hard (which he has never done) this year and we will have plenty of money.  He says he realized that all the problems we were having were primarily his fault and that now that he realized this he will be a completely different person.  He claims that it took me leaving him for him to realize all these things.  I know if he works at his business (It is seasonal and doesnt start until mid march) that he is very capable of making money.  I am just so hurt and disappointed and angry at him.  He says now that he was a complete idiot and didn't realize how selfish and mean he was being and that until just a month ago, he blamed all of our problems on me. But now that he knows it was him all along, he wants me and the kids to come back to him so he can show me all the changes he has made, and how nice I will be treated.  He has asked me for six months to show me that he can make a good living, get into shape, and treat me and the kids right.  He has already lost 45 pounds in the last 10 weeks and is working two (crappy) jobs.  He left me with a lot of debts to pay off and currently has no money to give me, but I understand that he cant really make money until spring.  So the question I have is, should I give him another chance to show me that he really has changed this time.  He says that I can give him random drug tests anytime I want and that he will sign an agreement that if any are positive that he will give me everything and pay me most of his income for several years.  He says that he is going to treat me right and work hard and make plenty of money and that as long as he is drug free he will be able to do this.  I have seen him several times over the last few weeks and he looks much better and thinner, he is being very nice to me and offering to take care of the kids and do just about anything he can to help me out.  Right now I have to work two jobs, take care of the kids alone and go to grad school.  He wants me and the kids to move into his little crappy house for a few months while we look for a nicer place when he starts making money again in April.  He also claims that he realizes now that he truly does love me and wants to treat me like a queen and make me happy.  I have lost the love for him over the last few years, but he claims that once I see how well I am treated and how much money he can make that I will start to get those feelings back.  I really would like to have a solid family and not be divorced for my kids sake as well.  But if he doesnt do what he says then I will have to uproot the kids again and move out and get divorced.  Also he says that in a few months I will not have to work my part time jobs anymore and can just focus on the kids and school.  I have never really lived on my own before in my life. So should I give him a chance to show me he can be different and drug free, and hard working and give me what I want?  Or should I divorce him now because people can't ever change?  Also, the crappy house he is in is not really up to my standards, but if I get divorced I'm sure I will have to get something along the lines of it.  He says that I need to see what its like living there so I will know if I get divorced where I will have to live. He has been treating me nice, and looking much better, and he is drug free now and going to AA and NA meetings and a counselor.  We have a marriage councelsing appt later this week. What should I do? Start fresh on my own with two kids or take him back and see if he can truly be a different person and give me everything he claims to be able to? I just don't know what to do.  Can people change?  By the way we havent had sex in over a year because he was fat and disgusting and I had no respect for him.  Now he is looking better and treating me nice and he wants me to stay out all night with him after a nice dinner on Valentines day.  Should I do that? Should I move into his crappy house or wait until he can afford a house I want?  I am not really thrilled with living with my parents on the pull out couch and I'm sure they would like me to find my own place or go back to my husband.  Advice please? Anyone have similar situations? Sorry this is so long but there is a lot on my mind that needed to get off.  Thanks and PLEASE tell me what you think?????

marshall123 marshall123
1 Response Jan 28, 2010

I think everyone deserves a second chance, with that being said (only ONE chance) and if they blow it, the door is closed and there is no turning back. In your case it is not that easy, it seems for the most part of your relationship he was far from a "great husband" but you say he has promised to change. Saying it is one thing but seeing it is another, and it seems you have seen it with him losing some weight, holding down two jobs andfor that i applaude him. I think what you need to do is weigh up the pros and cons, ask yourself will this really benefit me and the kids? If i were you i would not move in with him, i would get myself on my own two feet with my kids and start fresh (this does not mean that you cannot "make ammends" with him) you can still talk to him and not have to "physically" live with him. He has made the effort to change and thats all good and well but you need to think of number one first, financially set up yourself and the kids and then think twice what you will do with him