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He Never Admitted To Being Gay, But....

I'm wondering if he was. We were only married 3 years, and have been divorced almost 2 years now.  But we have a 23 yr old daughter together. He left me when I was pregnant but we reconnected and gave it another chance. In hindsight, I see it was better to leave the past behind!

My boyfriend feels I should just admit that I was married to a gay man and stop feeling that our awful marriage and all its problems was all my doing.

I'd appreciate some input here. Hopefully, I won't offend anyone, but I'd like some opinions. I take responsibility for my part in our problems, for sure...but maybe my boyfriend is right--I never stood a chance with this guy.

First--let me say, there are some reasons I think he's just a loser guy who is actually A-Sexual rather than Homosexual. He hardly EVER wanted to have sex with me, even in the early days:

1. He had several very attractive girlfriends throughout high school, and then he dated me. We obviously were sexually active, but he was more into getting drunk and high. I thought he was being "considerate".

2. He is VERY overweight and is a heavy smoker which I've heard affects sex drive.

3. He is COMPLETELY unconcerned with his appearance, including grooming. Very messy, unkempt, and often just downright dirty. When we first got back together he was clean, but that was short-lived. That doesn't seem to fit the stereotype of a gay man (I know, I KNOW...it IS just a stereotype, but, you know what I'm saying, right???).

OK...so here's my list of things that point to him being gay:

1. His best friend since grade school is gay. Of all their friends, my ex was the ONLY one to refuse to accept his "gayness"...it was off limits to discuss so his friend just avoided it altogether. The two of them often made me feel like the outsider when we'd go out and his friend and I did NOT care for each other much. We ALWAYS had to include him, though.

2. He became an RN about 4 yrs ago, after being in a very blue-collar, factory-type career until age 40. Huge shock to everyone who knew him.

3. He LOVED pina coladas and colorful, fruity drinks...with the flower in it. I used to order a beer, he'd get the mega-strawberry margarita...and sip it, with his pinky in the air. We actually argued about him holding his glass that way! It was embarassing to me.

4. His favorite musicians are REM, Alison Kraus, B-52's.

5. We were married for two weeks before we had sex as a married couple. Even then, it was VERY "brief". We'd go months without any contact at all, and when I would initiate it he'd usually refuse, saying he was too tired from his long work shifts. Towards the end, he'd say he couldn't have sex w me because I was too mean to him. I even tried the "sure fire" way to get to a man, oral...and he said he wasn't really "into" that much.

6. More than a few times, my ex and his BFF would go to the restroom together at a bar and come back laughing hysterically because they had taken pics of each other's penises with their phones. Then they would both send them to MY phone. I was never amused. They would also make phallic symbols out of napkins and fruit, etc and take pics of those too. They thought that was super hilarious!

7. When we'd all go out together, his friend would usually stay overnight with us. By 2-3 am, I'd go to bed upstairs but the two of them would stay up drinking. My ex never would come up and sleep in our bed then, he'd stay downstairs and they'd both sleep on the sofas.

8. I found a **** DVD in his truck. It was "bareback some-thing or other". I heard that's a gay reference. My ex said it was his friend's. Since my ex never seemed interested in ****, I wondered why his gay friend would give him a *****...a GAY *****.

9. When we attended his 20th class reunion, I made sure I looked great for him. I'm very tall and, at the time, was very thin, dressed great, etc. Plenty of the men there gave me attention, except for him. He would take my arm from holding his and push it down, next to his side. He said we were being inappropriate.

10. He literally cringed when I would touch his hair or "pet" on him. He hated back rubs or anything else of that sort.

I could keep going but this is ALREADY so long! Tell me what you think. Please don't lecture me, though! I'm not homophobic...I just wanted the man I was married to be into me. He obviously wasn't, but was it because of HIS issues? Or am I using that as a cop out for just not being good enough for him?

ChasingMyTail43 ChasingMyTail43 41-45, F 3 Responses Nov 5, 2009

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Well congratulations to you for moving on... Yeah, there were many clues to him being gay but I don't blame you. I think i'm in the same boat and it's only now the pieces are starting to fit, you know? It takes a while when you are in love.

No...I realized I was NOT in love with this guy and never regretted leaving the marriage. I THOUGHT I was, but that was due to the way we ended things the first time around.<br />
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Both comments sound EXACTLY like what my bf has told me...and HE encouraged me to post the question so I could see he wasn't just being biased against the ex. <br />
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I WAS definitely disrespected and now that I'm finally in a totally mutually respectful relationship, I realize I've had very low expectations of what I deserve. <br />
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Thanks for the TOTALLY unbiased insight!!!

are you KIDDING me? gay Gay GAY!!!! definetly. albeit, a dirty gay bloke, gay nonetheless. HELLOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!