Damn!

Damn! I am so different. There are a lot of insecurities i overcame by the time i left highschool.  i finally felt like i had my life together. i knew the direction i wanted to go in. i had my priorities straight. i was taking immaculate care of myself. i was following my dreams and goals. and most important i only had people around me who were worthy of being around me. who gave as much as i did, and loved as much as i did. I didnt settle for ****. no was not an option. failure was not an option. I was good until 25 when i met my husband who was good to me at first. but once he had me and started acting a fool,  i reverted back, i feel to highshool, or junior high actually. trying to fit in, trying to impress him, being confused being usure. trying to get the cool guy by any means neccessary. 5 years later and i am still in this ****** up rut. I truly believe deep down my husband loves me but i need to love me more. i have to find me again. i have to put me first again. i am overweight, broke, sick, sad, stressed. all for trying to give someone love when they need much more than that and what they need really cant come from me. Hopefully i will get me back. i am going to try my best!

goldie25 goldie25
31-35, F
8 Responses Mar 10, 2010

she and i have talked briefly a few times in the last couple months, but no big heart to heart yet.

i was wondering about that situation with your niece too, we havent spoke in so long. it proably is a good thing in some ways but its still bugged out to me that she hasnt even tried to reach out. no matter how mad or how big the arguement you have went over and beyond for her. i could never stay that mad at family. but everyone is different.

i know all about caring too much, putting others first and neglecting your own needs and well being. i went through that with my niece, always being there for her, helping her and seeing her through her dramas and it was taking a toll on me. i hate that we haven't talked in 4 months, but i have to admit that not having her dependent on me has been a nice break. i've felt less stressed and more focused and i think the seperation has been good for her as well too. let her get by on her own without having auntie/mommy to run to.

i know girl. i tell myself that all the time, but i just care too much. you know that saying you either have to be an idiot or a saint. i think they made that saying for me.

you have to make yourself your #1 priority again.

No i made all these changes really for him and for the sake of our relationship. he is very insecure and jealous.

have you talked about these feelings with your husband? is he the kind of guy who would feel threatened if you changed to become more who you want to be, or will he care that you're unhappy and support you? you never know.

someone i trust once told me that she wanted to stay with the wrong man to help her children at first, but then realized that she couldn't do that to herself anymore. that she had to give a little bit to herself and be with someone she really loves. i don't know maybe this dosn't help you much but i hope you can get to where you want to go. good luck!