Still Trying to Figure It Out

I've met and I think I have feelings for someone.  He's older than me but works in the same institution.  Recently we've been spending time together - going to exhibitions and concerts.  I like and admire him though he makes me feel a little nervous.  Last Saturday, he asked me to come to his place for lunch and then on to an exhibition.  When I got there, he cooked, and we ate and chatted and laughed and decided not to bother with the exhibition.  Lunch turned out to be a ten hour day together.  I realised that I had to leave to get the train home.  When I got up to go, he seemed startled and kept talking about how he didn't feel that he'd entertained me enough.  I gave him a hug and thanked him for a lovely day.  In other words, I gave him the opportunity to kiss me. He patted me gently (paternalistically?) on the back and saw me out of his flat but didn't walk me to the front door of the building.  I asked him if he'd like to go to a play later that week - one that I'd been given tickets for.  He vacillated saying something about another appointment. I left feeling disappointed and saddened.

Next morning I went running and managed to have an accident in which I sustained quite severe facial injuries. I spent most of the day in A&E and have been off work since then.  That evening I checked my email to find a lovely message saying that he thought I was a special person and inviting me to spend some time with him in his cottage in the P*****s and suggesting that yes, he might be able to go to the theatre after all as he could perhaps change his existing appointment.  I am now thoroughly confused.  Is this man interested in me or not? Of course British men (ex-public- school-boys)  are not known for their openness and ability to communicate emotions. Nevertheless...

Meanwhile, my face has swollen up to the size of a balloon and I have ten stitches running from my mouth to my nose. I can't eat and I feel sick.  When he heard what had happened he seemed full of concern and emailed and texted me to ask if there was anything he could do, and that he was worried about me.  But I'm still away from work and I can't face the thought of him seeing me like this. On the other hand the wounds might take months to heal.  What if he's appalled when he sees me again?

I don't know what's going on.  He might well be someone looking for a friend.  He might be looking for more.  I just can't work it out.  And I can't do anything about it while I look like some kind of creature from the deep.

bb10sss bb10sss
36-40, F
Mar 12, 2009