When people look at me I wonder if they see things all the same as each other or differently. I'm "Anny" to my friends (2) who accept my really big and obvious problems. I like them. I'm 'Freak', 'Spaz', 'mental', 'nutter', or other less imaginative names to most of the kids at school. I see the looks on people's faces of unease or boredom and even disgust as if I trapped them if I start to talk and get stuck on a word or feel I must repeat it 3 times. But I have sometimes obsessed on what a person REALLY sees when they see a person like me? Are we the human garbage on the periphery that will always just kind of blow aimlessly in the parts of life that no one else cares to inhabit? Or maybe we are seen as the sewage pits like in 3rd world countries to be avoided at all cost by normal people and only seen by others who, like me am part of the problem, and by dedicated specialists who want to try and clean us up so we are presentable to society? Am I seen as horrible as the bullies in my form, or as hopefully and beautifully as by my home therapist who has never flinched or made a face when she has to touch me in therapy, hold me and calm me after I panic or just sit and talk to me as if I were none of those things above. I would like to know how you all see me. With Aspergers. Sometimes getting overwhelmed and screaming and hitting myself, sometimes just staring at you completely unable to understand your words about feeling and emotion. Unable to touch you or allow you to touch me without it feeling like I was just slapped or electrified or bitten - I don't really know or understand it..but your simple touch or hug or affectionate arm on my shoulder feels like a vice that is pinning me down, I panic, I scream. My hands move a lot and I don't know why. I have to be clean. I feel every piece of dirt and oil or sweat and even the impurities in the shower water that my da finally had to install a filter for me. When I'm anxious and you came to celebrate my birthday, brought me a nice gift that I will plead with my mother to get rid of because we already have exactly the right number of things in the house, in my room, in my room...but I'm anxious so I can't leave my room, see people or hear the loud singing, worry about a balloon popping or my aunt hugging me or having to eat sugar in the cake..even though the cake is white like I asked. How would you see me? How would you react to me? I obsess about this sometimes because so many people look at me with faces that I don't understand the meanings behind. I understand words though.
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4 Responses Aug 17, 2014

That is a difficult question to answer. I wouldn't call you names though. I'd do my best to understand and not upset you.

Thank you. That's a very kind thing to say.

I think you are great :)

People are afraid of things that are unfamiliar to them. After they start to know about things better it helps them understand and tolerate more. If they knew better and got to read or hear something you have written over there they might understand a bit better. At least I did. Of course there are self-centered immature and mean people over there but hey that's what world is like. Sadly...

The way I see it you probably find some of my quirks rather unnerving or odd too....... like my need to prepare my food a certain way before I can eat it......you probably have a few funny quirks too, so I see you like I see everyone else strange and different from me but somehow just like me strange and different (if that makes sense you are a genius and I need to learn how to speak words)

I eat food in a weird way. My baked potatoes must have the skins removed them i mash them and mix in sour cream and butter and salt. I cant eat pasta with out layering it in a bowl most times.