Persevering Through Trials

Persevering through trials

I’m not a pessimist. I’m an optimist, but I do always wonder when life will get better. It hasn’t really been an easy life for me. In fact, it’s been down right difficult and painful. I won’t say it’s totally terrible. There are many parts of my life that I do enjoy like when I spend time with God, see the Holy Spirit move, and when God uses me. I enjoy serving people. I love my job helping others in all age groups, and feel in many ways that I am making the most of my life and contributing to society. I also teach a bible study to children once a week.  But personally, closer to home, my life leaves a lot to be desired. It’s the home life I struggle in. That’s because from an early age, maybe from the age of 1 onward I was sexually abused by my father-and abused in many other ways too. It was so severe I repressed it. It involved ritual abuse, being shared with others, suffocation, $&M, and possibly some Satanism. God saved me somehow. I survived, and when you go through something like that and you have a Savior, well there is no other way to be safe and there is no other hope. I spent a lot of time learning how to cope and I’m quite good at it. I’m what you call a survivalist. I’m high functioning in so many ways. There’s a sense of shame in the ways I’m not, in the ways the trauma has continued to hurt me despite years of therapy and healing from God.

My young adult life was spent acting out, sexual compulsiveness, promiscuity, a lifestyle of fear and intolerable pain. God delivered me. I had a baby out of wedlock at 26 and then I realized I needed help. I focused on my own therapy for 6 years, getting better, and stabilizing. This helped a lot. I found God again after 6 years of rebellion and seeking other types of comfort for my pain.  Somehow, he brought me into a new relationship with Him, a new knowing and understanding of his love for me and everything began changing. I won’t say overnight. No, it was slow, gradual changes, moving upwards into the light away from fear and darkness. I am moving forward, but the darkness follows like the shadows I can’t get rid of.

 After all that healing I was finally ready for marriage at the age of 34.  This is where you truly are tested, where you can see exactly how much you have been healed, where all the weaknesses are exposed. Perhaps it is God’s way of allowing the filth in you to come to the surface and be skimmed off or allowing the hidden to be exposed by His glorious light so he can bring further healing into those dark areas. I wish that healing was quick, but it never has been for me. This is my 11th year of emotional recovery, after recognizing the abuse.

I was a little impulsive in the marriage. I thought I heard from God. We decided we were right for each other within a couple of weeks and we were married within a few months of courting. This was so unlike me because I had spent 6 years abstaining from sex and mostly avoiding dating before meeting my husband and I was so overly cautious. But there was one way I did entangle myself: I had gotten involved in a very confusing, pseudo/romantic, intimate friendship for several years before meeting my husband which turned out to be a strong soul-tie, which still persists to this day, regrettably. I was obedient to God in breaking off the relationship for a whole year, when God finally brought me my hubby. It all seemed so magical at the time. I had prophesies and confirmations, and my husband and I shared a passion for God and a similar style of relating to God. This turned out to be really one of the only things that would hold us together.

You see, my husband hasn’t had job stability in the three going on four years we have been married. This has led to extreme poverty and lack of comfort, and ultimately many every day triggers regarding my safety. It’s just tough to live so comfortless all the time. On top of that he has anger control problems. My daughter became jealous of his attention towards me from the get go, and consequently it has been a tension-filled marriage with me frequently in the center of the battles. He had no experience parenting coming into the marriage, and so he often locks into power struggles with her, and things escalate quickly. I feel so helpless when they fight. How far is too far? When do I leave? They both act like children. She provokes him. He reacts like an 11 year-old. He provokes, too. They are so much alike. There are moments of love and peace, but there is mostly tension. There are unmet needs.

 And the romance? It’s dwindled.  I’ve lost attraction to him and I’ve lost desire. I struggle not to fantasize about the other unfulfilled love I had prior to hubby. The feelings never magically went away like I thought they would. Although I’m still good friends with this other guy I keep limited contact with him, like once or twice a year, just to make things more manageable, cleaner.

And God is always telling me about my wonderful future… what he’s show me is so awesome…full time missionary, accomplished writer, international speaker, healing through the arts, office of the prophet, and prosperity and peace. Everyone will turn out Ok.

Sometimes I wonder, that’s if I don’t screw up, right? That condemnation comes back again.

And it’s constantly a battle, learning how to change my perspective, see things through His eyes. Learning how to hold on, stand strong, and keep my faith.

He gave me a revelation today in Romans 8:20,

“For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.”

God allows us to suffer these things so that we can learn to overcome and be liberated. The more we go through and overcome, then the freer we are. Ultimately, God desires us to be free from all fear and for us to trust him 100%. But if I don’t go through the hard time God could never show me his faithfulness, and I would never learn how to overcome it. When I do get through these trails and tests my faith will be that much stronger, it will be refined through the fire. It will be as good as gold. Nothing, nothing, then, can ever take that away from me.

But I often wonder how long? And when? When do I press through to the other side? When do I overcome fear? When does life get easier and better?

For now, I will continue to persevere and overcome, and someday I will be an over-comer. Actually, I already am. But someday, the victory will be totally mine and the Lords, and everything I dream about will take place. Nothing can stop God or his plans. He has good plans for us, to give us a hope and a future, full of good things. (Read Jeremiah 29:11)

hiddenbutterfli hiddenbutterfli
36-40, F
4 Responses Jun 10, 2007

I thought I heard GOD, your second sentence in your fourth paragraph, these are the same words I have said time and time again about my ex-fiance. I must say that I think your just amazing to still be standing after all you've endured, and reading your letter is an inspiration to me today. I've never been abused but have suffered from depression on and off since I was a young girl, and now that I'm 31 it has come back with a vengeance. I do good to get up and go to work, if I could survive on being at home I would, I just want to hide from life but I have a son that needs me! My faith in GOD makes my battle with depression that much worst, because I feel that by me letting this overwhelm me it's like my faith isn't strong enough or that I've given up but I haven't.<br />
My relationship with GOD was so strong about 4 years ago, but then I meet my ex. The relationship with him started like a fairly tale and I thought I heard GOD speak to let me know he was the one, but now that It's over I'm confused. I was single for 3.5 years before I meet my ex and thought GOD sent him to me. My ex and I instantly felt that we were meant to be and he proposed after 9 months of dating, but I started having doubts at the 6 month mark but I accepted his proposal anyway. I have much faith in GOD, so when I had the doubts I brushed it off as if I was just scared. As off today we have been separated for almost a year and it's still has me questioning myself, but I know this if he is my husband, he wasn't my husband then. I say that because when I look at what GOD has shown me for my future, that man didn't have the qualities of the husband GOD is going to send me will have. I say that to say this, GOD works in mysterious ways and I wouldn't be surprise If my ex and I cross paths a month later or years later with a different outcome. I know this for sure I don't want to be in a relationship just to be in on, I want to be with the man GOD choose for me before the beginning of time!!<br />
I spoke to a friend of mind for her opinion, because I was so confused over the break-up, and this is what she said,"GOD WILL NOT SEND YOU SOMEONE THAT WILL TAKE AWAY, GOD WILL SEND SOMEONE TO RESTORE". Even though I'm still confused sometimes, just that word she gave me is so honest and pure it helps me to remember that the break-up was the right decision for now and if it's meant GOD will send us back to one another one day and it will be the way it was meant with GOD's blessing.

i have god in my life 2 but that doesnt stop the heartache of life.the pain ,the rejection of people u loved and trusted.God brings peace but life doesnt.No matter how much we try 2do the right thing theres always another bridge 2 cross.A new battle 2 fight.Why do some cruise along in life and others fight so hard 2 survive?Death may bring peace but life has 2be lived first.Be strong and when hes ready he will take u home and maybe ur questions will be answered.

I have found that most of the time when we are in a dark lonely place it takes time to reach the light, so to speak. When Peter walked on the water what happened when he took his eyes off Christ? That's right he faltered, he started going down. The same is true in our lives we have to keep our eyes ahead of Him. <br />
I think that we want a day to mark on the calender when we say I have overcome, I am pas his battle. Sometimes God reaches down and give that healing. Sometimes He reaches down and gives us strength to endure the struggle. I don't which way He will respnd to your pain, but I know He will no leave you. If He ahose you to bear this burden long term He will be beside you all the way.<br />
Stay strong. You have chosen to give God glory in your life. That is evidence of a srong lady.

Ya, what you saying is right. There is no room for faith and fear. God knows what you need to be happy. As you stay faithful God will reward in many ways.