She's Become Someone I Don't Know..

Wow..where to start? I have a really hard time talking about this in real life with my friends or my husband..because I hate letting people see me that vulnerable if I can avoid it. But there are somethings I just need some help..understanding..rationalizing and getting over.

My mom and Dad have been divorced since I was 4. And although I was old enough to remember the newness of 2 houses..I was thankfully not old enough to remember the bitter fighting that must have led up to the divorce. During my childhood..my Dad struggled to remain civil with my mom..who bad mouthed him alot!!! My mother though...really was a GOOD mom. Yes she made some mistakes and I am QUICK to point them out to my Dad considering he was where she made the biggest mistakes. But the other stuff...was GOOD! I remember her taking care of me while I was sick, writing me notes telling me how proud she was of me..how much she loved me. I remember her jokes..the fun we had just all hanging out at home. I remember before she met my step-dad..working nonstop to make enough to give us what we needed. I remember the family we meshed together..the step-siblings, step-dad, Mom, little sister and me..all doing things together. And when I was a teenager...I hurt her so many times. Leaving her all night long..not knowing where I was..or who I was out with. I got arrested, made some stupid teenage choices..left school..moved all over from friend to friend..stressing her out..and making her unable to sleep..or relax. I called her one night..while on a particularly bad trip..and she talked to me on the phone..calmly about the weather..knowing the lecture was going to have to wait until I could HANDLE it. When I had my kids..she helped me get ready for them, buy things, take me to the Doctor's..to the hospital..she was there at every exam/ultrasound..and every appt. until they were born with her in the delivery room. Once my daughters came..my relationship with my mom seemed to take another turn. I was closer, more appreciative, able to see..what she sacrificied and did for me..and she was able to see me grown up, protecting and caring for my girls..who she was just CRAZY over. She was at my house once a day every day..until her seperation happened.

Her and my step dad had always fought about my sister. She had zero respect for my step Dad..and treated him like he was only there until my mom chose Britt over him. This went on for 13 years.. and then the day came..when my sister was pregnant (purposely), broken up with her boyfriend (who we all warned her was a jerk), unemployed and unwilling to be a contributing part of the household (respect my step-dad, clean things up when she was home ALL day)...and my mom let her move in and behave this way. One night..after a particularly rough day with my sis. My step-dad and Mom got into an arguement and he left..saying he would come back..once things changed. Over those next couple months..my mom was depressed..her and him had been best friends..they made each other so happy..she loved him soo much still..yet she was more loyal to my sister..and refused to acknowledge the need for a change in things. Which kept them apart. Soon after..my sister (ever the schemer) set my mom up with her own boyfriend's Uncle. Who of course...was just sweetness and light..everything he did..was the opposite of what he my Step Dad did..but THAT was not really a good thing. Sure he knew how to cook..and bake. He did the romantic thing on a daily basis..he seemed to be what she needed...and wanted. So I told her..do what you want. I understand.

Now we get to him. He is verbally abusive. He insults her, her family..her parents..her friends. He is racist..and quite proud of it. Yet my mom's own god daughter is of mixed race!!! He ignores what she wants/needs. He puts his younger kids in front of her...yet expects her to put her kids and grandkids behind HIM, his KIDS and his whole family really. She stopped coming around everyday once she moved in with him. It dropped to once every 3 weeks. She'd come..either a day later than she said..come close to the kids bedtime..ALWAYS bring him..and never stay long. But once again..I let it slide. A new relationship sometimes can consume your time..and I understood that. Until the visits got further apart..my birthday was missed for the first time EVER because they "went to the beach"..my kids..cried for her...many nights. I cried for her many nights. But I kept justifying her behaviour by saying..she just needs to live for her right now..she will get over it..and things will get back to normal. If only that was true.

2 years have went by now..the visits more scarce..uncomfortable almost at times. Then finally fed up of her now Fiancee's disrespect, rude comments, and unnecessary harshness with MY children...I simply told her...you may be with him..but he is no longer welcome to come HERE with YOU. Which she accepted and followed through on..he never came back to my house with her. But when she did come..I felt like I didn't have anything to talk with her about. When I went Xmas shopping I realized I had NO clue what she wanted..hell even LIKED anymore. My kids were unsure around her..and it was plain to see their dynamic relationship was gone. As was ours. She was no longer my best friend as she had been when I'd first had my children. She was no longer the woman who couldn't stop smiling, who laughed endlessly with my StepDad..she became sullen looking, irritable..angry. So much so that people who I know that had seen her working at her job..would comment..she seemed different..withdrawn..unhappy. But all the while she tried to put on this front...like things were great.

A couple months ago..she called me around Xmas time..crying. She told me she had no money to buy us presents..and he had spent all his money on his kids. She had nothing for the girls this year..when ever since they had been BORN she had presents stacked around her tree for them every year. Now this..is not an issue..in my eyes..the lack of actual presents. I don't expect or need them..and neither do my kids!! The issue in all of that..was the lack of concern for her feelings..she felt cheap, miserable and guilty. And he couldn't have cared less. So then when I finally had the sense..to tell her how I felt. I told her that she was never  here..that his needs and his family's needs come before hers, or any of her family's. I told her how many people had commented on the fact they thought she was not happy. And then she told me..he was being verbally abusive to her..and extremely controlling. Feeling sorry for her..I didn't tell her the extent of how her behaviour had affected me and my kids. I just told her that she needed to get out.  A couple weeks later..after another bad day..she called..saying she was planning on moving out.

There are NO words to describe how happy I felt! She was finally going to be free from him..back to herself..back to us. For weeks she packed (behind his back) and slowly got her stuff out. She went to stay with her Mom. That week..she came to see me...and we talked every day on the phone before that. And I made sure to tell her..that I was so proud of her..for standing up for herself..and for realizing she deserved better! And didn't need a MAN to take care of her..or make her happy. My mom was SUCH a control freak with my Step Dad while I was growing up. He loved her too much to argue (unless it was important) or hurt her. So he just did what would keep her happy...and not do things he knew upset her. He had SO much respect and love for her, us, her family..my kids. I did not EVER expect her to leave this other man FOR my step-dad..that was not something that mattered to me. I would love to see them..back to the way they were before all this hurt..but I know..sometimes you can't go back..and sometimes you fall out of love. But simply NOT being with this loser..and living HER life..for HER..was all I asked.

By the end of the first week..she was talking to this "abusive" ex...letting him visit her..take her out for dinner. All because he had "appologized" to the members of her family that she had said he had and he was trying to change. But of course..he didn't call my Godsister, my cousin..who's wedding he was completely wrecking by spouting off how MISERABLE my cousin was gonna be with his new wife. And he certainly didn't call me!!! He didn't call and appologize for destroying my happy fun loving mom..making her this emotionally void zombie. Or for taking her from us..making her feel like a stranger to me and my kids. Or for disrespecting my husband, my father, my step dad even in MY home. For being harsh with my kids..acting as if he had RIGHTS when it came to them and telling them what to do. No..of course not. Yet she has accepted him back into her life..and did so..without tellilng me even! His part of this though..no longer matters to me anymore. He did the things he did...and she let him. She left him..had a chance to prove to us what was important..her family. And then without even discussing it with any of us..she just lets him back into her life..believing all the lines he feeds her!!!! And not caring YET again..how we all feel about the situation!!

As it stands now..she has played games with my StepDad this whole time...telling him she was leaving..and that they may get back together. She has told us all the worst stories about her Fiancee...and then jumps right back in..like nothing was wrong. She tells me how miserable she is..how sorry she is for not being around more..then she turns around..and can't tell me that she has allowed him back into her life!!! She is just...hurting us all..playing games with us all..making us help her when she needs it..yet ignoring our existance the next minute. Since then, I have not spoke to her since the day that I found out she had been here..had been TALKING to him..and had NOT mentioned ANY of it to me! I have no desire to be a part of her own private soap opera any longer. She can love who she loves..be with whom she chooses to..but I will no longer be a part of it. What she does is no longer going to concern or effect me.

What I don't understand..in all of this though, is where she went? Where did MY mom go? The one who always made me check in..the one who would run over at 3 am to help with my colicky baby..the Mom who choose her own daughters over every previous man in her life. Growing up my Mom never thought twice about putting our needs and wants over hers. She made us the most important part of her life. She was my best friend, my counselor, my laughing..happy loving through and through MOM!!!! And somewhere through these 2 years..she just..disappeared. She doesn't care about anyone's happiness but her own. She hurts everyone she claims to love. She makes choices that nobody can understand. She lets him treat her in a way that she always preached to us no man EVER should. And all the while..she is ripping my heart out. So this is why I have cut her out of my life. SHE is no longer MY MOM anyways. All having her in my life does for me now..is cause me heartache, stress, drama..and serious emotional problems for my kids somedays. I will not allow them to feel the way I do..missing her..not sure if she even gives a DAMN anymore. So if that means keeping her far from us..so that she will not be popping in and out of our lives..so be it.

I am done trying to find her..save her..fix her..love her. She obviously could care less how we all feel..so I have stopped caring how she feels. I just wish...that I didn't still miss that MOM I had so damn much!!!!

Sorry this was SO long..I just needed..to vent as I feel awkward doing it in person with my family and friends.

ashleydyck ashleydyck
22-25
3 Responses Mar 3, 2009

Most people are different in different company. <br />
They can be really confident in familiar company or surroundings but shy and timmid in an unfamiliar situation. <br />
A quiet person can be an agressive driver.<br />
A truly inteligent person can say thoroughly stupid things if caught off guard.<br />
and an agressive, opressive, dominating b*st*rd can be as soft as a kitten if they come up against someone who is more so than themselvs.<br />
And usually this all happens without the person in question realising.<br />
Your mum may not truly know, or believe the extent of her change in personality. <br />
Denial covers up more of our mistakes than we care to realise.<br />
Hey, i didnt realise i could be that philosophical, or is it just bullsh*t?

You are right..it is a much condensed version of the whole crazy story! And the sister is younger. My sister had colic when she was born..and my mom had PPD because of it. So she felt she missed bonding with my sister then..and has always tried to make up for it..by continuously supporting her..even in WRONG descions. So much so that is ended her marriage...and created this craziness.<br />
<br />
Your story did help in that it's another way that people play games..and can be different people. And that is her. But what I don't get in all of this..is that if DECENT men like my Dad and Step-Dad couldn't ever be her FIRST priority in life or make her HAPPY forever..how can THIS guy do it?? He has no manners, no intelligence, no kindness, no emotion, no sense of family except his own selfish bratty kids. Even his kids..she will not bring to family functions..because they are just NOT well behaved. Yet..she is willing to give up relationships with all of us..and even play games with my Step-Dad's emotions when he has done NOTHING but support her and help her in these past 2 years..WHILE she was with this so called "love of her life". I just hate that she is so...emotionally damaged. And I pray EVERY day that I am NOTHING like her!!

Wow, that is quite a story. I can tell it came from the heart and i get a sneaky suspission that this is a somewhat condensed account of events.<br />
Just for curiosity sake is the mentioned sister older or younger?<br />
My partner has a very controling older sister. My partner is scared of her and what she might do to herself if she doesn't get her way all the time. Sis is rude, abrupt, agressive to my partner, their parents and anyone else that puts up with her sh*t, including a number of her ex boyfriends. I have had no problems in putting her in her place in the past and now she doesn't say a word out of place to anyone when i'm around.<br />
Anyway,<br />
One of her ex boyfriends was a friend of mine. they didn't meet through me so i was un aware that my friends new bird was her new bloke untill we went on a doubble date. ( this was one of the many doubble dates that my partners sis had forced because she can't go anywhere by her self ) <br />
She treated my mate like dirt, to put it politely. She turned every compliment that he gave into an insult so that she could argue with him, but he was mad about her and took it all, apologised and bought her flowers and chocolate etc.<br />
About a month into their relationship she let him go out for a drink with us lads and i gave him a bit of advice about her, which he listened to and put into practice with stunning effects.<br />
I told him about how i'd seen her with other men and she always seemed to have one of two types of relationship. Either the sort of relationship that they were having ( him suffering ) or If he stopped putting up with her sh*t and CALMLY told her when and why he thought she was being irational, agressive or anything that he didnt like, she would be a very diferent person.<br />
About a week later the stories that were coming back via my partner were very different, i could tell that she was now mad about him and would do anything to please him. <br />
The next time i saw my friend at our local bar ha was with her. He asked her to leave us alone because he wanted to talk to me in private, so she OFFERED! to go to the bar to get a round of drinks.<br />
Wow! what a change, i said, If you'd said that a couple of weeks ago she would of bitten your head off!<br />
He agreed that the change was incredible, but, now he'd realised what a sad, lonely, needy person she was, he didn't like her anymore. And did i mind if he used her for sex while he was looking for some one better?<br />
Three days later he found another woman and has been in a happy relationship with her for four years now.<br />
Sis is still sad and lonely.<br />
I thought this might have some relevence when i started typing but i'm not so sure now, does any of this make any sense to you?