Scorned For Not Having Kids, HurtsMy story is like a lot of others, I know, however I cant help but feel alone in not being a mom, because for me, even going to the grocery store is a reminder that I dont have kids -
especially seeing girl scouts with their friends and mothers trying to sell cookies outside the store or going to the cereal aisle to get Cheerios to help lower my cholesterol and seeing mothers with at least 3 different boxes of sugary cereal in their shopping basket.
It seems EVERY damn thing is geared toward children and family-of which, I have neither. I guess, people dont intentionally mean to slight me, but Im offended when someone tells me that I wouldnt understand cause I dont have children or passed over to babysit because of the fact that I might do some harm to a child because I dont have any of my own and am probably a pervert of some sort. Im tired of going EVERYWHERE and seeing couples with their child or children and experiancing their presence for the few hours that they are near me with their parents and being treated like a second class citizen because I dont have any. You know ignored, a third wheel so to speak-kind of like being the tag-along spinster.
I was married at 17. No, I wasnt preganant. I was in "love" as far as my 17 year old mind was concerned.
He was a few years older. and in the military. I was fresh out of high school.
As you can imagine, at 17, you dont know who the hell you are yet, and are used to being ordered around by authority figures in your life and mostly, doing what you're told. At least, I was.
So, the very first thing boy guy said to me, was if I get pregnant, he will divorce me.
So, scared of him potentially leaving me-not really thinking what children meant, and not wanting him to hate me, I started birth control pills, which I took faithful every day for years.
I never did get pregnant, but he divorced me anyway at age 24. I didnt receive ANY type of support during this time-emotional or financial. not that I wanted any financial. (I would have thought your parents, especially mom, would be your emotional rock in this situation, but, I found out, not mine-guess it was too much for her to take)
I was in a very severe depression for about a year, when I finally was able to get out of it and felt ok to date again which was another year later, I became involved with a church for 12 years that taught tenaciously, no dating/marriage to non-believers and of course, celibacy before marriage.
So, for the rest of my twenties and all of my thirties, I was boyfriendless and celibate.
I left the church completely when I was 38-but by then I had put on quite a bit of weight and, due to my own insecurities, found myself without a man, let alone love.
I lost weight in my early 40's and have had some affairs, but thats all they turned out to be much to my hurt surprise. I loved hard and gave myself fully, but found that the men that I chose were only interested in renting me and not buying me.
As I reached 45-until now at age 49, my periods are irregular, if they happen at all, very unusual for me, as Ive always been regular.
My GYN tells me Im now "perimenopausal" which means Im on my way to full blown menopause.
I see my chances of getting pregnant now as nil. and chance of ever marring just fading in the sun. I have no friends and Ive written off my "never around for me" parents.
What Im going to miss the most about not having children is never being able to be someones mommy-mom. Mothers day is getting harder and harder for me to take.
Those realities are setting in-as I find myself quite alone. Not sure, how Im going to deal with it. I have a cat, I had two, but one died recently and the one I have left is going on 16 years old.
Im trying to find other things to do, Writing is one. Id like to do something outdoorsy that doesnt cost alot, still thinking about that
Ive heard it said that you get 2 chances to be a child, 1-having your own experiances as a kid with your own mom and 2- being a mommy to your own. I never had those mommy experiances with my own mom when I was growing up - and I dont have any kids of my own, but Id have made someone a great mommy-mom.
BTW-the ex got remarried about 20 years ago and now has a 15 year old daughter with this new wife.
Anyway, thanks for listening