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Scorned For Not Having Kids, Hurts

My story is like a lot of others, I know, however I cant help but feel alone in not being a mom,  because for me, even going to the grocery store is a reminder that I dont have kids -

especially seeing girl scouts with their friends and mothers trying to sell cookies outside the store or going to the cereal aisle to get Cheerios to help lower my cholesterol and seeing mothers with at least 3 different  boxes of sugary cereal in their shopping basket.

It seems EVERY damn thing  is geared toward children and family-of which, I have neither.                                                                                                    I guess, people dont intentionally mean to slight me, but Im offended when someone tells me that I wouldnt understand cause I dont have children or passed over to babysit because of the fact that I might do some harm to a child because I dont have any of my own and am probably a pervert of some sort.  Im tired of going EVERYWHERE and seeing couples with their child or children and experiancing their presence for the few hours that they are near me with their parents and being treated like a second class citizen because I dont have any.  You know ignored, a third wheel so to speak-kind of like being the tag-along spinster.   

I was married at 17.  No, I wasnt preganant. I was in "love" as far as my 17 year old mind was concerned.

He was a few years older. and in the military. I was fresh out of high school.

As you can imagine, at 17, you dont know who the hell you are yet, and are used to being ordered around by authority figures in your life and mostly, doing what you're told. At least, I was.

So, the very first thing boy guy said to me, was if I get pregnant, he will divorce me.

So, scared of him potentially leaving me-not really thinking what children meant, and not wanting him to hate me, I started birth control pills, which I took faithful every day for years.

I never did get pregnant, but he divorced me anyway at age 24. I didnt receive ANY type of support during this time-emotional or financial. not that I wanted any financial.   (I would have thought your parents, especially mom, would be your emotional rock in this situation, but, I found out, not mine-guess it was too much for her to take)

I was in a very severe depression for about a year, when I finally was able to get out of it and felt ok to date again which was another year later, I became involved with a church for 12 years that taught tenaciously, no dating/marriage to non-believers and of course, celibacy before marriage.

So,  for the rest of my twenties and all of my thirties, I was boyfriendless and celibate.

I left the church completely when I was 38-but by then I had put on quite a bit of weight and, due to my own insecurities, found myself without a man, let alone love.

I lost weight in my early 40's and have had some affairs, but thats all they turned out to be much to my hurt surprise.   I loved hard and gave myself fully, but found that the men that I chose were only interested in renting me and not buying me.

As I reached 45-until now at age 49, my periods are irregular, if they happen at all, very unusual for me, as Ive always been regular.

My GYN tells me Im now "perimenopausal" which means Im on my way to full blown menopause.

I see my chances of getting pregnant now as nil. and chance of ever marring just fading in the sun. I have no friends and Ive written off my "never around for me" parents. 

What Im going to miss the most about not having children is never being able to be someones mommy-mom.  Mothers day is getting harder and harder for me to take.

Those realities are setting in-as I find myself quite alone.  Not sure, how Im going to deal with it.  I have a cat, I had two, but one died recently and the one I have left is going on 16 years old.

Im trying to find other things to do, Writing is one. Id like to do something outdoorsy that doesnt cost alot, still thinking about that

Ive heard it said that you get 2 chances to be a child, 1-having your own experiances as a kid with your own mom and 2- being a mommy to your own. I never had those mommy experiances with my own mom when I was growing up - and I dont have any kids of my own, but Id have made someone a great mommy-mom.

BTW-the ex got remarried about 20 years ago and now has a 15 year old daughter with this new wife.

Anyway, thanks for listening

merijoe merijoe 46-50 4 Responses Apr 26, 2009

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Bless your yeart, I feel your loneliness and have really been there. I finally concluded I would not have wanted my abusive ex-husband to be the father of my children anyway. Divorced 25 years, I simply did not find anyone else. Have stopped looking, I'm not dead yet and if my man is indeed still out there then he will just have to come find me at this point. I won't hold my breath.:) <br />
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What works for me now: Instead of hyper-focusing on what I don't have in my life, I am very grateful for what I do have. I pursue my other interests, we do have a dizzying array of choices. Also cultivate some friends who are not tied down with children - many of mine have grown kids. We have more in common with these people and they have free time to spend with us. <br />
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If it's any comfort the hormonal urge to have babies should pass soon, which for me was a good thing. There is just so much more to life! All we have to do is go for it. <br />
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Have you thought of looking into any groups to find others with common interests on meetup.com? (not a dating site). There are probably groups in your area. you could find a group doing something you would like to do more of and cultivate some people who lift you up. It's a great way to expand your circle.

Ok, I know that there are plenty of single dads looking for a good woman to date... the divorce rate is 50% and usually after 5 years of marriage, which is usually after the children have been born. You could adopt a family, so to speak. There are plenty of adults like me (27) who would love to have a nice step-mom. I have an evil step-mother who hates us and treats us like crap compared to her own kids. My own mother bailed on her family (us), then fell in love at 52, and is now having to raise his teenagers... thought she was going to get out of it, ha! <br />
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In fact, I think it would be refreshing for the world to have at least ONE step-mother in it that was actually happy to be a step-mother. Don't give up, and worse comes to worse, there's always okcupid.com or some such online dating site. Good luck!

I am a childless man and found your account very interesting. Some parallels with my own experience. There is a further distressing element with men of it being seen as threatening if you like children I guess. I have worked with kids in youth clubs, care settings including nursery but even so not having your own is a source of regret. We make choices on the basis of bad information and by default sometimes. C'est La Vie I guess.

Sounds like you went through a lot of hard stuff and my heart goes out to you. I have many friends who never had children, married or not and they seem to be fine with it. I am so sorry that you wanted children and haven't had them. Why not try being a Big Sister or a foster parent? Or try working in a childrens center. There are lots of ways to spread your love around and a lot of kids out there that need to be loved. I was married at 19 and had my daughter at 20, divorced at 23 and had to raise her alone. Not a lot of fun. I love my daughter to death but I didn't want kids in the first place. I am glad that I had her but if I hadn't, that would have been fine too. Being a Mom and being a woman are different but both fullfilling. I didn't find my mate till I was 42 and I was overweight. He loves me for me and that can happen for you too. You just have to be open to it. Love your life as it is, add whatever you can to make it better and count your blessings. Believe it or not, you have a lot of them. Hope this helps. :)