Just What Is The Point?
Sometimes I get hopeful and think that things will significantly change for the better but they really don't.
I'm in my mid 30s in a job that's probably not helping me to get any further up the ladder, I've also never had a serious relationship.
I work in a technical I.T. job in App. Support however I'm struggling and despite the experience I'm getting I really don't think I'm ever to be good enough to get a higher paying App. Support job with another company. I was moved 18 months ago from a service desk role and was given the impression that it would be a promotion however my grade hasn't been changed and I'm actually earning less than I was before as I don't get the allowances I used to get in my previous job. The boss of my department said that I might be getting sacked at the start of the year and started the performance management process, it now appears that I have passed the process so will be staying but don't really feel that happy at passing as I know I'm not valued at the company and aren't going to go any further. Admittedly I could try and find another service desk role but that would mean going right back to the beginning again and I couldn't stand to do that. I work hard as my boss acknowledged and pass lots of exams but it doesn't seem to help me go any further. I'm terrified about what's going to happen to me when I'm elderly as I won't have much of a pension to live on. I won't get a full state pension as I've been told by the tax office that this is due to periods when I wasn't claiming job support or working in a job, I was actually living with my parents at the time and self studying.
I also feel I know that I will be alone when I'm elderly just as I'm alone now. I've never had a serious relationship , I've tried lots of dating sites and gone on many dates but none of them have led anywhere. I try to be a genuinely nice person and see the good in everyone, but guess I must be a pretty pathetic and boring person. I've been going along to meeting event groups and meeting some nice people and have some fun experiences but they never go anywhere. I meet some great people and imagine becoming good friends or lovers but then I either never see them again or only meet them during the event. I went to an event last weekend and felt really upbeat about it afterwards as I'd had lots of social interactions but am realising now that it was mostly me asking them questions and they were just being polite. I'm not really surprised I've always been a loner, whilst I care deeply about them I'm not particularly close to any of my family and I haven't kept in touch with any from school, university or previous jobs. I've made some progress by going to the meeting event groups as previously I would just hang around on my own during weekends and holidays but it doesn't look like it's going to lead to any big friendships.
All the efforts I make to change either my social or work life just don't seem to be leading anywhere and I'm wondering given that I'm now in my mid thirties how much longer I'm supposed to keep on trying for.