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Sometimes I Don't Know Why I Got Married

 

    When we got married we were both in our twenties, but before we decided to get married we lived together for one year.  We had dated for 5 years and wanted to try living together to see if we were right for each other.  As it turned out we were perfect for each other so we thought. It wasn't until after 9 years of marriage, where I felt we didn't have a fairy tale marriage.  Now I know that  nobody has a perfect marriage. My husband was transferred so we moved along way from home. After getting settled I noticed that my husband worked long hours.  It wasn't until I first met a woman who suggested I try going back to work.  I had not worked in 8 years so it was something that I was interested in doing. About two years later I finally found a full-time job. I felt so physically exhausted when I came home at night. All I wanted to do was have a hot bath have dinner and go to bed.  Now I knew what my husband went through.  Unfortunately my job didn't last so now I have been unemployed for 21 years.  

    In the last 20 years, I have learned that there was something missing and didn't figure out what it was until I began seeing a therapist she informed that our marriage was more like father/daughter relationship. I was so shocked when I heard this there was a part of me that disbelieved what she had told me.  Now I have been seeing a new therapist who think I married my Dad.  I find that is more accurate, because my husband is much the same as my Dad. Both are workaholics and have their own interests. I spend a lot of my time alone keeping myself occupied.  In all 30 years of my marriage we have not done anything together except for going out for nice dinner or see a movie.  We don't have any close friends, because all of the people my husband works with is either single or divorced. 

      Since I have been seeing my new therapist I have learned that what has been missing from my marriage is the emotional intimacy, because we don't seem to share our most inner thoughts and feelings.  I am now beginning to focus on myself in how to motivate myself and find what gives me the most passion.  I seem to have a passion for writing short stories it is something I have alway dream of doing.             

Sara600 Sara600 56-60, F 21 Responses Mar 14, 2010

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write short stories about your childhood, as detailed and specific as you can. go back as far as possible and then after they are all done, examine them. it is good practise and you will have the material you need to develope your technique. at the same time you may find them theraputic. enjoy.

I am a man i have never been married but i will try and give you some insight to a man first we are not good at talking about our feelings and emotions. from the time we are just little guys we are told to be this tough person don't cry or your a sissy. where as girls learn at very young age to talk and communicate and support . we are not good at seeing somethings we can see what may be a danger to our family but not our but not to our relationship. so the way i see it your both on a boat in a stormy sea of life if you see water leaking into the boat then you need to react as he would if he saw the boat heading towards rocks . some night when gets home have a dinner made soft lights soft music maybe nothing on but high heals and a sexy apron. book a weekend at a nice motel around the corner and surprise him and once you get him out of his normal surroundings tell him how you feel. get his mind of the horizon and put the boat on auto pilot and just snuggle up to him and tell him (see what you been missing ? ) and start loving your self it sounds as if you have had a good number of happy years so go get them back . why did you marry him ? that's the same reason you want to save it ....i hope this can be some help being i never had the pleasure and the joys of being with a sole mate i hate to see it when there is trouble with one. from my perspective your pretty lucky ..And i hope i have not been offensive in any way.

Don't you have some close male or female friends you can chat with and open up too ? This will help you grow your ownthoughts.

Have you approached your husband about him sharing emotioinal intimacy with you? I ask this because this last week after living fifteen of thirty-three years in a sexless marriage I had the first intimate emotional discussion with my wife. I was the one who was not so much unwilling but unable to share intimately. It has to do with how I was raised. I believe we're starting to work through this. If your husband is like me (doesn't know how to share intimately - and equates sex exclusively with intimacy) then letting him know it's safe and comfortable to share it will help him open up.

I have approached my husband and asked him he told me he didn't know how I could connect with him emotionally, but when I spoke to my counselor yesterday she said it is a matter of sharing my feelings and then hearing my husband share his feelings. I know my husband likes to talk about the past, but doesn't express how he felt about me back when we first began dating. I think it will take time for him to open up to me. I think he is like you and relates intimacy through sex. I do want to tell him he can feel safe and comfortable opening up to me.

Hi,

I enjoy sitting at my computer writing stories, would you like to share some of yours with me?

With regards to marriage I've done it 4 times and they all ended on the scrap heap of life. The only good thing that came from my first marriage is my son and daughter.

Hope to hear from you.

I really appreciate your comment and would love to share some of my stories with you. I am sorry to hear you have gone through 4 marriages, but it sounds like you did end up with something good with your son and daughter....

From reading your post, can I give you some ideas that might help bring about a change of perspective?



So you made it 9 years as a fairy tale marriage! That is a long time compared to most. That means you were doing something really right!! 9 years is two years past the 7 year itch, and statistically most marriages are well out of fairy tale land before that.



Is it possible that in those 9 years you changed and he changed? There is a lot of career growth and experience growth that takes place in all that time, especially early on. Have you changed in the past 9 years? The reality is that both of you have been changing since day 1. You were both changing in ways that were compatible for 9 years.



My suspicion is that you didn't marry your Dad, but you are projecting your Dad all over your husband. Working hard to provide for a family is a big part of what a man does in life. If he takes you out to a nice dinner and a movie, he is interested in taking you out and being with you. What is probably the case is you need to create suggestions of other activities you would like to do. He just doesn't know what you need, but he's a problem solver. If you communicate with him other things you are really interested in doing, betcha he makes them happen. Reward him in the bedroom after and I bet they will happen more often. (Men really are simple creatures)



For you to have the problem the way you've described, you have a TON of positives going for you. It sounds like you married a decent guy. Men are not really built like women (read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus -- really do this, you need it). The problem solving strategies between men and women are totally different. What you really need is a good girlfriend to chat the way you want to chat.



There is my 2 cents, nothing meant to be offensive ... just want to expand your viewpoint enough to find good solutions.

Hi, i am a male, 63 yrs, physically and mentally fit...

You have received so many good comments in one way or another...i live in a similar type of marriage - more like loving brother and sister, and what is my biggest gripe is -like you - i want and crave the emotional and physical intimacy. I will not dwell on marriage..just your last comment about writing.



This is the main point of my message below!



However to overcome this i am going into the writing business , focusing on short stories, children's stories and novels, and especially poetry (which comes naturally to me)...i have the necessary software, the motivation, the skills and talent (hopefully !) and will begin very shortly...if interested we can bounce story ideas and techniques off each other to begin our writing.

I also have a deep passion for writing..it helps that i am a primary school (elementary for US citizens) teacher with lots of contact with children.



However i shall leave that decision of collaboration up to you..maybe you don't want to.



whatever you decide, have a great day and don't despair..you have a lot of support from others.

mistygreen

We always want what we can't have. And we take for granted things that are repeated.



It starts with loving who you are. In order to love yourself, you have to respect yourself since love and respect go hand in hand. The more we need to be loved externally, the less we love ourselves internally. It's always inversely proportional. Love from others we convert into self love. That's called ego. And when we love ourselves, that's call self esteem. When you have low self esteem, you have a large ego. When you have high self esteem, you have a small ego.



We can always do one of three things:



1) We can do what we know is right

2) We can do what looks right to others

3) We can do what feels good



Only #1 (doing what is right in our lives) can help you love you. Once you really love who you are, that spark comes back. All of a sudden he or she want to be around you. Not only because you aren't on the edge with the pain anymore of not liking who you are, but also because you become an interesting person who is fun to be with.



If you were in the shoes of people who suffered, you might be really happy with the good things that are in your life. That's part of being an optimist and there's a good reason; for our own happiness and emotional health and the health of those who live with us.



It all starts with you. The challenges in life are harder than we ever imagined. Just think about how many times you realized that life was harder or more complicated than you previously thought. Love always starts with fireworks, newness, the unknown, and the excitement. Then it always, always fades with time like youth.



There is good news though. There was a study done from a childrens hospital a few years ago (I tried Googling it but I can't find it) where people who spent 10 days "away" from each other each month kept that excitement alive. We always want what we can't have. Apparently it saved so many marriages and there's a book on it now. Also Stop Your Divorce by Homer McDonald is an amazing read. It was a real eye opener. Also, there was a major study where more than half of the people who get divorces wish they hadn't later.



Just thought I would give my two cents worth. I can really feel some of the pain in some of those posts. Everything is going to be ok. Anger comes from not feeling in control. And when you feel nervous about something, it's because you need to learn more about the issues you are facing and how to handle them - up your skillset and be proactive. That means sometimes, it's not necessarily the outcome you expected or had a bias for. Most of life seems to follow that pattern.

Your problem is not your marriage. Your problem is not having a job and are unconsciously believing it has to do with your marriage. When we are unemployed and at home doing home chores and looking after kids while our husbands are away at work, it comes naturally to us to attribute our frustration to our husbands who cannot help with the situation. If you have read Men are from Mars and Women from Venus, teh first rule is to understand teh differences between teh two sexes, if tehy thought and reacted in the same manner about everything they would be the SAME sex. Men do not like to speak about tehir emotions, even if they might FEEL the same way. Women on the other hand have a need to talk desperately about whats on tehir minds, and this creates the gap. Women often blame men for not speaking their innermost emotions and thr truth to that is that it never comes to them naturally. What women should do is understand whats on their minds from their actions. Obviously if he's working hard at work and looks forward to coming back home to you n kids, he love syou guys and thats his way of showing taht he loves you. YEs he can do better with opening communications. To my mind there's just a huge absence of communication in the marriage. If you would be telling him instead of writing here (of course easier said than done for me, but on a practical side) ...it would be a step positive towards your marriage.



Wish you all the good luck to make this work.

That story really hit home. I married a "nice guy" six years older than myself. I knew he was one of the good ones, not like the guys I had been attracted to. Now, 27 years and 3 kids later, he tells me I've been a ****** wife and an albatross around his neck. This morning, he can't understand why I won't forgive those words.

We aren't in a financial position to split up. I was raised by a very cold mother as was she. I don't know any different. He was raised in a warm household.

I told him we should be civil and when possible, go to a divorce mediator. We have nothibng to split up besides bills. Our kids have already heard enough. Even though they are 15, 18 and 25, I'm sorry they think this is normal. As for intimacy, I don't think I even know what that means.

I think your marriage sounds just fine. I have been married for six years- and if only I could say the only problem was a lack of emotional intimacy. You are very lucky. Count your blessings.

The same for me in the past with my ex husband but now I am having such connection emotional intimacy with someone that I considered to be lucky to have known him but we are not married. My first reason to be married to my ex was to have a baby and when the marriage failed I keep the baby. The second relationship I am in now is to fulfill and discover my self values, esteem and to remove my fears... he made me discovered my new self and I moved on. I do not need to be married again if I have not found the man who is not able to connect with me in all level.



I really think you are still lucky to be married, I am sure your views will change if you are no longer with him (knock on woods). So please do not take your husband and the marriage for granted.

It would be helpful to take the Young Schema Questionnaire. You can find it online. Ask your therapist about it. I am sure he/she would recommend it.

I have been married to the same man for 27 years. I too feel the same as you do about emotional intimacy. My husband just does not like to talk about how he feels, what moves him, etc. So I find myself burried in other social situations. I volunteer, work, we were foster parents till a few years ago, I am very tied to my emotional side, and love expressing it in everything I do, but he seems un-interested. I want to make the world a better place to live for all. He just wants to live doing the least amount of work possible.



About 2 -3 years ago I started going to a therapist, then he joined me for a while. There was always suggested home work, of which my hubby would never participate in. So when we went back, there was nothing new to talk about. then he said we should not go because it idn't seem to be doing anything any more. I wanted to tell him it was because HE wasn't doing anything.



So for the past 6 months, We have not been, no nothing's changes. Still have 2 kids at home... Therapist said I should not stay for the kids sake, but I can't help the guilt I know I would feel tearing apart their family. It is a daily struggle. I dread it when my daughter moves out in a few years. She and I are like best friends and talk about a lot of things. She's my emotional missing link. Any way. Hope all is well with you! thnks for sharing your story.

Sara, I so understand what you are feeling. First, I think emotional intimacy begins with yourself. How comfortable are you with your emotions? Having said this, I felt that early on in my marriage which lasted 28 years until I asked out. I also know that I came from a family where we were not allowed to express our feelings. Over time, I was able to move beyond that. It was only at that point that I knew the marriage no longer fit who I was. Divorce is hard. It forces you to accept you part - active or passive in all of this. Of course, you can also do that within the context of your marriage if you are willing and if you believe your partner is as well.



It has been eleven years since the diaspora. I have grown immensely, take full responsibility for my happiness and refuse to be at the end of someone elses' day.

I think emotional intimacy is a sense of connection to your partner. My wife feels it when I hug her. I feel it when she makes love to me. Other people need their partner to check in with them often, or they talk about all kinds of different things -- are endlessly interested in each other.



It can't be perfunctory hugs or kisses or whatever. They have to express a true feeling, But humans tend to need this a lot and in far too many marriages -- the partners separate emotionally. They each do their own thing and they never feel like there's someone who really cares for them. It's more like a business relationships than a love relationship.

i know how it is to miss something important in a marriage... i hope you find what makes you happy :)

I think what I meant by no emotional intimacy is my husband doesn't talk about his feelings with me. I don't have any trouble sharing my feelings and thoughts with me about anything. The only thing I have a passion for is writing. I have suffered with social anxiety as well as anxiety attacks and I might be agoraphobia, because I spend a lot of time indoors on my own. And moving around has not helped me much either. I understand what you mean when you say I must try hard to change the way I am living.

Through years of therapy I finally learned what was missing from my marriage was the emotional intimacy. That where I think the problem lies for me.

It's really not clear to me from your story above -- what you think is missing in your marriage. From your words alone, you appear to occupy an enviable position. Can you clarify where the problem lies?

What should i say now!!!! This is great.