Because All I Wanted Was

to be a wife and mother.

VERY UNWISE reasoning.

the 2nd time was temporary insanity! lol

Cheyenna Cheyenna
51-55, F
5 Responses Mar 17, 2010

I totally get u. All I wanted was to be a wife and mother as well. Sometimes it doesn't work as long as we hoped

Is marriage that bad

I think the experience is different for everyone. For me, it's worse than I could have ever imagined. But then again, I realize now, I never should have married. I never wanted to. Unfortunately , I have kids. And for me, that is unfortunate, because that's the reason I can't leave. My husband is a good man, for the most part, & I good father. I just hate being married. It's a major inconvenience, to say, in the least. I've had to sacrifice do much, to make this family 'work'. My career has taken the biggest hit. So I'm filled with a lot of resentment, because, I'm no where near where I was supposed to be at this stage in my life. And I never wanted kids either. Having them has only re-affirmed to me, that I never should have had them. But they are here, & that cannot be undone. So , I'm staying around, until they go off to College/ University. I figure , a divorce at that stage, will be less devastating , than if I left now. I think you need to ask yourself what you want in life for yourself , & if you think marriage can fit into your plan. Be warned though, it requires a lot of sacrifice. So factor that into your decision. I wish someone had told me that. I could have saved myself a lot of grief.

Are your kids a pain in the ***

No. They are good. They are obedient & very respectful. I can't complain about that at all.

But they robbed you of your career isn't it?

Well, they put a spanner in the works. I can & still will pursue the career I wanted. It will just take a bit longer than i had initially planned. The problem with my situation , is, my husband had no problem with me working, until the kids came. Then he wanted me to stop working, & stay at home with the kids. I thought it would be temporary, but he has made it clear, he expects me to be a stay at home mum until the kids get older. I went from being independant financially , to having nothing in the bank. I have no access to money, & that's what makes it difficult to try & make any progress from home, professionally. Marriage sucked even when I was working, but at least I had a job. A great distraction & money to afford further distractions. For me, the fall was great. I earned really good money. And to go from that to nothing was not easy at all. I tolerate all his nonsense, because of the kids. I don't want to rob them of the experience of growing up in a home with both parents. And he doesn't physically abuse me. Sometimes I wish he would , so I could leave & blame him. If I leave now, I feel like that makes me the bad person. Selfish. So , I suck it up, & go through the motions, & dream of the day I can leave this situation & live the life I deserve.

Are you kids very young? Can't you get a job where you work from home? Do family and friends know what you're going through or do they see you as a perfect family?

No. I am happily married.

Happy for you. I do believe, many benefit from it. Some of us , unfortunately do not. I wish you & yours many happy years together.

My youngest is just over 1. So I'm in for the long haul. Only my closest friends know the misery I endure. For the family, I act as is expected. Part of getting married was because of my mum. I remember being so close to calling it off on my wedding day, & my mum gave me this long speech about how proud of me she was. I was the golden child, in my house. Straight A student. Graduated top of my class. Went to medical school. Completed top of my class as well. So marriage & kids were expected. My brothers, have always had social issues. One is a drug addict, & the other is an extreme introvert. To the point that he struggled studying after high school, because it meant leaving the house. He eventually studied an online course & works from home, but no one expects anything more from him. So my mum sees me as her 'salvation' I suppose. I had to do right by her, so she could feel, like she did something right. My father passed away during my final year in med school, so the pressure to be 'perfect' has been great, since then. Plus, my mum comes from a family, where the women have learned to suffer silently. As long as you & your children's lives are not in danger, & the man lives up to his responsibilities, you smile, & play the role of the happy wife & mother. And so , the legacy lives on through me. If I could leave this marriage without harming my kids emotionally, I would. But when you have kids, you forfeit the luxury of putting yourself first. They come first. You have to act in their best interests. I know, some might argue, I need to be happy, in order to be a good mother. At this point in my life, happiness is overrated. It's not something I even think of. He is a very involved father. The kids are very close to him. Breaking this home apart would do more damage,so, I've sacrificed whatever I may have wanted for myself, so they can have the benefit of growing up with both of us. We do get along, for the most part. I wish I didn't have to have sex with him, because that's the thing I hate the most, but I've learned over the years to disconnect myself from the act. We don't share a bedroom, which I'm so grateful for, because at times, when I feel overwhelmed, I have a place of my own, I can retreat to, without being disturbed.

I see what you mean , you felt obliged to marry him because of your mom. Also I feel bad for you because the youngest is only 1 and to wait until that child is in college so that you can build your career is huuuuge sacrifice . Do you feel they maybe your mom and others who encouraged you to get married did so out of spite , maybe jealousy ... So that you couldn't build your career like you wanted . Why do you hate sex with him so much

My mum comes from a generation that believe that as a woman , you must marry. If you don't, then there's something wrong with you. And it reflects badly on your family, & upbringing. I know she had the best intentions. Also, my mum was VERY lucky. I'm not saying this because he is my dad, but, my father was an amazing man. He cooked & cleaned, & pulled his weight around the house. He helped mum out a lot, around the house. He also encouraged her to pursue her career. He even used to send her on vacation, for 2 or 3 weeks , just so she could have a break from the stress of family life. That was my reference point. Not many men are that involved. My husband isn't bad, but he's no where near as helpful as my father was. He is involved with the kids, when he has time. He does not help around the house, & refuses to hire a maid. When I worked , I could afford the extra help. I'm not the most domestic of people. And our house is massive. Let's not even talk about cooking. Not a favorite pass time of mine. Another thing I could afford to pay someone to do when I was working. One of the reasons I worked as hard as I did , was because I knew I would be able to afford to pay people to do the things I didn't care to do. That was a great incentive. As for the sex. It's such a bothersome chore. I have more fun watching Game of Thrones. That's something I actually look forward to ( can't wait for season 5 ). I don't enjoy it at all. I've told him before , & his response was, it's my duty, so how I feel about it, is irrelevant. I suggested paying for an escort service , when I worked, because I accepted, I no longer wanted to have sex, & didn't expect him to go without, so I was willing to pay for it. He refused. So I've just had to endure it. It amazes me, when I think about it, because he still insists on it, & I'm not remotely involved, on any level ( physically or emotionally ). I literally just lie there & wait for him to finish. To have to endure that, & remain somewhat sane, requires the person involved, to become completely disconnected from the act. So I've become a master of that. I used to feels sad about it. Now I feel nothing. It's just me going through the motions, because of the kids.

I feel so bad for you . You deserve to be happy and I don't know why an intelligent woman like yourself is letting a man make you this miserable . I know you're his wife but he should make some compromises atleast . Can you secretly work from home? Just to keep your mind busy

I too ask myself the same question. Working from home at the moment is not an option, but I have sent in my resume, in response to advertised posts. He is against it. The older 2 kids are at school, & I'm hoping to put the younger one in a day care centre once I start working. And I have already decided that once I start working , I'm going to start working towards specializing. It will take some years before I get in the programme, but I might as well start now. If he wants to leave because I want to improve myself, he can explain that to the children. Like I said. Happiness, is overrated. I'm not mad yet, so any other emotion, I can deal with. That ship left the harbor many years ago. I just want to concentrate on getting close to the life I planned for myself. My marriage is non existent for all intensive purposes & I've made my peace with that. The objectives now are, the kids & my job. Don't be discouraged by my story. Maybe I deserve it. I never wanted any of this. I'm just trying to to the best to avoid maximum casualties. My advise to you is , if you are considering it, make sure it's what you want for yourself. And know that you may need to make major sacrifices along the way.

My life circumstances make me want to get married to escape the dire situation I'm in but the more I wanna get married the longer I wait for someone decent .. I just need love in my life and I don't know where to get that from . I just feel very alone and that's not fair . I don't know why your husband is so controlling

This May sound corny , but really, what you need , is to love yourself first. Finding love out there won't fill the void you feel inside. And getting married, won't cute you of your loneliness. Marriage can be a very lonely place. Maybe I'm not the best person to give you advice. But I do think, finding fulfillment & inner peace, will go a long way to making you feel a lot better about yourself & your life

Do you love him at all?

I care for him deeply. He is the father of my children & we'll always be connected through them. I am not in love with him. And interestingly enough, that doesn't bother me.

Do you think you will have an affair

No. I don't think so. I'm too busy with the kids & the house. I don't have the energy to entertain anything extra in my life besides work

How are things at home now

You seriously need to evaluate all that you've said. You don't want to be in the marriage. don't make it a matter of it being his fault or his decision to leave. There's just enough opportunity for you as well. Ok, this isn't the life you wanted. Stop politely blaming your mother, comparing a husband to your father, and appearing as a victim because you're intimidated. The misery you endure is inviting unwelcome guest. Your entire family deserves to be happy. Please don't prolong it because you think it'll have a positive impact on your children. it will not. They need someone who wants to be involved, loved and concerned for. Spare them and yourself and just do what is beat for you all.

Easily said than done. I've made my bed. I'll lie in it for as long as I have to. They need their father in their lives. Being a mother means making whatever sacrifices you have to for your children. Maybe I'm wrong for thinking that. But that's what I believe to be true. You don't have to agree. We're not all the same. Some people believe in putting their needs above their kids. I don't. It doesn't make either of us right or wrong. Just different. This is my choice. My cross to bear. I've accepted it.

I wanted to stay together with my husband for the sake of the kids. We never argued in Front of them. We actually did a great job at getting along for the kids. Unf he would rather screw around instead of thinking of the kids. I was a sahm for 16 years by our agreement. Then only after we start the divorce does he actually lie and say we never had that agreement. Oy vey

Do you regret getting married

Yes. Well I regret staying married for so long. I should've kept my identity. I don't regret my kids though!

22 More Responses

We all get married for what seems the right thing to do at the time. It's only after the break up that the insanity becomes a reality. I still think it's better to have loved and lost than to be never loved at all.

Thank you, and yes you are right. It made me, ME.<br />

the temporary insanity has a lot to answer for but it makes us who we are and you look happy in your photo beautiful name