What Was I Thinking?

I divorced my first husband.  He was abusive, mean, sexually manipulative....awful to me and the children.  I stayed and stayed, and worked on our marriage, and begged him to help me change it.  He never changed.  Not for longer than a week or so.  When my children started to show signs of being affected by him, I left.  Like, he would scream at me in my face on my left side while my baby boy was clinging to me on my hip on my right side, for fear of his father's screaming.  Or he would jump my daughter's case and scream at her for one small mistake.  Or if our middle son wanted his attention during a television show he would get angry with him and send him to his room.  Or he would keep me up all night long...letting me settle down and get almost on the edge of sleep, and then wake me up talking about how he wished I would have sex with him.  Just a couple of sentences, mind you...just enough to wake me.  I wouldn't respond and he would let me settle down to sleep once again, just to wake me again a moment later in the same way for the same reason.  Until it was 4am and I would just roll over and tell him to get it over with.  At which point he would require I spend the following 30 minutes convincing him that yeah, I really did want it....that the previous 4 hours of denials from me really didn't mean anything....

Eventually, I gained the strength to divorce him.  At which time I decided I would NEVER EVER EVER get married again.

So what do I do??  I allow a man into my life.  A man that looked secure.  Was kind,  Was sweet.  Cared about my kids.  Loved me. Took care of business.  Didn't let me down.  Was always there when I needed someone.  And, idiot that I was...I succumbed to his advances.  Why?  Lonliness?  Insecurity? Fear of the future?  In the time that we have been married, those are the reasons why I ultimately agreed to marry J.  I fooled myself into thinking it was love.  I convinced myself that I did love him.  at least enough to make a marriage work.

Five years later, I now know better.  Sadly enough.  This marriage won't stand.  Especially after what he pulled yesterday (I'll blog it...there really isn't an experience that I've seen that quite fits what happened).  I married him for all the wrong reasons:  security.  stability.  someone "good" for the kids (but not necessarily good for me).  I can't spend the rest of my life like this.  Now the only question left is...when does it officially end?

dyin2live dyin2live
31-35, F
12 Responses Mar 27, 2010

I'm sorry that everything happened to you like it did. I married a woman with BPD and it was torture. Just know that you will rebuild your life and be okay. You will trust and love again! No amount of emotional abuse that's done to you can ever take away who you are :)

I feel for you also. ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))) MY first marriage was when I was 19. The man was very physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. I got out of their fast, after he almost put me in the hospital. Many years later ( not to mention 3 kids from 3 different guys) I started going to church and changing my life. I meet this guy that seems to be the EXACT man I had wanted all my life. WE dated for a few months and got married hastily. I thought for sure I was doing the right thing. Fast forward to today almost 5 years later. He is NOTHING like he pretends to be in public. I am miserable. We have no sex life. WE have no intimacy. It is like living with a stranger. He is mean to me and sometimes the kids, we are always short of money, he has lied repeatedly, snuck around, done things behind my back, etc etc etc etc etc. The most horrible part is, I am STUCK, can't see a way out, can't afford to live on my own, dont know how to get a job where i could...I am trapped.....<br />
Here if you need to talk or vent. I am sure I can relate.

That's the pattern that I'm trying to avoid--repeating the same mistakes over and over again. I think I'm learning. Slowly...lol

I always feel for you and others in your position. It is not always easy to leave the relationship you need to consider the children of course but finding a place and how to support yourself is not always easy especially if you live from family and friends. It takes great courage to make changes but your families safety is paramount. Sadly working in mental health i have seen so many go from the frying pan into the fire and repeating the same mistakes over and over in hope that the next guy wont exploit their vulnerability

dying2live:<br />
All I have is a prayer and my hope for you. I can not imagine the things that you are feeling but I can relate. It saddens me and I wish that things would have been different, better. I don't think there is a real reason for why anyone does the things that they do to others. I pray that you are filled with so much love, peace and comfort. I pray that things turn around, does a 180 turn, that you will want to change your nickname from dying2live to something else...like loving2live. This is one truth that I know is true and believe in. It is/has been and will forever be in Him, my dreams live....He is my hope, He is the truth. Everyone on earth, family and/or friend may turn on you. Yet, you are never alone!!! Jesus Christ was exactly where you are and He was crucified when He was innocent. It was His choice to be crucified for those who are innocent, those who are abused, beaten by people who killed Him for nothing. As sure as you and I are here, I tell you this, so is Jesus. He gently speaks to you and comforts you. He is gentle and kind. He is always with you. NOBODY can take Him away from you. It may get hard to tell who your real friends are, to the place of feeling hopeless. Know this, Jesus is a friend like no other. He will always be right where you are, may that bring you some solace.<br />
<br />
Sometimes when we say things/I hear people tell people things and I don't know where they come from. I hope we can all learn together.<br />
<br />
Jujalee:<br />
I am hope you mean something that I am not getting and rather misunderstanding. I want to be wrong because when you wrote:<br />
You are being protected...(if you believe in God). When I read that, I hear this:<br />
God is protecting you IF you believe in God. Do you also believe that God doesn't (or do you think/mean can't) protect the "unbeliever"?<br />
<br />
I am asking these things because what you are saying could be taken in a way unbecoming of God. I am asking in the hopes of clarifying and learning what you mean. I am gonna leave it at this for now. Peace and God bless you.

i feel your pain , lots of hugs for you and your life will be better someday ..just like you pictured your life maybe when you were little .<br />
and sometimes these experiences can make you stonger , so learn from yuor mistakes and prepare for a bumpy ride cause thats life

i live with a very mean man who is very mean he hits me kicks me spits on me we have been together 21 years i want to leave so bad we share a house together in both our names so i guess thats why im still here an i havea 25 year old son with bipolar an some other mental problems but i think i did something really stupid i met a guy online and he says hes coming here april 20 an stay in a hotel i dont know what to do am i stupid or what

Thank you for sharing your experience, and alluding to the second part of your decision. You are being protected, whether through learning, through guidance or both (if you believe in God). And I tell you this... your experience is not only a recollection of moments in you life, but a lesson we can all learn from. I'm thankful that you posted this.


Thank you for the sharing what is painful and a trying time for you. I am not in a similar place but recently out of a 18 yr relationship. It has been a year and I am in a better place now that I have put some distance from when it happened. We never married but I know it is tough. I hope you have a good support group of family and friends. The legal process is so much a hassle it almost makes the misery of staying together an option. Wish you the best and think positive.

many hugs*

Thank you AP. Just wait until you read the blog I just posted. You will understand why I am feeling so let down and betrayed by this man that I have trusted.