What Was I Thinking?
I divorced my first husband. He was abusive, mean, sexually manipulative....awful to me and the children. I stayed and stayed, and worked on our marriage, and begged him to help me change it. He never changed. Not for longer than a week or so. When my children started to show signs of being affected by him, I left. Like, he would scream at me in my face on my left side while my baby boy was clinging to me on my hip on my right side, for fear of his father's screaming. Or he would jump my daughter's case and scream at her for one small mistake. Or if our middle son wanted his attention during a television show he would get angry with him and send him to his room. Or he would keep me up all night long...letting me settle down and get almost on the edge of sleep, and then wake me up talking about how he wished I would have sex with him. Just a couple of sentences, mind you...just enough to wake me. I wouldn't respond and he would let me settle down to sleep once again, just to wake me again a moment later in the same way for the same reason. Until it was 4am and I would just roll over and tell him to get it over with. At which point he would require I spend the following 30 minutes convincing him that yeah, I really did want it....that the previous 4 hours of denials from me really didn't mean anything....
Eventually, I gained the strength to divorce him. At which time I decided I would NEVER EVER EVER get married again.
So what do I do?? I allow a man into my life. A man that looked secure. Was kind, Was sweet. Cared about my kids. Loved me. Took care of business. Didn't let me down. Was always there when I needed someone. And, idiot that I was...I succumbed to his advances. Why? Lonliness? Insecurity? Fear of the future? In the time that we have been married, those are the reasons why I ultimately agreed to marry J. I fooled myself into thinking it was love. I convinced myself that I did love him. at least enough to make a marriage work.
Five years later, I now know better. Sadly enough. This marriage won't stand. Especially after what he pulled yesterday (I'll blog it...there really isn't an experience that I've seen that quite fits what happened). I married him for all the wrong reasons: security. stability. someone "good" for the kids (but not necessarily good for me). I can't spend the rest of my life like this. Now the only question left is...when does it officially end?