I Have Lost My Best Friend

I wrote a story back in October regarding my wife who had developed tumors in her pancreas.It is the 2nd marriage for both of us.We took awhile to get married as there were still issues from our 1st marriages.She had a verbally abusive husband who cheated on her as well and I was coming off a marriage that had just disintegrated 3 years after we had bought our 1st house.We had just grown apart and each of us felt we didn't know each other anymore.
My present wife had not felt well all summer.Nothing too specific.Loss of appetite,a spell of high blood pressure and sugar.We took a small tour of Canada and she had a bad dizzy spell at Canada's Niagra Falls and a lack of energy when we got to Quebec City.We decided she should see her Dr. when we returned home.
She did and the Dr. told her to go to the hospital.She was quite anemic and they ended up giving her 2 pints of blood and starting tests.It was discovered that she had tumors on her pancreas but 1 Dr.felt that they were not cancerous.They did a biopsy and the Dr. was wrong.
I had her transferred to a hospital in Boston where there was a Dr. who specialized in pancreatic cancer.He would perform an operation called a whipple.The tumors would be cut out and the balance of her organs would be re-routed.The operation would take 4-6 hours.
The Dr. wanted to see the family after 1 and 1/2 hours.Cancer had spread from her pancreas through her blood stream to her liver.She was in stage IV and we were told she had less than a year to live.The Dr. told her in the recovery room.
The operation was in November.We usually decorated for Christmas.It was her favorite time of year.Boxes and boxes of decorations were usually brought up from our cellar.A christmas village,couples dancing on a platform to Christmas music,a large faux Christmas tree with boxes of bulbs and figures,garland hung all over the house,Christmas cards framing a doorway.There were no decorations.There would be little joy this Christmas.
She decided she wanted to try chemo as a last resort and we got into a trial program at the hospital.We went every friday.We lived about 45 minutes from Boston.The people at Dana Farber were so kind and considerate.She loved them all and they loved her.She never complained.
She continued to lose weight.She had no appetite and could not sleep through the night.I would wake up and know she was not sleeping.I finally found something she liked.Popsicles.We would get up at 3 in the morning and we would have a popsicle.She always laughed at my jokes.She said I should be a stand-up comic but she didn't laugh much anymore.She would sit on the love seat and when she wasn't sleeping she would look around the house she loved so much like she knew she would not be seeing it very much longer.
Her family was very supportive and they would come to visit.She especially loved it when the grandchildren came to see her.We have 8 and 7 of them are 13 and under.They call her Bubba and they all loved her.She would get down on the floor and play games with them and she and they would giggle together.She was so loving to them and they loved her back.
Then one morning in March I handed her her cereal and she couldn't hold it in her hand and her speech was slurred.I knew she was having a stroke as the Dr.had me giving her shots every day to prevent them.She asked what was wrong with her and I said that I woukd have to call the ambulance.She started to cry and I think she knew that she would never see her home again.She slipt into a coma shortly after she arrived at the hospital.Her family came to the hospital that night and stayed until 3 in the morning.Then they left.
My son and I arrived at 9 A.M. and she was still unconcious.At about 9:30 she took some ragged breaths and with me at her side she left our world.I sobbed and sobbed and held her hand for the last time.
The family was very supportive.They put together a photo collage for her memorial service.250 people came to pay her last respects.We had a dinner for the family at a local restaraunt.And then I was alone.
The wonderful woman who was my best friend and advisor and travel companion was gone.The woman who nursed me back to health after my heart attack and surgery was gone.We used to lie in bed together on a saturday morning and I could get her laughing about something silly that had happened.Then we would go to breakfast and go for what we called a "road trip" and now I had no one to be with me on those lazy saturday mornings.She was gone forever.She had no desire for sex those last years.But our relationship was so much more.She would tell me her problems and after I listened and she felt better she would tell me that she can't imagine being without me.
Now I am without her and I miss her so very much.

Thank you so much for this site.This was so hard to write but it has helped.
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2 Responses Jul 13, 2010

I am very sorry for your loss. Grief cuts deeper than a knife. As time goes on the pain dulls and you find reasons to smile.

I am so sorry for your loss just allow yourself time to grieve....Let your emotions flow and you will feel better with time. They say time heals all things, it is true.<br />
My mother recently died ( in August 2011) and I had looked after her at home for the last 12 months of her life. It was probably one of the toughest times of my life but I just took one day at a time and still do!<br />
Even though your wife is no longer with you, she will always be with you in spirit....Look after yourself