If I Consider The Scenario, It Might Not Happen......?

I remember a time when I looked forward to each new day, when each morning brought new possibilities, not fresh scenarios of death or tragedy. I wasn't born this way, I'm not a monster; I was once unconditionally happy and depression was as foreign to me as Mexico is to suburban America (then again, suburbanites see Mexicans working their lawns whereas I never battled depression as a kid). The point is, as a child I was without worries or cares. Not true. I worried about being sunburned or being called a nerd in school (which happened anyway), but in terms of heavy hitting, heart thrashing worries? None. I was innocent, unmarred by the reality of the world; I woke up, ate breakfast, lived the day with friends, came home to family I love and enjoy, watched television which featured a TV show (any cartoon, really) that would entertain me and keep my mind occupied until bedtime. That was the entirety of my existence. I'm overstating this I know but bear with me.

In the present day, this night, I worry that I might not see my girlfriend tomorrow. She is supposed to arrive from Mexico at 2 pm, but I worry that the plane might crash or she might she get shot or someone will hurt her in ways I try not to imagine. My mind is a constant reel, the thoughts racing, overanalyzing: "she said she would get there an hour ago. is it traffic? did she get diverted? is she ok? is she even alive?" Turns out her phone had died and there was traffic. I overanalyze and think if a friend doesn't call or write, they're mad at me or I've done something wrong. If I say something, I wonder if it will offend someone or come off as weird or "uncool", so I stay quiet and end up being ignored because I don't talk. Who have I become? Where is that little boy who spoke his mind and trusted in his friends to accept him for the way he was; where is that child who trusted in the safety of tomorrow, in the safety of his friends and loved ones when he left them for the day?

Ive beared much pain and I'm so restrained and inhibited, I wonder if I'm living a life worth living. I understand the world can be dark and tragedies happen every day, but I'm so scared of one having found their way to my door; I fear being alone or being the butt of a joke' I suspect "they' talk about me when I leave; I fear of losing "them" to a world that may not care. So I ask again, who have I become?It
LeoRojas690 LeoRojas690
18-21, M
Aug 5, 2010