Am I Just Not Meant To Be Happy? Do I Not Deserve It?

   (Sorry if this is in the wrong section, I just didn't really know where to put it...
and advice would be great)

He's leaving.
He's moving to Lynnwood.
I know it's not all that far away, but at the same time it's on the the other side of the universe.
I mean, it's not as far as Yakima. But still. Lynnwood's not here. He's not going to be here with me.

 And it hurts especially bad. He knows what I went through with my ex. Although he's a better person than Dann, and he's treated me far better than anyone else ever has, I still can't help but feel abandoned and betrayed. I know his decision to move there had nothing to do with me, but I'm his girlfriend. Shouldn't my feelings count? Shouldn't I be at least a small reason to stay? I mean, isn't that what love's about? Being with that person and listening to them when they need you? He says he loves me, but how can he if he's not willing to try for me?

 Wow. I sounded so self centered just now. I know I'm not all that important. But I just wished that for once, someones life would be better because I'm in it. That someone would go out of their way for me, and try their hardest to be with me. That I would be important to someone who wasn't a blood relative. I wanted to be happy, and he makes me happy. He's everything I ever wanted in a guy. I love him so much, and I wanted to be worthwhile in his eyes. I wanted him to really, truly love me.
Obviously, I have abandonment issues. I always have. That's why I tried so hard not to get emotionally attached to him. (Yes, I know it's incredibly stupid, seeing as he's my boyfriend.) I just didn't want to get my heart broken again. I knew from the beginning that I would never be much of anything in his eyes, so why did I let myself fall in love with him? We were great friends... But somewhere along the line, I started to see him as much more.

 He's been there for me and helped me through so much. He was the friend that helped heal my heart when it was broken. He was there, he tried for me. But now, he's the one breaking my heart. And who will be here for me. To help me through this?
I'm terrified of losing him. Long distance relationships never really work out. They end in paranoia, jealousy, and pain. I don't want another "shadow" of a boyfriend. I don't want to end up waiting by the phone night after night, just to know that I'm not alone. I don't want to cry myself to sleep each night, remembering when he used to hold me and stroke my hair, when he would kiss my forehead and tell me he loved me. Remembering laughing with him, cuddling, and all the beautiful moments we had. I don't want to cling to a shadow of what was, pathetically hoping for things to go back to he way they were. And I just know that's what I'll end up doing. I hate myself for it, but at the same time, it's all I have.
I want him to stay with me. I want him to be here for me, to hold me when I cry and wipe away my tears. I want to be able to talk to him like I used to. I could tell him anything. He's the only person I've ever been able to truly be myself around. But now... How can I be myself around someone who's not, well, around? All my life, I've never been so comfortable around another person. And I've never felt quite like this about anybody. And I've never felt hurt like this either...

And I keep asking myself: why didn't it make any difference when I told him how I felt? Although it was over Windows Live IM (he's been out of town for two weeks, and hasn't had access to a phone) I know he could probably tell I was crying. Or he at least knew I was so far from being okay. He just said: "I'm willing to be with you even though I will be in Lynnwood. That is love." But no. Love is trying your hardest to be with that person. Love is being there for them, and doing anything you can to make them smile, to make them laugh. Love is being there... Being happy with that other person. Love is not leaving them, and moving away if you have the option of staying. Love is not causing that person so much pain...
And he's not going to be going to the same school anymore (obviously). It's hard to imagine LSHS without him.
And he doesn't even have to move over there. There were plenty of places here for the same price or cheaper. And he doesn't have a job, and hasn't found one yet, so that's not the issue. I mean, he kept saying he would stay here for two months, then one day “I found a place in Lynnwood and I'm moving in there” came out of nowhere. I just don't understand why he's leaving to live there. I mean, we haven't been having issues, and this has been the main problem... Did I **** things up? Is it all my fault? Did I do something wrong, something to lose his love? Because I don't think he DOESN'T love me, but I don't think he loves me all that much. Or he would have stayed here with me... Right?
DAMN IT! How do I do this? I can't deal with this. I wasn't prepared to lose him so soon. I tried so hard for him, tried so hard to help him find a place here. Tried to help him as much as I possibly could. But no! No matter what I did, it was never good enough. Nothing I do is ever good enough for anyone. My love isn't enough for him. My tears don't even faze him. He doesn't seem at all sad to be leaving me behind. He doesn't care how much pain I'm in or how much I miss him. It just doesn't matter.
He says he'll visit often. But I know how that'll work. He'll visit maybe every weekend or so, but then it'll be less and less. He'll be to tired, or to busy to come and see me. He'll get a job and then I'll never see him.


 I know I'm being stupid. I know I'm just blowing this all out of proportion. I know I'm being way too emotional. But... I love him. I really do. And it hurts to be separated from the person you love. So, isn't it natural for me to be upset?

God, the way I've put everything, I've made it sound like he's a horrible person. But that's so far off. He's an great person and an amazing boyfriend. He's treated me better than anyone else ever has, and he genuinely seems to care what I have to say. Just, for some reason, nothing I say on this subject seems to matter to him... I was only ***** ranting earlier. I'm just so hurt and a little angry at him for leaving me behind. But mainly, I'm scared. I'm terrified that this will put way too much of a strain on our relationship and I'll lose him completely.
And I'm afraid his roommate will make me even more paranoid. HER name is Becky. I know he's not dating her and they're family friends, but still... My last boyfriend left for job corps and cheated on me for two years before finally dumping me... I don't want the same thing to happen now :(

Lillium Lillium
Aug 6, 2010