I was that girl who sat in the back corner of the classroom hoping someone would notice me. I was that girl who never spoke up. I was that girl who never ate at lunch time because she was too embarrassed to be seen eating alone. I was that girl who spent her free time locked up in her room hiding from the world. I was that girl who put a razor blade to her arm thinking that would be enough to subdue the pain from her own thoughts. I AM the girl who suffers the consequences of her past and fears the outcome of her future. Would I go back in time? Yes. However, to this day I still torment myself over the things I have done. I wish to go back and fix my mistakes but I fear I will never know the things I must change to mend my present and future.
TransparentZero TransparentZero
22-25, F
1 Response Aug 18, 2014

Going back, as appealing as it is, would change who you are today, the times you were happy, the times you spent by yourself figuring out who you are would be gone, would you like that?

I understand the all wonderful things I will be giving up. However, my eyes can only see darkness and the light is only a slight flicker.

As some who never got even the slightest chance to be a kid or teen what are you so bent on. seriously I wanna know

I'm 21 years old. In my fourth year of college. Grew up with and depressed and alcoholic mother. Father is in the army. Last time I saw him was on my high school graduation 3 years ago. Can't remember the last time I've spoken to him but it doesn't matter because he's rarely in my life anyway. Live in NY alone while my mother is in GA. 3 years of therapy, 1 year on Zoloft, 3 attempts of suicide in the 6 months. Placed in a mental facility and had to lie in order to get released. Should I keep going because I have a lot more to say. I May be young but I know what I'm talking about.

First of all I asked out truly just wanting to get your side of things. Not just oh she's young it can't be that bad trust me I've been there and some what still am. Just wanted to help and still willing too. Message me if you need anybody to talk to.

Sorry! I am pretty sensitive when it comes to my age. I have a baby face and look much younger than my age. People say I look 14. To this day I get the craziest glares when buying a pack of cigarettes or a 6 pack of beer even when I show them ID. Plus no one has every really taken me seriously. But honestly I'm really fine. I'm a lot better than I was a few months ago. But I will very much take you up on the offer message you if I need to talk. Thank you!

I agree completely with Sean. Don't weep for roads untravelled. You have no idea what lied behind those corners.

There are no choices. Nothing but a straight line. The illusion comes afterwards, when you ask "Why me?" and "What if?". When you look back, see the branches, like a pruned bonsai tree, or a forked lightning. If you had done something differently, it wouldn't be you. It would be someone else looking back, asking a different set of questions.

My post was not meant for weeping. It was just me telling myself that I am ready to take the next step to overcome my childhood no matter what difficulties lie ahead of me. When I wrote those words I was not in tears and I do not cry for my life.

I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. I didn't mean that you would weep for the past, and I'm glad you are ready for the next step

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