When I Discovered I Had Bpd......

When i was in high school i found myself being overwhelmed with emotions i coul;dnt explain. i constantly need reassurance from people that they wouldnt leave (abandonment issues). As i got older i noticed myself being very emotional and angry of pointless things. All my relationships had ended do to my instability in some form or another. After i had gotten fired from several jobs had no real friends and was finacially ruined i joined the Navy. When i joined i had been keeping in contact with a childhood friend. we wrote letters back and forth while i was in boot camp, along with my family. We developed a reationship doing this and when i was able to go home on leave we spent everyh moment together. I was an emotional wreck the whole time. Couldnt grasp reality during that month was like i was lost in a story. Anyway this all led to one night in a hotel room. i wanted to have sex but she didnt i became enraged and stared yelling and crying. Finally i went into the bathroom and tried to hang myself. Luckily the girl i was with walked in ands pulled me down. You can guess after that it was an emotional experience for both of us. I scared her for life because of my instability.When i left for my command in Japan we promised we would Skype. So we did but finally she said she was leaving me and then once again i freaked out and went nuts. Sadness, anger, felling abandoned, and rage all set in. I tried once again to kill myself. I was taken to the base hospital and evaluated by a shrink. After a 3 hour session he diagnosed me with BPD. I was then put on the track for discharge. Its been 4 years since that happened and my life still has no stability. NO realtionship has really worked friendship or romantic. The funny thing is is that im married and have a 1 year old daughter. I for some reason cant feel the emotion of love for neither my wife or child or even my family. I turn to social drinking for comfort and feel of acceptance sometimes it works sometimes it does. My wife tries tyo understand my disorder but i dont know how to explain it to her.

Another thing i find myself doing is creating a false reality in my mind. A reality were im someone else. and this has been going on most of my life. I have gotten so wrapped up in this reality i sometimes forget who i really am. Its like i put my real self on auto pilot and escape to this world were i am succesful, loved, have friends, and basically have a fairy tale life.

In reality my mood changes frequently, im so sparatic. one minute im happy next sad next angry next depressed. i want so badly to just be able to truely feel love for my wife and daughter. Be able to be in a realtionship were im not shackeled my my disorder. If anybody knows of treatments or can give me any insight or just something saying you understand me would be very benifiacial.

Thank You
Holdenr
holdenr holdenr
22-25, M
2 Responses Sep 25, 2012

holdenr-
When I read your story, it resonated with what I have been going through. I too go into another reality. I have the need to be reassured, fear of abandonment, the mood changes. I am female, so I think I also have PMDD (self-diagnosed). So one week out of the month, I feel like I am sinking into a black hole. The rest of the time, I have to deal with BPD. How have you been coping?

I found a website that is very helpful, the articles give great insight.
http://bpdfamily.com/
I hope you will be able to enjoy your family life with your wife and child.