Depression!

Why is love so hard to find? Why does every woman turn on me the instant I ask them out? Am I just destined to be alone? Why do I feel so wrong when I do finally get a date? Is it because I have known I am a girl at heart since I was a small child? Is this why my ex left me and our daughter, because she could not be with another woman?

If I transition to be the woman I know I am, will I find the love of another person waiting for me? Will I finally be happy with who and what I am? Or am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life? Why is life so hard for me? Would anyone truly miss me if I was not around except for my daughter? Can anyone be truly happy without love in their life?

I know I am heterosexual in my male body; I can’t bring myself to have sex with a man while I am a man. However I can’t see myself having sex with a woman as a woman. So with the mind and heart of a woman and the body of a man does that make me homosexual by going to bed with a woman? If I wake my body female and go to bed with a man am I heterosexual or homosexual?

How can I go on if no one can love me for me? How will my daughter feel about me once I finish becoming the woman I know I am? How will my homophobic father feel about when he finally learns the truth about his only son? What will happen to me if I cannot finish my transition from male to female? Will people accept me as a she-male or will I be rejected altogether?

If my life was to end today would anyone truly care and what would they care about? Would my daughter be better off without me in her life since I only get to see her once a week because my job keeps me away from her? Would my sister morn my loss even though she has rejected me for what I am or would she be relieved I can no longer corrupt her children as she puts it?

I want to know the joy of getting pregnant. The joy of having a new life grow within me. And the joy of bringing that life into the world through child birth. But alas I will never know such joy. I was born male and after 35 years as such my body is irreversibly male in every way. Had I been able to start HRT when I was 10-12 years old I might be able to get a special surgery to let me know the joy of child birth. The bones of the male are shaped wrong and the Organs are in the wrong place and some are even to big. The male brain is even so different that it will not allow for the development of a new life in the body.

The closest I will ever come to knowing the joy I seek is through the stories of others. If anyone is willing to share.
Rose35 Rose35
36-40, T
2 Responses Dec 16, 2012

You are a woman and if you are attracted to another women this means you are homosexual,not straight.However,ask yourself If you trully love women or you love who YOU want to be(a woman).In another words,maybe you think some woman is pretty in a way that you would like to look like her or have her body,but not be in real love with her.Think about that.What is your first thought when you see some woman in a street,is it that you would like to look like her or be in a relationship with her?If it's first,than maybe you are not a lesbian,you maybe just want to look feminine and have a fem body....

Thank you Mihael, I wrote this nearly a year ago and have since come to terms with most of my feelings. My therapist believes I may be pansexual but says only I can answer this.

Yes most of my desires for women is because of my desire to look like them. Again thank you for your comment.

you are welcome... i am glad you came in touch with all your feelings :)

After 40 odd years of knowing and 3 major bouts of dysphoria (each one worse than the last) in my adult adult life I have started transition and am almost 3 months on HRT. Good luck

Thank you. I have just started my third week and have already noticed a difference in how I feel. I have even noticed my chest getting bigger.