Found My Bio-son

When I was 17, I had a six month relationship with a girl who ended up pregnant. We moved  into a little apartment and lived together for 28 days.  Very early on I realized that I was not able or ready to be a husband, but definitely wanted to be a father.  She understandably was very angry, and made an ultimatum “all or nothing”.  That I had until the birth of the baby to come back to her, or I could not be in the baby’s life.  At this part there are tons of could’ve, should’ve, would’ve, but the fact of the matter is that I walked away.  Soon after the birth, she married an ex-boyfriend, and from what I can gather accepted the baby as his son.
When the baby was 2, I was in the process of moving from Brazil to the US.  I went to her house, and stood by the door hearing a kid play.  That was the only time I heard my son!  I could not bring myself to knock on the door. She had rebuilt her life and I could not mess it up or just barge in. I had done enough harm to her already.
Fast forward 15 years, I have been married to the love of my life for 12 years, have two beautiful sons. My wife's extremely supportive, and has always known about my son. She is my detective, counselor, cheerleader, and support.

After many tries, I could find ANYTHING about the mother on the internet.  
After a lot of research, I FOUND HIM!!!  He has my eyes, nose, hair, hands, ugly toes, complexion, and height ( 6’7”!!!).  He has the mother's maiden name as his last.
I could not find the mother, but found a close friend/cousin of hers on FB.  Sent her a message that I needed to get in contact with the mother, and a week later he received a message,”She wants nothing to do with you. Stay anonymous, forget them.” I tried a few more messages but she refuses to have any contact with me.  She is adamant that I should not contact the bio-son.  He has a father, and it's not me.

Now I am extremely torn and confused.  There are a million questions, but these are the main ones: 

• Is my bio-son better off not knowing? 
• Since he has no idea, how detrimental will it be for him to find out the truth at the age of 17?
• Should we contact him? If so, in person, email, phone? (I will fly to Brazil if it is the best option)
• He loves basketball and anything from the US.  Should we bring up that I am an US Citizen, and as my son he can be as well.

We do not want this to become a war with bio-son stuck in the middle, and kind of lost on how to make this smooth.  I do not want to hurt his family, or take their place.  I am also very thankful that the dad adopted and raised my son. I just want my son to have the option to know me if that is what he wants.

I would love any feedback and advice that could possibly change the trajectory and outcome of our lives.

Sincerely,
Bio-Dad
Jelezoglo Jelezoglo
31-35
4 Responses Nov 25, 2012

Don't give up on connecting with him. I have a feeling he knows there's something different about him (certain traits or characteristics he has from your dna that no one else possesses) and at some point he's going to ask, if he hasn't already. I think the mother shooing you away has more to do with interrupting her life rather than exploring what may truly be best for the son you have together. As a child who found out she had a different biological father at the age of 26, knowing that my family lied hurt more than anything. I would have wanted to know. Good luck and don't give up!

Kim, Co-founder of mydnadad.com

Posted by skiwalker Aug 31st, 2012 at 6:39PM
I never reached out to my son because he had a step-dad and like so many people on this site say, they consider their step dad their father. the mother never contacted me to tell me the step-dad was never a dad to my son. I always payed my support. I just didn't want to interfere where I wasn't wanted. She could have sent me a note too. I was wrong not to check in. meeting my adult son was wonderful.

mother maiden name? sound to me that you need to contact him .the fact that her mother no want any contact sound fishy to me, she is anger maybe to you, and you son is pay that anger ,some times are mothers that prevent reunions because selfishness

**** the mother go and find your son,go look for you son he is waiting for you i am sure,no waste no time anymore do whatever to find him , the mother is her opinion, you need to hear from him not the mother, is your son run no walk, maybe she is telling lies about you to keep her happy family in place,