Anybody Have A Map? Or A Compass? Or... Y'know, I'd Settle For Smoke Signals Or A Little Kid's Treasure Map At This Point.

I have had a multitude of aspirations in my short lifetime. Surprisingly, the ones I set my mind to accomplishing yielded wonderful and fulfilling results. I started a theatre company at 19 which eventually made papers and a local theatre wanted to produce my work. I aspired to raise my brother and work full time and go to college, which I somehow pulled off without having a car. I recognize that I am a phenomenal person, and I cherish my strengths. For the last year I have been managing a band and networking more and more. It's so easy to get lost in any aspect of the entertainment industry. You always realize how small you are, how easily the world goes on turning without you. I then aspired to never lose myself. My boyfriend of two years was the drummer in the band I manage. We lived together, and the keyboard player was about to move in with us as well. Our apartment was the band storage, practice space, "administrative office", and hang out. We were looking forward to a very busy time ahead of us, with over sixty shows in the next five months and our first event concert approaching in December. Two weeks ago, something terrible happened. This person so dear to my heart physically abused me, and the world seemed to come crashing down. Now, I am a compassionate woman, but I am by no means a woman who will allow anyone in any position in my life to lay a single finger on me in a violent manner. This was his first offense, and it is certainly his last. After I was released from the hospital, and he got out of jail, our apartment was empty the very next day. The band began searching for a new drummer and practice space, and the keyboard player and I found places to stay temporarily. I had to cancel and reschedule so many shows, the idea of checking my email nauseated me. Everything was simultaneously ruined and hopeful at the same time. I am that person who can magically make something out of nothing. I thrive on that challenge. Give me a limited budget, a few people willing to contribute to a project, and I'll give you whatever you and I can dream up. That's who I am and what I do. I create from nothing. Currently, in my life I have, well, nothing. My things are in storage, my pets are with my mom, and I'm trying to carry on my operations with a duffel bag of clothes and books and a pallet on the floor made out of my yoga mat. I keep telling myself that Al Pacino was once so down and out, he was sneaking back into a theatre after rehearsal to sleep under the stage at night, but my magical creative spark has been doused by heartbreak. Where is it that I just want to get to? I want to get back to being the person who would have all of this under control. I want to get back to feeling empowered. I want to get back to having a full week of shows booked, with photo shoots, practices, meetings, parties, and recording in between. I want to get back to snuggling my cat at night, and I want to sleep in a real bed. I also want to get past all of this, to move into the future and get past all of this temporary bullshit. I want to come out of this experience a stronger and better person who doesn't look back with regret, and I want to prevent the band from losing momentum just because one person made terrible decisions. Relationships in this industry are such a precarious balance. I want to get to a point where I can handle all my spinning plates again without constantly feeling like they're going to topple. Yeah, this wonderful place in my mind where I'm on the path to healing and the band is on the path to more endorsements and a bigger tour... I WOULD LIKE TO GET THERE.
intelligencefirst intelligencefirst
22-25, F
Aug 5, 2010