Wherever That Is...

I'm sure I'm not alone in this--this feeling like I want to get somewhere, but I'll be damned if I know just where the hell that place is. I crave satisfaction, peace, serenity. Is it possible to attain those things in this lifetime, or even during any lifetime, as a mortal?



When I was young--think between 7 and 12--I used to be filled with endless optomism. I literally thought that I could be a king when I grew up; or, at the very least, the owner of the first privately held media conglomerate in decades. Yes, even at that young of an age, I knew the meaning of "conglomerate" (I read a lot). As I get older, my expectations become more realistic, or perhaps just more pessemistic. Who am I to say that it's out of my reach to attain that goal? Maybe I'm just shell-shocked, and letting it get to me. Maybe I'm throwing in the towel too readily. Maybe if I held out, gave things my all, I'd be able to achieve all my dreams--even dreams as magnificent as that of owning/running a massive media conglomerate. I don't know. The only thing I do know is that as I get older, my dreams and aspirations get smaller. At the rate they're diminishing, by the time I turn forty it may be my grand ambition to wash dishes for a living; or, perhaps, to man the till at a corner gas station. That's a frightening thought.



I believe that there is something to believing whole-heartedly in our dreams; that they only become out of reach if we perceive them as such.



Perhaps what has happened to me is that I've realized that I'm not sure what it will take to be satisfied; to have serenity; to feel complete. That realization, coupled with my growing understanding of just how much time, effort, stress, soul, and heart it would take to achieve my dreams, makes me very skittish about going for any one dream. What if I invest 20 years into making the conglomerate thing happen, only to find that I'm old, an *******, lonely, and still just as unsatisfied as I am today? Sure, I'd be filthy rich--but by itself wealth isn't worth much.



So, I find myself in a no man's land; maintaining a holding pattern...waiting for that magic moment when I finally realize that such-and-such WILL definitely satisfy me, grant me serenity, etc. Unsurprisingly, that magic moment has yet to arrive. The longer I wait the more certain I become that it will never show up. And realizing that, I feel a growing sense of desperation: what do I do, having recognized that I'll never know for sure what will bring satisfaction and serenity?



How do I choose where to throw my precious remaining years of life, energy, heart and soul? I don't want to **** up the one life I have.



Do any of you, my co-passengers on this ship called Life, have any tips on how to chart a course?



Maybe tips won't help, and moments like this are merely gateways along the path--gateways we all pass through at various intervals in our lives. Maybe this desperation, this fear, this confusion, is just the growing pains of the maturity that comes with age.



Maybe this desperation will give way to serenity in simply making a choice, and then giving that choice my all. Could it really be that simple?



But there is so much I want to do; so much to do, so little time.
liferiot liferiot
26-30, M
3 Responses Oct 5, 2006

I agree with MysticWriter. You have to stop trying to get "somewhere" because you are already there. There is no place "to go to". Expand your thinking to "many lifetimes". You exist. You will ALWAYS exist. Eternity is a long, long time. Slow down- enjoy the roses.

I have to disagree with Emerald!! Here is the secret to sucess::: (Pay attention!! Write it down.....but, be sure to quote it in my name cuz I plan on making a lot of money with it): When we realize that, at any given moment, we already have everything that we need, THAT'S when things that once seemed completely unattainble just start FALLING in our laps!!! I have a million stories to back that philosophy up!! One that's super-relevant, though, is regarding music and photography....I should start an experience group....and then we can have a discussion about it....cuz you and me could discuss A LOT!!!

You're not a pessimist, you're a REALIST! And that shoulders alot of mental responsibility. And disstress. Have you ever seen a flighty, airhead with a look of stress on 'em? (only if they're having a bad hair day!) And noone can chart your coarse to happiness. Only you can find it. I know, I'm still there looking at times,too. Do any of us really ever find that contentment and harmony? Hmmm, better yet, do we really want or need it? Could it make us lazy or stagnant? And take advantage of the important things in life? We tend to do that when we're too comfy.