New Year's Eve. Away From Each Other. Misread "signals". What Should I Do?

Let me tell you about D. He is a great guy: nice, funny and charming. We met at a New Year's Eve party and I really liked him then. I contacted him a few months later (May) and we started chatting every day. I thought we were close (he was more special to me as I was to him). I felt good when talking to him. It was a month or so since we've been chatting and he invited me to his birthday. I wanted to see in person if he felt the same way as I do. I never asked him. I just observed. The conclusion: No, he wasn't that into me. But I kept in touch afterwards. It wouldn't have changed that I care for him.
In October we went out. I invited him but all was strongly friendly though I wouldn't have minded it to be something more. I just admired him and was glad that I could spend some time with him.
It was November, I think, as I understood that he is in a relationship with another girl. She knew from a third person that I had feelings for him. So I later found out that they had been discussing me and my affection towards him. He told her, he had suspected that but had been never sure. It came clear to me that he had never felt what I did and although I didn't confess myself, if he wanted, he would've made a move.
New Year's Eve again. He was still in a relationship. I was jelous, of course. I never understood where I went wrong. I really wanted to be with him. At midnight he kissed his girlfriend. A minute later he came to me, wished me all the best and said, he wanted me to be happy. I kept telling myself, "It's okay. It doesn't mean a thing. Let him go."
The beginning of January. I contacted him. I am almost always the first to write. But this time I didn't carry out the discussion on my own. He confided in me that things between him and his girlfriend aren't so great.I selfishly used this opportunity to tell him that I felt something. Felt. However, I masked the truth that things have never changed on my side. He said, "And I made you give up just as she (his girlfriend) is giving up now." I replied, "No, I gave up because I knew you would never feel that way as I did". No response. He changed the subject to his relationship problems, so I went along with it and I advised him to try harder if she made him happy.
They broke up the next day. And my hope rose again though I fought so hard to not let it. Things were by me the same as they were half a year ago. I stopped contacting him in hope that my feelings would cool off. He didn't bother to write to me either.
I called him for his birthday. He was like "Oh, thank you very much. You have a birthday yourself soon, don't you?". Yeah. In the evening I saw a message from him inviting me to his birthday (The second one I was going to.). I got drunk. I made a fool of myself. He later told me that I have hugged him and "hung on his neck for a while". Well, I actually don't remember that. It wasn't the best night in my life, you know. As far as our chat is concerned, I contacted him a few times during the next months. There was nothing that made me feel that he actually wants to talk to me, wish of participation - none.
3rd New Year's Eve with the same gang. He wasn't supposed to come, that's why I decided to join the party again. Yet he did come. He had changed - became a bit more rude, didn't bother to talk to me as much as last year. But he had still this thing in him, I once again noticed how naturally charming he is. I couldn't say he had been avoiding me that night, no. We exchanged a few words actually. I was angry with him and unintentionally said a few not so pleasent things but I didn't get a verbal reaction. I couldn't shake off the feeling that he despised me.
My following attempts of friendship renewel were unsuccessful. He answered as briefly as never. I wasn't wanted.
I still remeber how great it felt in the beginning when he showed interest in my life. I understand it was all friendly. But I want those moments again. And I still want him to be there. And I still wish that one day I would be as special to him as he is to me.
What do I do now?
CuzIStillImagine CuzIStillImagine
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 7, 2013

reading through your story...
you said that
"you felt good when you were talking to him" :)

and you want those moments again

infatuation maybe?

there are things that are beyond our control...

we can never demand the same things from other people...

let them see your worth ...

maybe it is better to accept things the way they are

you are young.. enjoy your years, make it worth remembering :)