Tall Is My EgoI'm short. Yet when I walk around the public, I feel tall. I feel proud. I talk the talk...when in the blue moon I talk.
Am I really a oversized chihuahua?
I'm seventeen and 5"6. I feel like a giant in a very smug way. Online once when I was about fourteen, however, I was told that I'm short in a factual and kind manner...and I was flabbergasted at this--from up until then everyone else just seems so...short, small wherever I go in public, or simply around my friends or family. It doesn't matter the gender, I just feel taller then them.
But when left to my own devices in the dark of my room I start to feel small. Sometimes when I close my eyes I feel microscopic and insignificant. My mind slowly makes my shell get smaller and smaller as my senses sink into the surroundings. Opening my eyes again, I note that my ego has left me.
When out in public and out of isolation, my pride returns...yet leaves me again under the sun.
In this natural light, rather then artificial lights or shade, I feel naked again like I do closing my eyes...but instead of small I feel horribly imposing, like a tall and grim monolith in front of all the world to see. My eyes wince, my skin bakes, my mind panics. I pace myself, and my already cruelly perfect poster grows stiffer, even straighter. My pride isn't much help anymore until I fuel up again under manufactured lights, or in the darker and more isolated sidelines.
This inflation of myself I have in eyes of others remains until my solitude, for better or worse.
Why is it that I normally like making myself known, and yet when the world--people--really See(s) me, this likeness fades away?
A insecurity buried inside a stubborn nature?
My reason coupled with my mind says otherwise, of course.
And yet I feel that intuition of mine rising up and trying to tell me the truth. Is it really, doubtfully, insecurity or something else? Something more?
I don't know, but now I wonder plenty of things. Is my enviroment toxic? I am getting more dark-minded by the day, even sarcastic the more I spend on the internet or out in public.
Is this some sort of hint backing up what I want in life; wanting to live a life in discovery rather then one of society?
All that I know is that there's something of this that I may never fully know...but I ought to take a hint.
deleted 26-30 2 Responses 2 Jul 16, 2011