Maybe The Future Is Set In Stone

Growing up, things where pretty tough within itself. Ever since June 6, 2004, my life has been a pretty heavy roller coaster ride. On that date, my father Lawrence Andrew Ingram was arrested in Clermont, Florida and was later charged with the sexual assault of two minors. It was also the day of my mom and dad's anniversary (how fitting). Those two minors are my two sisters Aimee and Shannon. The molestations expanded almost a decade and he was given three consecutive life terms. The first one dating all the way back to 1997. To this day, he continues to rot away in a prison cell where he will be for the rest of his life. This event was the first of many that sparked my interests in the unjust ways of human beings.

I live as a minority within a minority. I live as a metalhead who just so happens to be gay. Both are detested by society and organized religion. Even more so, gays have a hard time in trying to fit into the heavy metal sub-culture. Even though we have heavy metal icons such as Rob Halford (Judas Priest) and more underground ones such as Ghaal (ex-vocalist of Norway's Gorgoroth), things are still pretty difficult. That difficulty arose when I learned a bit about heavy metals past. In 1992, the drummer (Faust) of Norwegian black metallers Emperor was charged with the murder of a gay acquaintance. Jon Nödtveidt of Sweden's Dissection was found guilty as an accomplice to the murder of an Algerian gay man in 1997. Jon was a good guy though. He had no hatred towards gays. He was just caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. Even more so of a stab to my heart was learning of some of the anti-gay statements made in the late 90's by Wagner Lamounier of Sarcófago. Even through all of this, I still remain a fan of these bands and metal. Metal is more than music, it is my religion. In the words of Entombed: "We love it like you love Jesus. It does the same thing to my soul".

Time waits for no man and surely isn't going to wait a century for the next person to pick up the bill metaphorically speaking. So many spend so much time fighting amongst each other that nothing gets done. Everyone from religious sects, political groups or even those in the fight for a current state of equality (i.e. gay rights groups and women's rights groups). I know this being particularly true for myself with the gay rights movement. I am a 22 year old young gay man and it breaks my heart to see the constant dividing in the LGBT community. Everything from warped views on gay life from some gay men to utterly arrogant points of view from some lesbian women. We are either in the fight for equality all together or none at all! Whether you are black, white, overweight, skinny, feminine, or masculine, I grown to love many different kinds of people from all walks of life within the LGBT community. From the way I see things, we are all outcasts and should stick together.

I feel as though I no longer have the right to voice my thoughts and feelings on certain issues without persecution. This is due to what many dub the "double standard". Maybe I should just do as I am told and keep my mouth wired shut. Very few believe me when I tell them that I was sexually abuse by a female when I was a little boy. Many thought I was referring to dad but the thing is that my dad liked little girls NOT little boys. I know what happened but people still refuse to believe me. Any person from any culture from any race, religion, creed, status, gender can commit acts of evil. Evil knows no boundaries! Evil is indiscriminate! No one and not even myself are exempt from it. Gay people are not perfect and neither are women. Jeffery Dahmer and Elizabeth Bathory would beg to differ with anyone that would wish to paint the two aforementioned groups as "100% perfect". For every good, there is an evil and for every evil, there is a good. You can't have one without the other because then being good would be pointless. Even through all of the bull, I still continue to live with a giving heart even if it means getting stepped on. Everything from my work with the women's shelter in my town to giving a married couple a roof over their head before they used me for my money, I still continue to do what is right. But when will i get it in return? It seems that every time I go out of my way to help people, I later receive a nice stabbing in the back. That is the curse of being an Ingram. It is the same with my mother and it is so with me.

So, Here I am even after unsuccessful suicide attempts. I am still here but how much longer do I have to endure humanity's unjust on before I just drop dead in the middle of nowhere one day. I try to have a good heart but deep inside lies a need to see those that have wronged me (males and females both) suffer for all eternity. All I can do is keep on going and going until that day of true happiness arrives. Well, that is if it ever does! No matter how hard some of us try, some of us go to the grave alone. In the words of the legendary George Carlin: "I hope you are happy now that I am God damn dead!". Ha, Just had to add that last one.

TheFormativeYears TheFormativeYears
22-25, M
Jan 21, 2013