Lost and Confused
Things have been on a downward slide for a bit lately. I lost my job and have no desire to do the kind of work I have done for the past 30 years. I am in a relationship that is also a little over 30 years. My wife and I are friends but that is about all. The funny thing is she watches tv shows and laughs at things like someone complaining about not having sex in over a week. This boggles me because she has not offered me any since the last century. That is right folks, it has been over 10 years since I saw any action. (On the home front anyway). I had an affair in 1999 and that ended when my lover kept pressuring me to leave my wife. Although my relationship is rocky, I would have been worse off if I had jumped in. I warned my wife once that maybe someday someone would rock my world and things might change but my warning went unheeded. A week ago I met a girl and treated her nice. I went out with her to a mall and we had a great time. She had a hard time getting past the fact of my being married but the next time we saw each other, I ended up over her apartment and we didn't go all the way but it was I guess what they call "heavy petting". She made me feel so good. It was so long since I held someone and kissed them. She made sure I was always comfortable and she was so gentle and warm. That night when I went home, I was agonizing. I believed it was fate that had put her there and immediately started contemplating a change in my life. I would be leaving a nice house for a little apartment and I dont know how she would have been in the long run. I know she has problems with depression and is on meds for it. I already have one who has head problems. One is a clean freak who is cold as ice. The other one isn't as neat but gets hot as a 2 dollar pistol. Yesterday when I saw her, she had had a night to think over what had happened and I think her conscience was whipping her about being with a married man. She didn't even give me time to make up my mind. I asked her if she expected me to just cut and run after knowing her only a week. How can I make a change that fast? Actually she did me a favor because I dont have to mull it over any more. I guess with the job thing I have enough to think about. But it still HURTS.
Okay...here's the deal. I extended myself to her, treated her better than anyone ever had (she said that), and now tomorrow if I go to the community center where I met her, she will be there. I know she looks forward to going to the place and I dont want to be the cause of her not going any more. If I dont show up, she will know she is the cause. If it was up to me it would be a cold day in hell before I saw her again because I am angry and hurt. I feel like she is an ingrate and she should have overlooked my situation till I knew what I was doing. I did volunteer to do things for her so it is not like she used me, but still she brushed me off regardless. I thought about going and pretending I didn't know her name. I can be icy too. When we parted on sunday, I didn't show I was angry. She told me we should only see each other at the center which was a nice way of saying not to go to her apt. any more. I just split out after fixing her car and patted her on the shoulder telling her I'd see her on wednesday. Now people I need your input. She admitted to me she had had a rough night the night after we were in her apt. clinging to each other. My thing is....is she hurting now? Is she thinking about how she hurt a person who tried to help? I know I cant totally blame her. If she asked a friend of hers she would have been told to give me the boot. Our situation was different though. I had no intention of using her. A little kindness and tenderness was too much to ask I guess. I fell for her because I see her needs. She touched me in my heart and I know I will always worry about her... wondering if she is ok and has eaten, things like that. She is kind of like a stray kitten and I just wanted to help. It felt good to feel love from someone after all these years. What would you do, people?