I Will Try

Okay, so I will try to do it. It is hard, but well....

I do not know how to start. Sometimes i think I am really insane to think of all that as of an issue. people come and go, meet and break up, that is called life. But if it is nothing, why do I feel so bad? am  i  over reacting?

I do not know what to do... I guess I should have seen it comming. Have been with him for over 5 years now and I just can not take it anymore. I know it is cruel and that is why I feel so bad. we hardly talk to each other anymore. i tried to talk with him but i do no know how to exxplain all this without hurting him. and I am not sure if I want to tell. I mean I know I have to tell him how I feel but what happens then? I can not afford this. so sad.

I have been crying again yesterday. I told him that it is because of that book I was reading. I guess he believed me so my tears were justified that time.

I am a little afraid that it will happen all over again. I was going through a depression two years ago. I tried to hide it as much as I could so nobody else would be worried. Well..... he did not notice anything. but my dad admitted just a week ago that my "illness" had scared him very much. How is that possible that a person I have lived with did not see anything and my father whom I have been seeing once every week did. i guess i am a very good actor.

I am scared because I have known for some time already that I have to fight for myself. I can not be like this anymore, passive. the ice cream thing.... my life will melt and I will not even notice. she was right by saying this.

I came here with him. only me and him. I did not want to go but he said he would anyway. So we are both here. No, I do not think he would have left me. i thought it would be a good decision. new place, new people, new life and then I was not the 'fun' person anyway. i was struggling with every little thing, every day. and partly i was not mistaken. at first it was wonderful. new places, new people, new job. Great job actually! 

I felt my home was here and not were I had come from. now I do not know if I have home anymore.

I do not love him. telling the truth I guess I have never loved him. i like him. He is a good person. I wish I loved him though. everything would be way easier then. everything we have is ours. we can not not be together. one of us just can not move out. but we can not stay together either. On the other hand, I/he would not be able to affort the rent alone. life.

I feel like my life is over. I can not tell it to him... I know I have to but I just cannot. he is not my friend even, I do not confess to him, he is more like a... reltive... I really like him and I care for him. that is so sad, we have been together for more that 5 years now.... All this years... my god. that is just..... sad....

i am so unhappy, I am so scared. I would love to talk with somebody. Somebody who would really listen. Everyone i know is back where my home used to be. and here, I have only colleagues. and him. I was so busy not letting anyone notice how sad I was.... I did not let anyone to know me. the real me. I am always so optimistic and cheerful outside. and so miserable inside.

I thought I had one colleague that was starting to be my friend. he was the one who was asking why i had been so sad when I was doing my best to hide it. I really wanted to tell him everything, explain it all.... just talk about what hurts the most. He is really nice and supportive. I just can not ... well , I still do not know if he really wants to listen to me or he is just being nice but really does not care at all. I would not want to cross the line there. and anyway, I was already backstabbed by colleagues with my previous job. God, I just want to spit it out finally. about when I was cheated on, about that depression, that I cry every night, about how I pretend to be somebody I am not, that I am really tired of it all...... and that I am really scared. really scared that it will happen to me again. i have been through depression already once and I weould never, ever want to go through that again. my god, and I feel like if I do not do anything now..... I so much want to be listened to. or maybe the problem is i am unable to trust anyone..?

Oh,..... already 1 am, and I need to get up early tomorrow!

I feel al little better. no more thinking how miserable my life is anymore. NO MORE! I will join new class tomorrow. new people, new activities. like you guys told me. sounds like a plan. this is all thanks to the people that listened to my blabbling last time.

Thank you guys.

 

spot spot
31-35, F
5 Responses Jun 24, 2007

Thanks, I wrote that almost a month ago. Now I know where I stand. I totally agree with you but it still scares the hell out of me as well. It would not be a break up but a divorce rather as everything we have gathered during the years is ours. Apartment, car, even the cat. I wish I could just pack my bag and leave. It would be way easier that way.

Last summer when my breakup was still pretty fresh, I was in a lot of pain, no one really knew since I did such a good job at hiding it. Don't feel bad about the way you feel. I'm not exactly an expert in the relationship field. :), but the best advice I can give is break up, understand about not being able to afford the rent, but your personal well-being is important. Find a roomie.:) Break-ups do have an upside, they do make you stronger. Mine did.

Hi. Your story really moved me. I just wanted to shout out I'll listen, tell me.<br />
I had a really bad break up just over 6 6 years ago (I cannot believe its that long ago). I don't think about him anymore but I only stopped thinking about him when I had heard (not from him by the way) that he was engaged. then nearly a year later heard he was married. That made me stop wollowing pretty sharpish. I know now looking back that I was severly depressed at the time but hid it well - at least I think I do. I have never really recovered but I'm ok. & I'm happy with OK most of the time (I get lonely so often now). I have never had relationship since but I know looking back I've wasted so many years by not putting myself out there to try to meet someone else but I'm just not the "putting myself out there" kind of person. Funny coz I know the man of my dreams will not be knocking on the door - I have to be out side of my house!!! yes its almost that bad, to find him.<br />
anyway - I'm unsure if you are sad because you are with someone you don't love or if you love this person deeply and he has cheated on you and you are terrified of it happening again? Do get in touch - I'd be happy to chat anytime and swop our miseries and try to cheer eac other up a bit!!! ;)

Sounds like you are a strong person, breakups can be so hard. If you have a father who really loves you, and really knows you, it sounds like it would be good for you to be with him. I was 23 when I had my first real breakup. We had been together for 4 years. It's so hard, and time is the only thing that will heal you. But you will heal, and you will learn so much from this. They say everything happens for a reason. that got me through my breakup. I thought of the person I was because of being in the relationship, and how much i had grown from being with this person. It was time to move on and to say goodbye...and I had to accept this. Depression goes along with every breakup, so know that and keep busy with friends and activites. When i felt really depressed, i made a list of things I wanted/needed to do, even really small things, just to get me out of the house, just to get my mind on something else, and this helped. Excercise, doing things with friends, this all helped more than anything. Good luck. you are strong and know that someday this sadness will pass and you will be happy and you will have the life that you dream of.

Good luck...you can't live your life trapped in hell...find a way out, find someone you can trust; friends make all the difference in the world.