I Am Messed Up

I have just talked with him, with my friend. Well.. my colleague, the only person on the world that knows a tiny little bit about me. Still I have to remember he is just a colleague. I want to tell him all about me so much.

He fancies one girl from his work and he cannot stop talking about her. How lovely she is, how he wants to talk with her all the time, like 3 minutes seem to last ages when he is waiting for her text message... I wish all the best for him. I know he would gladly give away everything just to be able to be in the same room with her. I really hope she feels the same about him and that they will end up together.

And that is the reason I feel so bad. When I am with him life seems to be great and so simple. When I am back and alone - it is complicated again. Everything is so easy when I am with him. He has been through a bad relationship. Did not like it so he ended it. Why can’t I do it? I know, I know, he is very young. Is it the age thing? Is it because he hasn't been through bad stuff yet at all? Or maybe the reason is that he is a guy. Or all of it together?

I wish I could be like him. I am really messed up. I feel great when with him and really ****** when he is gone. I have to remember he is a colleague only. Not even a friend. And way younger! And cannot tell him about me no matter how much I would love to. He is not interested in listening to all the bad stuff. I will tell him about how I cry, that the person he knows is not me ..... well... and what then? Nothing. He will not help me, he will not even remember about it the next day. Besides he is busy with his own feelings now.

It just hurts a little that he does not have much time for me anymore. He is very polite and always comes up with various excuses why he has to dash so soon to go somewhere or do something.

Or maybe that is the thing? Once I nearly told him my secret and.... he was SO interested in that. That was actually the thing that stopped me from saying anything.  He was way too interested. Since then I have never brought it up again.. And I think maybe that is the reason he is losing his interest. We still chat, seems like we have fun, he still makes me laugh... but maybe he is not as nice as I think? Maybe I should tread him just as a kid? I would like to decide to cross him out of my life..... Just not to get hurt again. The thing is I work with him. And I like him way too much to be able to do it. I am messed up.

I would like to have his problems. I would like to be able to finally decide which path to chose. Easy but sad life or very difficult and I guess pretty sad life as well. stay with my boyfriend whom I do not talk with much and who does not know me even, or leave him, barely be able to pay my bills, be alone without anyone I can talk to, no friends, but single and hopefully stronger a bit. Or more depressed maybe...?

I like my home.  I do not want to move out. I like my garden on the third floor. I love my plants and flowers. I even talk with them. And the rent - too expensive for a single person.

It is good that he is working this weekend. I will not have to see him much.

Isn’t it the saddest thing to say about a person who wants to spend the rest of their life with me?

At least I am happy at work. I have a great boss. At least she cares what happens to me.

I am a sad, sad girl.

spot spot
31-35, F
2 Responses Jun 28, 2007

well said...

Ask yourself, are you happy in the relationship? Ask yourself, what is the worse thing that could happen if you leave, and would it be that bad? The greatest successes take a little risk.