I'm Messed Up.

I have terrible thoughts. Sometimes I wish I was being abused, or raped, so people would feel sympathy for me. I'm a sicko for thinking something so terrible, and I know this. I also wish people around me were smart enough to see me for me. Because I can't. I don't know who I am or what kind of person I am, I make-up a new personality around everyone I meet, mostly so that person will like me better. I want to be a therapist but I sometimes wonder if I'm going to need my own. But I don't want anyone ever to see me as a terrible person, or to judge me, even a little. And I know if I confide my secrets in anyone, as I've never done before, that they'll judge me. I've had thoughts of self-harm, sometimes to punish myself, sometimes again to make other people feel sorry for me. I've scratched myself until I bled and I've felt completely alone and empty. And I've done this to myself. I hate myself, and I don't even know who I am. I just want it to stop.
Hippopotomus Hippopotomus
13-15, F
2 Responses Sep 22, 2012

There's nothing wrong with seeing a therapist. I've been to several as an adult. I recommend cognitive behavioral therapy.
Google Borderline Personality Disorder. Here's one link: http://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder-symptoms/
I think you may find it familiar sounding. If so, it may help you start to have a better sense of who you are and how to manage some of your darker thoughts. Cognitive Behavioral therapy is also about learning tools to manage your thoughts and to achieve goals. It's client-driven so you are in charge of where your therapy goes. No lying on a couch talking about your childhood (unless that's your goal). I really recommend your finding a therapist and getting to work on CBT. It changed my life. You can change yours.

I get it. I do, I've been through and sometimes think that I'm going through the same thing. The thing is, I don't think it ever will.... unless we learn to be proud of ourselves. The only way I can see to actually do that is to accomplish something, anything that means something.

I grew up with a diabetic sister and I'm not sure whether my parents handled raising us properly. I mean, its not as if they had a book with detailed instructions on how to raise kids, no one does. But in the end, I was the child who did everything on my own, I spent years trying to prove myself and get attention. When I turned 15... I started faking stuff. Epilepsy symptoms, over dramatizing everything that occurred and overall became a brat. All because when I realized that my family didn't really need me... I didn't know who or what I was here for.

I did self harm as well. I wished, begged at one point to have something really wrong with me so that I could deserve the attention I craved. I sometimes still do. But after doing everything I could... I ended up failing myself. I failed myself through school. I failed the few individuals who were trying to help me.

I repeated junior year, and I'm better now. Because honestly love, no one is ever going to love you or support you or be there for you like those people in movies or books. Or even like the way some others do in real life. But you can change for yourself. Start off with something small. Buy yourself expensive colorful bras, or get a manicure. Something to make yourself feel good about yourself. Set a goal, something you need to do. Something you know that when you're done, you'll have become someone worthwhile. Then start fighting. The journey that fight will lead you on... I promise it gets a hell of a lot better.

I don't know if I'll ever truly stop wanting attention or sympathy from others. I don't know if I'll ever be truly wanted. But I know that I will be accomplished, proud, strong, and worth whoever does stop to look. That's all I'm aiming for. Don't screw up your life like I did. My parents never did listen and still seem to consider me a failure because of my actions.

The hardest part is being able to look in the mirror and see someone worthwhile. But once you even get a glimpse of that person, or the potential you have, I promise it will gradually get better. You just have to fight for it.

Thanks so much! It helps so much to know someone has felt this way before, and your advice is really good! This really means alot. (:

I think you are mixed up because you battle against an alternate intelligence that wants to control you. You might think I am strange for saying so but I once battled against something that wanted me to commit suicide. I knew however it wasn't my own thoughts. I couldn't seem to do much to battle against it however so I prayed for help and I felt God told me to go down stairs and I did. My mother was going out and asked if I wanted to go with her and her friend. I went. On the way to town I felt I should give up my pride and ask for help. So on the way back I worked up and told them what I was dealing with and asked them to pray for me and what I was battling. They did and as soon as they prayed for me The Holy Ghost came down in the car really strong and we all Got drunk in the Spirit and immediately what ever was trying to effect me left and I never had to deal with it again. However after that I had a sympathy for people who feel suicidal and I feel what they feel and hope they too can be free from it because I know what it was like. It was only one day for me but I will never forget. I have had many strange experiences over the years however and not only that experience. Jesus also showed me once how much he even loves Gay people just as much as anyone when I was young in Christ and it was eye opening. Many other countless experiences one is attached to my profile as my featured story.

I wan't to share with you a secret I figured out one day I asked God to pick my wife for me. I knew I had my limits to knowledge of the future and so did my parents. I asked God to pick for me. My wife and I both had dreams and many events that let me know God was telling me he heard me and led me to her at the right time but I had to rely on him. I have had to rely on God to protect me a many times but I have had awesome experiences. I even have experiences from in the service for instance.

I just wanted to share that with you because I wan't you to know you are never alone and Jesus loves you and died for you to give you complete freedom from the opression of depression and hopelessness and to give you hope and power here and now while you live. I wish for you an in depth understanding of those things and experiences and freedom to grow and be an over comer against mans common enemy, and for you to blosom and have completeness. In Jesus name. Seek and keep on seeking and you shall recieve, amen.
God bless you,