Sorry, Couldn't Remember Any.

I'm trying to remember something positive. I always just get stuck with having him in every fekkin memory. I'm sorry guys. I hate to dissapoint but I would be lying if I wrote a story about my childhood and it didn't have a whole load of bitterness and hate in it. Maybe I'm better-off not thinking about any of my childhood. I have tried to do that. I should think I was most content when I was purposefully ignoring my childhood memories. I don't want to dig them up except when necassary, to write my stories for that account. I'm trying to write something good here.. butall the nice memories, always have him in the background. I think "oh, I was happy on that day.. but then I remember, I was still going back home to him. Even when I 'got-on' with him.. few occasions that it happened.. I was just trying to please him, so he'd start liking me again. I just went-along with what he wanted to do so he'd love me again but he didn't anyway.. it never helped, soon as he had a drink, or I did the slightest thing to displease him, it all came back, and the caring part of him just dissappeared. How can I live with all this hate inside me still.. I don't want to feel like this.

TheLuckyHobo TheLuckyHobo
31-35, M
5 Responses Mar 21, 2009

Wow...*hugs* I hate it when things have to go that way. My father and I have grown distant over the years, and often, we end up fighting over something stupid...but it always makes me wince when I see the awful relationships that take place - scarcely ever is it the child's fault. I have a friend down here with pretty bad relationship, too - worse, much worse, than mine - but, it doesn't sound as bad as this, whatever took place. I wish you didn't have to suffer such...but then, sometimes, it makes us who we are. Just remember..it's behind you now, and as all things change, enjoy what you can, when you can, even if it's little more than seeing a rose blossom or a spider weave her web.

Yup,<br />
<br />
Well, yeah.<br />
<br />
true.<br />
<br />
Aww.. *blushes*

It's odd how blind we can be to our own potential.<br />
<br />
Other people see the best in you, <br />
<br />
but we are our own worst enemy. :( <br />
<br />
For what it's worth though, I care... and think you are better then you realize.

Thanks, Storms.<BR><BR>Keep deleting my comment now... *sigh*<BR>I am living for other people now. I mean I'm surviving for them, but still not allowing myself to live. That may sound a bit off-topic, but that's why I'm "here today", not because I'm able to deal with my problems.

You're not the person you were then.....you're stronger and better now then you ever were!!!<br />
<br />
I've never been through HALF the things you have, but I still am racked with guilt daily for the things that I did go through as a child.<br />
<br />
It’s hard to overcome, but the fact that you are here today, is more then a very good start -you’re at least half way there.