I Am Thinking About Divorce

Today during lunch, my husband basically admitted that he is not happy. Why I could not just say "I'm not happy either" I do not know. Instead I said "I'm happy a lot". Which is not really a thundering endorsement of our relationship but still is not the complete truth. If I could just say I am not happy either and I think we should be done with this relationship then this would be going much easier. But I have this problem where I feel guilty for wanting to leave. My husband is disabled, and I can no longer reconcile the two roles of caregiver and wife. I am more of a caretaker than anything, and I am very unsatisfied with my marriage. This makes me feel like such a terrible person; compound the fact that we have a child together makes the situation more difficult.

I would like more than anything to have the balls to say "I'm done" and for us to mutually agree to be done, since he's not happy either. I go through the daily motions instead, texting every few hours the words "I love you" so he knows where I am and what I'm doing. When he comes home from work, we'll sit on the couch side by side, not speaking or speaking banalities about our work day. And the sad thing is that I do love him, you don't just take care of someone for 8 years without loving them or having feelings for them to begin with. But the nature of those feelings have changed, and I no longer wish to be married.

I fear so much that I will not say anything and let things continue the way that they are for fear of confrontation and feelings of my own guilt. This is not how I wish to continue my life, but I don't feel I have the right to leave. I knew what I was getting into; I wish I'd been more realistic about what I could handle. I thought love would conquer all but it doesn't. Marriage takes work, from both parties, not just one who is always working and fighting to keep the relationship together in spite of enormous incompatabilities and issues that are not dealt with for fear of recrimination, guilt, or anger.

I guess the point is that I believe completely in hindsight being 20/20. If I'd known, I would have still married and had my child because she is a great joy to me. But I would have changed the nature of our interactions from day one, and not set the expectation that I could be a nurse and a wife to him. I've done neither of us any favors by pretending to be so for the last two years either. Now I just need to find a way to end it as painlessly as possible. But love is messy, whether it's coming or going. This is going to be one of the darkest years of my whole life and I can either stop it and continue to live in the gray, or I can let that train just wreck all around me and hope I come out in mostly one piece on the other side.
leftwantingmore leftwantingmore
36-40, F
6 Responses Apr 10, 2012

I remember when I first heard from my wife that she no longer wanted to be married. About a week before my hospital stay for two weeks and during that time and before she had set up a nice railroad job for me. No it wasn't fair at all how she planned and conspired against me leaving me on very unequal footing. While those details are not needed to say this. I am glad she did. Her last acts spoke volumes about her character. She is gone and is pursuing her path which is way different from my own. Which is the point. While at the time it was a horrific deal mostly from the surprise without warning other than all the hints I missed along the way...Love is blind. And so was I. 28 Years worth. There with the hind sight you mentioned was many signs that was overlooked because I was too close to see it. After the fact is like a billboard.<br />
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Now down to it. I am glad this came about. Neither of us was happy. Not complacent. There seemed to be a question for a very long time as to what IS going on? A slow closing off is a big sign when you know it is one. Another is you no longer wish to do anything together because neither of you are doing anything the other is interested in. This is a growing apart in life. Is this a fault? NO! No one is at fault. Are you the same as you were when you were 12? I would hope not.<br />
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So as you can see it would be rare that a couple would remain anywhere in the same neighborhood in interest. Now I have to say, there are a few who are able to watch the other and stay amused by them as interesting. Keeping the basic love of the other alive. Kinda like the commercials on TV where the guy is watching his wife and still chuckles at her strange ways. That would be when it still is working for you.<br />
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When that is not there it is not. Here is when you know things are off and can not put a finger on it...look and see what you still see. If you see nothing you have already moved on. Now has your spouse? <br />
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We had both moved on, just not apart. More like room mates. It was time to move on. Just still has a shock value to it no matter what. If it was to be done over, it would have been nice to hear, "Honey, in a few weeks we will not be living together anymore. I am going on a permanent vacation." The shock still comes even if your ready for it. <br />
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The thing is if your are not happy it is not your partners fault, that is all on you. If you are not happy being with your partner take a few days "By yourself" no dates no girls nite out no guys fishing trips. But, By yourself alone! See how you feel without them around. Do you feel more relaxed? Do you feel less comfortable without them? You will soon be able to tell. Another tip is do you find you do NOT want to go home after work? Do you stay at work longer if you can or because you have too?<br />
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Self examination is wise. Now if you see you feel better without them and you see it is time to move on, then do so! It will be better in the long run for you both. I am happier and I have no idea if she is. But she did get what she wanted and then some ~ and she got out! Why stay and keep each other feeling bad to worse? Just put your hand in a vice and keep making it tighter why don't you? You will get just as much out of it.<br />
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The only other thing if for finance reasons for both of you. It has to be beneficial for both of you is to stay and agree to see others and use the protection of your marriage to keep others at bay as needed. A great deal can be had when worked right. A political thing may apply here. Big CEO or any other situation like this that applies. Bill and Hillary.<br />
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Think it through first - check to see how you feel with or without them - then is it better for all involved to stay or go?

Is his mother and father still live, or brother or sister, sometime ask them to come over and give you a break? Where you can go out, shopping, gets out for lunch or dinner, or just go outside to the backyard just rest take a walk in park, then you won't be stretch out so much, do this you will feel better about yourself,

Just because you leave doesn't make you a bad person. You started a "dance" early on in your marriage. It is more expensive to be single. I'd never discount the value of couples therapy.

Seeing the situation more fully through your responses, you should level with him and say, "I want a divorce. I'm willing to be your caretaker for another 6 months and, during that time, we've got to figure out a way for you to be taken care of without me." Due to his disability, you've got to give him some transition time; you can't just hang him out to dry. But, somehow, some way, no matter how hard, he's got to make alternative arrangements. If you give him some time, that will be the most humane but, if he fritters the time away, you just have to pick up and move on. The choice isn't having you be his caretaker forever: the choice is between abandoning him with zero notice or abandoning him with some notice. If you wait until you can't stand it anymore, then you'll just walk out on him one day and then where will he be?

All I can say is that I think I understand. I've been through the "caretaker" situation and I understand where the guilt comes in. Nice to see that you are doing your best to assess your situation in an honest manner. And that you have no desire to be hurtful.<br />
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Are you in a situation where 'respite care' is appropriate and/or available?

The problem with any type of care other than a home/living care facility situation is that my husband is in a position of authority in our town, which is very small. He does not want any caretakers coming into our home to gain personal information about our life. As a case manager for human services, sometimes he has to deny people services based on ineligibility, so retaliation is a concern especially if they are in a position to harm him. I think he may end up needing a facility where he can live that others are available for care but where he can still be independent.

Is it possible to hire a nurse for him? If you removed some or all of your caretaker duties, perhaps it would be easier to sort out your feelings. At that point, you could relate to him as a husband only and find out how you truly feel. You could stay or leave without the guilt.

I have thought about that but we don't have the $$$ to hire outside help. Most likely he will need to have some sort of assisted care at some point. But your thought is a good one, I have brought it up before.

We have progam you can use like Miphelle P. wavier progam here in ky, you may live in a difference state, you can call your human resource office, they will tell you to get in touch with, if you live in a different country, call human resource office at your location, they will provide services for you and your husband, hope this help you out some ,