I Am Thinking About DivorceToday during lunch, my husband basically admitted that he is not happy. Why I could not just say "I'm not happy either" I do not know. Instead I said "I'm happy a lot". Which is not really a thundering endorsement of our relationship but still is not the complete truth. If I could just say I am not happy either and I think we should be done with this relationship then this would be going much easier. But I have this problem where I feel guilty for wanting to leave. My husband is disabled, and I can no longer reconcile the two roles of caregiver and wife. I am more of a caretaker than anything, and I am very unsatisfied with my marriage. This makes me feel like such a terrible person; compound the fact that we have a child together makes the situation more difficult.
I would like more than anything to have the balls to say "I'm done" and for us to mutually agree to be done, since he's not happy either. I go through the daily motions instead, texting every few hours the words "I love you" so he knows where I am and what I'm doing. When he comes home from work, we'll sit on the couch side by side, not speaking or speaking banalities about our work day. And the sad thing is that I do love him, you don't just take care of someone for 8 years without loving them or having feelings for them to begin with. But the nature of those feelings have changed, and I no longer wish to be married.
I fear so much that I will not say anything and let things continue the way that they are for fear of confrontation and feelings of my own guilt. This is not how I wish to continue my life, but I don't feel I have the right to leave. I knew what I was getting into; I wish I'd been more realistic about what I could handle. I thought love would conquer all but it doesn't. Marriage takes work, from both parties, not just one who is always working and fighting to keep the relationship together in spite of enormous incompatabilities and issues that are not dealt with for fear of recrimination, guilt, or anger.
I guess the point is that I believe completely in hindsight being 20/20. If I'd known, I would have still married and had my child because she is a great joy to me. But I would have changed the nature of our interactions from day one, and not set the expectation that I could be a nurse and a wife to him. I've done neither of us any favors by pretending to be so for the last two years either. Now I just need to find a way to end it as painlessly as possible. But love is messy, whether it's coming or going. This is going to be one of the darkest years of my whole life and I can either stop it and continue to live in the gray, or I can let that train just wreck all around me and hope I come out in mostly one piece on the other side.
leftwantingmore 36-40, F 7 Responses 2 Apr 10, 2012