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I Couldn't And You Shouldn't. It Isn't Actually About Sex.

The past 2 years have been really difficult in my marriage. No affection then no intimacy and no sex. It got worse through the summer and came to a head in November. I had to face the possibility of divorce and began to build my life as an individual. I lined up a place to stay and figured we would end it after the holidays. I still loved my wife but I wanted to hate her so it would be easier to accept. That didn’t work. Read my stories and you’ll see how those conflicting emotions were tearing me apart. None the less, with divorce looming, I started forming friendships and flirting with women but any more than simple flirting felt uncomfortable and awkward. It was just that the feeling of being desired is so essential to one’s well being. It is difficult to realize until you are deprived of it just how much it means to you. I had gotten so depressed that I would rather have been dead than no longer feel human, feel attractive or valued by somebody. But even at this state, I didn’t cheat on my wife.

I felt miserable and detested my situation but I still respected and loved my wife even though I thought she hated me. The fact that I am Christian played a part in it also but mostly it was that though my body was asking for sex, what I really wanted and craved was intimacy. It would have been much more gratifying to me to just snuggle and kiss my wife all night than if I had sex with someone I hardly knew.

As fate would have it, Thanksgiving day, my wife and I spoke and cried… a LOT. We were both at fault for various things and we both talked about how we felt. I took blame for my part and asked her forgiveness. We both forgave each other and are now moving forward to resolve our issues together.

If you read this because you are considering an extramarital affair but searching for a reason not to, please take to heart that my wife and I were at the brink of divorce and still able to resolve our issues even after years of difficulty. Consider if sex will actually resolve anything in how you feel before cheating on your husband or wife. The physical act of sharing your body with someone else is such an intimate thing. I don't think I would have gotten past that if either of us had.
FlauntTheImperfections FlauntTheImperfections 41-45, M 12 Responses Dec 16, 2011

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I love how you reason this and your why's of it. I appreciate you writing this. I would not have been able to express it as well.

Thank you for the compliment Kat. This was not easy to write and as it turns out. she never accepted any blame for her part but I forgave her anyway. I should have taken that as a clue. We never went to counseling and things never got to the 'working on things together' part. Right now, I can not wait for my divorce papers to finish. I feel I have wasted my time and my life trying to put effort into maintaining a one sided marriage. I am not wasting another minute of my life on it.

Wow....that was beautiful....Thanks for sharing.

I mean the part that both of you cried and opened up to one-another......:)

Thank you. This situation held us together for an additional two years but now we are in the same situation again. After I went to family counseling, she said she would join me but never did. I went for 3 months by myself before I quit, feeling like a fool. I didn't know if she just didn't care enough to go or though there was nothing wrong with what she was doing. I suggested going back several times throughout the next 2 years. nothing. The same situations came right back along with the lack of communication. We are now getting a divorce. When she asked me.. without asking, I agreed. She feels I didn't try and I feel she didn't. We are not working as a couple and this time. I'm not going to try to force her to work on the marriage. She's been treating me like a second class citizen for too long. As hard as divorce will be, I think we will both be happier in the end.

Its just sad to know that when one spouse is so willing to work on the marriage and the other is not. I'm not married but the fact that one has an integrity and not give up on that is I think one of the most precious thing one can have.
You have a great endurance. You will be blessed in the end.

Why not try a separation at first then see what happens, when u are divorced that's it. I can see how much you love your wife and she must be very fortunate.

God bless you.

Thank you for your wonderfully supporting comment. I do love my wife but it has been aparent that she does not truly love me. When we have issues, she doesn't communicate, she just starts treating me poorly. When we run out of money, she gets mad when I tell her she can't get something. I just need to admit to myself that I was more a financial support system for her. So now, I will still be a support system for her until my son grows up, but at least I will have a chance at happiness. I'm sure she thinks I'm the bad guy, just like I think she is. That is why a separation wont work. We have lost the ability and desire to work together. It breaks my heart but again. We both deserve better than this. My son will be the only one suffering in the end. God bless you. Enjoy palm sunday.

This is a sad situation but I only hope for your happiness most especially your SON.
Have you read the book Men are from Mars by john gray?

No. I don't have much time to read so I read very few books.

that's a very god book to read for couples and singles. i've just read some parts. though.

I understand....

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I admire your endurance and your love for GOD than your own desires.
it is still the most important thing in this world to remain in God's Love and to the person whom you owe love. This is selfless and is not easy to be selfless.
You are showing loyal-love to your wife. She is very very fortunate to have someone like you and be free of guilt and self-inflicted pains.
Your experience only shows that it is not an option.

My parents have been married for 35 years.
It was a rough marriage but since they are both Christians,
They respect for their vows. Struggling to do what is right.
My mom has been away working for more than 20 years abroad and would come visit my every year. (normal setting in the southeast asia)
This I think made my dad so depressed that he can't support us materially so
my strong mother take the lead to supporting us . (She's just very strong and the people around her loves her, she has a positive aura on her face-trying to be strong all the time)
This will be her last contract for she is coming soon for good for my dad.
When she's here my father just blossoms like a flower!
They are loyal spiritually.

They are now in their sixties and retiring.
I can see and feel how hard it is for my father but he's not dad so strong to provide us materially and we (my siblings) resent that.
He has so many issues and so do we and my siblings.

when i talked to our youngest brother who has 3 kids(the only who has)
about how dad behaves he just says, he's never change and mature...
but we understand, it just hurts that he's chosen to be that way.
He's cultivated to be an alcoholic. -we just understand him,
his grand kid 5yo turning 6(would tell him don't get drunk and yeah my dad is being teased by his grand kiddos'. its a topic for teasing him)

BUT I admire him for not having an affair.
Just an affair with what he calls "Gina Miguella"- san miguel gin tonic. PEOPLE LOVE HIM FOR HE'S humorous.

Thank you for the comment. It is very difficult not having a fulfilling partner in life, either by choice or by situation. I'm sure he appreciates your support. It is a shame he found comfort in alcohol but when key parts of your life are missing and there is no way to fill them correctly, we sometimes choose the lesser evil.
God bless you and your family and I hope your siblings overlook their resentment of him before they realize what he has gone through and it is too late.

I respect you more my photography coach:) loads n loads of best wishes!

Thank you. :) You are quite kind.

I commend you for working through a very difficult time in your life. I've been married for a little over 20 years and still remember the pastor saying during our ceremony that after we say I do "the real work begins". That was so true. Most of it good, but our fair share of troubles. It's good you realized that an affair was not the answer. I assume it would result in guilt, regret, betrayal of your faith and an emptiness more vast than you originally felt. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you. Sincerely. I can't say how others feel about the connection between cheating on a mate and betraying their oath through faith. This is deeply imbedded in me. It is directly tied to my sense of honor. It is so wonderful that you've had such a strong bond through the years. God bless you both.

I have a friend, who recently confided to me his only relationships in the past several years have been with married women. He describes this arrangement as "intimacy without intricacy" and insists he cares for these women and all the details are discussed and agreed on fully before anyone goes down the hall with him. He has had one negative experience but on the whole has remained friendly with these ladies "once the curiosity has been satisfied" and they simply stay married and never tell!! He knows how I feel about this (I am married myself) so we just have to agree to disagree. He is 28,handsome,bright....normal in all other ways.Does anyone else think he has a point?

Thank you for your response. Even I can understand why he would do it. He doesn't want to be burdened by courting or be stuck with one woman in a relationship... but wants to benefit from women sexually. Sure he can remain friends with them. He doesn't have to answer to them. He can do this with single women but there is less of a chance one will become attached to him and 'want' if targets the married women.

I understand the woman are using him as well. But to me, this is like wearing someone elses nice cloths and underwear to a party and then throwing it in the owners hamper so they have to do the laundry. Not only is it nasty to be where someone else frequents but it is dishonorable and inconsiderate to the relationship he is infringing.

Thank you for sharing this. I think the key thing is this-<br />
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You can either focus on not having an affair, or you can put effort into the relationship. You and your wife *communicated* openly which essentially what saved your marriage. <br />
<br />
Now things have been mended. Hopefully you both can continue this positive path of communication.<br />
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Congrats!

Thank you so much for your comment. Be well

Thank you for sharing your story, and praise God for bring you both back together! May He continue to bless your union. Remember never to take each other for granted and keep talking and communicating with each other. Take care.

Thank you so much for the blessing. We are both taking care not to underappreciate the other, speak more openly and most implortantly, listen more intently. May God bless you as well. Great job on your Garden by the way. :)

Well put! An affair is the wrong way to go..especially when you are vulnerable...and when you are hurt by your spouse. Any short term boost to your ego will always be overshadowed by the long term guilt over an affair and if you werent having self esteem problems before you will after an affair. How awesome you had the insight!

Well put! An affair is the wrong way to go..especially when you are vulnerable...and when you are hurt by your spouse. Any short term boost to your ego will always be overshadowed by the long term guilt over an affair and if you werent having self esteem problems before you will after an affair. How awesome you had the insight!

I'm not a Christian, but I am a moral person and I totally agree. Cheating is a cowardly, negative action that does nothing good for anybody. I'm glad things are working out for you. :)

Thank you! Enjoy the holidays. :)

There's a lot that goes on in christian marriages that we sometimes find it hard to talk about publicly....more so the church hardly addresses this issue strongly and intermittently we allow our ego, feelings and other plays better role in our life than what the Bible encourages to do, especially when there is disunity in tackling our issues. <br />
God bless you so much for sharing.

Thank you so much for the sincere reply Tina.

My pleasure