So True...

I wholeheartedly agree...I would rather be alone, and I have been...for five years now. Part of the reason is due to my recognition of the fact that I have been affected by various traumas in my life. And I am a Gemini born in the Year of the Snake. So not only are there two completely opposing sides to me, but when I feel threatened, I also have a coil and strike mechanism in me. Thus I can never predict when sexual if I shall be the one who is endlessly open and free, or the one who is feral, instinct-injured, wounded and who recoils when touched.

Although I'm never completely caught off guard in this way. I can actually tell within seconds of meeting a man whether I feel him to be extraordinary or icky. And what attracts me to a person (for I acknowledge I have kissed a girl and I did like it) is very little about physical appearance. I mean, where men are concerned, it's nice if their endowment measures longer than a pinkie finger  0_o  and intelligence is important,  for a man who can spell the words in the language he speaks is very sexy, but really, aside from that, for me it's all about their eyes, and all about their energy.

Because I'll see a photograph of a man and it will look and feel to me like a common photo. But then there are these others, these photographs, these eyes which seem to be singing, and the energy they emit is so palpable I can feel it wash all over me. Eyes that reveal a connection to something beyond this Tangible, eyes which tell the story of a soul who has dared to swim deeply down into himself and face all it is that he sees there, eyes which show a knowing of the mystical and the magical and the Unknowable, eyes that can weep as freely as they can be aroused with hunger, eyes upon mere paper, yes, and yet they are alive with the kind of love that is humble, and grateful, and gentle, and full of awe, and sensual, and respectful, and, when in the space where reverence meets passion, he sees the same in me... 

Yet between my old traumas, and their all-too-common activating triggers, and the fact that 9 times out of 10, eyes upon paper, or in face-to-face reality, through no fault of their own, simply do not speak to me, and the fact that I have planted myself in the smallest of towns wherein hibernation is too easy, and the fact that I yearn for Wonder in a world where people are too busy being compartmentalized and literal, and because, if the truth be told, I myself have begun to fall into a state of disrepair, well, it very much looks like aloneness is going to be my lot. And sometimes this feels like a vice grip on my heart. And at other times I'm just too tired to keep hoping.

Oh it's so late, and I'm not sure what I'm saying anymore. I just relate...because I will be alone for the remainder of this life if the Universe doesn't show me the way to the one of whom I speak. And if it appears that I am to be alone, I will not lament endlessly. Instead I will go to be of help to the suffering in this world, or maybe seek to enter a monastery. Thanks for listening... ~ Hillary

Faersylphaelsea Faersylphaelsea
41-45, F
1 Response Aug 10, 2010

Thanks for sharing. :)