It's Not As Perfect As You ThinkI so often feel like a tree standing in a clearing in the middle of a forest.
I look about and see all the other trees and life having a great time. Sharing, playing, creating more life, talking and laughing.
Yet every time I stretch forth a branch to touch another tree with the desire to to make that tree a part of my life I get another twig broken and another part of me dies.
I've been alone for a very long long time while I was busy raising my children and getting on with my business. The worst of it was the tedious learning to control the intimate desires a body has so there wouldn't be woman after woman in and out of the lives of my children. It took many years to get that under control but I did. Then too about twelve years ago I had some health problems that almost cost me my life. My children were young yet and needed me and I fought and pulled through the depression of losing my ability to work as I once did and those of not feeling like a worthwhile productive man. I retired. Eventually I turned to my hobby of farming to pass the time and play. I can find help for the things I can no longer do myself.
Now I find I either no longer have those intimate desires or have placed such an importance on them that I don't have the desire to share them unless I'm totally sure the other will fit in and be a part of my life for whatever is left of that.
It was a hard addiction to break and allowing it to run free again could lead to much more agony of getting it back under control.
Heck there is the possibility some things will never work right again!
This has been on my mind for months but only as a mild wonder. After reading something I was reminded of this and it has been heavy on my mind ever since.
There was a woman who reached out and caught my interest. She found a crack in my walls when she expressed an interest in my life and a desire to garden and grow things. When she said how much she liked exploring and enjoying nature. We talked. She said of her desires to have a greenhouse and to grow things to sell. She said she wanted to be a part of my life.
Well, I have the room for a greenhouse. I have the land and equipment to grow things. She sounded like the perfect playmate to share whatever is left of this life. She even stated that my doubt about intimate things working any longer didn't matter.
After plans had been made and much work had been done I found myself coming home alone with nothing more than the pains and sadness of a broken heart once again.
She was very desirable! We seemed to touch souls when we talked and when we were together. I enjoyed her company and only wanted to spend much more time with her. There was the opportunity to share our bodies...
As I said though I ended up coming home alone because she had a change of mind.
I'm not upset with her, I'm not angry with her. Matter of fact I think any guy would be lucky if she would decide to share her life with him. She has so much to offer the right guy.
But have I transcended the intimate needs of a body? Is it that I can't get physical until I see real and total commitment? Or have I done such a good job of convincing myself there is no need of intimate contact that I've permanently shut that off?
That really makes no difference to me.
What does though is the thought that because of that I may find myself alone with no hope of finding someone to share my life.
Why am I writing this? There seems to be no answers for me in these thoughts. I seriously doubt that anything anyone could say would make much sense to me about this.
Yet I feel compelled to write this and share it.
Maybe it's just meaningless dribble flowing from a foolish mind.
Maybe there is more thought to come from this that will lead to the proper questions and answers.
Maybe it's a warning to someone to be careful what you wish for and strive towards.
You may get what you wish! Then find out it's not as perfect as you think...
You too could find yourself alone in a forest of life.
oldfarmguy 56-60, M 3 Responses 7 Nov 14, 2012