Deception And Deceit

Have you ever , moved through life completely blinkered and oblivious to someone else, who at the same time is going about their daily life seemingly in another dimension. His movements though , are going to eventually accumulate and culminate into a climactic explosion to irreversibly change your life for ever.
Unbeknown to you , their plotting to bring about the demise of everything you had both shared , cosseted and nurtured in the past .And the future you both had planned and I had taken for granted as being inevitable, was never going to be realised or materialise . I was no longer destined to experience our future plans hopes and dreams
He was so far away ,an eight hour flight from my sight and prying eyes and completely out of my reach He had already abandoned me and I was hopelessly alone. I could not grasp him and beseech him or question his inexplicable destructive actions.
I was naively lulled into a false sense of security , the catastrophic situation was waiting in the wings , lurking and observing me going about my daily business oblivious , innocent and ignorant.. After all this way of living was what I was accustomed to and had been for the past 30 years. So why now after a life time of domesticity , babies ups and downs would I even remotely suspect that it had concluded and sadly already come to its heart wrenching end.
His callous cruel infidelity , blind sided shocked and totally debilitated me, for a long time after. It was the worst time of my life .
My body rebelled and reacted to what my mind was being tortured by. Just the smell of food made me heave and sent me running to the bathroom. I constantly experienced pains in my chest ,I started to wonder if the theoretic fallacy of a broken heart did actually manifest itself as a physical condition ,because the pain in my heart was real.This terrifying situation consumed my every waking thought , I was exhausted but sleep rarely came.
In one foul swoop everything I had known , and was familiar with ,was gone being part of a couple , a wife , being protected, taken care of and sharing a history of events , knowing the same people and both having the same goals to work towards,. My security was floundering on the edge of a precipice and I had no hope of it ever being restored.
In the mornings I woke up , to be reminded that this was the harsh reality of my life now, I kept thinking he would come crawling back, and show remorse, and be so sorry for all the chaos ,hurt pain and destruction he had caused, That it had all been a terrible mistake , and some how would be remedied.I did not want this ,I was forced to receive the uncomfortable unfamiliar feeling of it all spiralling out of my control. But it was never to come to that and the trust had irreversibly been destroyed and so had my faith in him and our future.
I attempted to read I would read a page ,and when I reached the bottom of the page I had no idea what I had just read. My mind refused to stay where I was instructing it to be.So I would throw it aside and give up. I was no longer able to watch the television, it was impossible for me to witness other peoples daily trauma and drama I could not rationalise my own , it was far too painful to witness and force myself to become involved in the hurt pain and devastation of other's My already tortured overburdened mind could not tolerate it.
I made a humongous effort to return to work , I felt very weak and was anaemic from lack of nourishment and my nerves were in shreds.
I had to constantly reassure myself that I was surviving coping ,and I was going to be aright.I told myself that all was required was to just get through the next ten minutes and if I could accomplish that then I was more than capable of surviving the next and then the next. There was no longer any one else there to say anything kind, loving or give me the affection I craved. .
It took immense strength fortitude and courage to present myself again to the outside world as an acceptable calm rational pleasant being.
I was falling apart inside.

LydiaRia LydiaRia
51-55, F
Jan 23, 2013