Perfectionists Beware!

Identifying the wrong ones out of the right is not a simple task, but, an even more interesting question is:

Who would be the right person? Is there, somewhere on the world, this ideal person that you have in your head, this soulmate, this person who makes all your wishes come true, the person who you've been waiting for? Yes, you only live once, but would this mean, in order to get it just the way you want it, would you wait? Would you even wait until the end? How much could you wait?

Especially for us girls, it's easy to 'save yourself' or wait for 'this special one', but, does this person even exist? Is it realistic? And what is realistic to expect? Aren't you giving yourself restrictions in what you want because you want to 'keep it real'? Is it worth it to even wait for this person? Or does your expectation go down the longer you wait, and you think you might have found him because you've waited enough?

Is it your lack of patience/motivation to find that one special person, the fact that you don't know he exists, or maybe, your taste that changes gradually over time? Does your taste change according to what you get, see, go through? Could anything that isn't a real physical experience (let's say, books) change your taste? If it would, could your taste be non-existant? Is your taste about them, or about you? Does your taste -need- to define -you-?

There are a hell of a lot a**holes out there, and it's not worth your time or energy to engage in any kind of connection with them, but, how would you -find-, -identify- that ultimate person you've been waiting for?  (Do you believe in love at first sight? Spider-sense is tingling?)



Additional info: I know a few women who had high expectancies, but eventually went for the 'best friend'. Ofcourse this is a good choice, but I am still wondering, were they, eventually, lonely? Desperate? Or was there a moment of eureka? Had the best friend changed into the one, literally, or just according to them? (so did their taste change). Did they simply give up on their perfectionism (gave up ideal? CAN you give up taste, and have a great relationship on the long-term?)

XVII XVII
18-21, F
5 Responses Mar 9, 2010

As I have explained before, I believe that the very idea of perfection is flawed. I have come to realize that all that one does by making a list of things they want in that perfect person is finding a way to fit someone into their ego. After all it is their ego that is enabling them to talk about that perfect person, and name those qualities. Furthermore the ego changes and hence the so called tastes do as well. If one is to continue to seek out that person based on those tastes, one is merely gong to subject him or herself to torture. Heck, I can imagine finding "happiness" with someone who merely loves and appreciates me, but for them to be a "soul mate" requires something else. It is this underlying connection that brings two people close together and that brings forth the feeling of love that is the most important, more so than the love itself.<br />
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So I guess you could say the perfect one, is the one you have a connection with that you do not have with any other (of course this is all ill-defined still). However there is another important point and that is once you discover the connection, you could do one of two things. You could allow the clouds of reason and the control of the ego to take over, and allow the one that you have been so attracted to become reduced to a list points on paper (and now you can imagine someone better). Or you could completely trust in the mysterious connection that has brought the two of you together. You could love so completely and allow yourself to be loved in the same way. It is only when the two who have been drawn to each other can give into something deeper, something they cannot understand do they become "soul mates". The difference between soul mate relationships and other romantic relationships, is the feeling of peace that one feels with one another that is even independent of emotion. So you could say that a "soul mate" is the absolute pinnacle of relationships, a level beyond one that is reasoned and one that is felt emotionally (though reasoning and emotions become a human way of dealing with the connection).<br />
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Also in regards to XVII's comments. I believe that contrasting people generally correspond to the relationships that cultivate the spiritual connection and transcend to become true "soul mates". This occurs because the two are not at conflict in a rival sense and because they are different they will see each other in a way independent of themselves. Furthermore the fact that they fit together in contrasting ways further strengthens the connection and forces them to relate to one another in both a deeper sense (where they may be fundamentally the same) and a higher almost "spiritual" sense that only makes sense to the both of them.<br />
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I think I am rambling now, so I will stop.<br />
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I also wanted to add that some people do not have the necessary ego to find their "soul mate" or to transcend to that level. Not only does the ego hinder us, but it is also necessary for two people to be drawn together etc...

to sunflower101: How about contrasting people then? Some people don't share the same attitudes, but get out the strengths in eachother and do actually go well. <br />
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You can make life very simple, but some things could essentially be complicated when needed to explain.

People that get together seem to have the same attitudes about life. I don't think it's a matter of who u think it would be, like details on someone's profile. It's not that complicated.

I'm inspired. Great points by both of you. A lot of things to think about. So many questions I wish I had the answers to as well. I think in finding "the one"... you have to take the good with the bad. I don't think anyone could be every ideal you aspire them to be. You just have to love and accept them for who they are. Before I got in my current relationship I had lists of "qualities" that I wanted to find in someone. I have no issue with being alone,(I actually prefer it).. So me "settling" for someone that didn't meet my "criteria" was easy. I would never be with someone just because I didn't want to be alone. I'm with someone now...and still am alone most of the time.<br />
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Upon meeting my girlfriend....She seemed like a "perfect fit"..... but the qualities I initially fell for...were just "surface" qualities. Yes, we liked the same things... Yes we had good conversation and similar beliefs. We seemed to understand each other...we had a "connection". <br />
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But as time goes on.... I wonder if the things I love about her are enough to compensate for the things I dont. As i go deeper.... the person whom I thought would be my ideal, ends up not being so. I love her and I want to accept the faults(or what she lacks)... but does that mean I'm settling for what I don't really want? We throw people away too easily... cast them from our lives because they are who they are..and not everything we want them to be. Maybe over time we'll learn to love the things we once didn't like about them. Maybe learn to appreciate them for what they are rather than what they aren't. But what if we don't? Can you live, knowing that someone else "might" be out there who could give you what you want? And would you wait or search in vain? Chasing an illusion? <br />
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I don't think one person can fulfill ALL you needs and expectations. I think we tend to expect too much, sometimes. But what if it's a major thing? The major thing for me is, I want some one who is more sensitive, not so numb...in-tune and attentive to my emotions, a deep soul. Is that person still out there for me? Have I grown too comfortable in this relationship...so I don't want to leave? Do I believe that she's as good as it gets? We have to "learn to love one another"... for ALL that we are. I might leave her and find someone that can give me what she can't... but is that person gonna be able to give me all that she can and has? I don't know. <br />
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I don't think I'm anyone's "ideal" woman. So.... How can I expect anybody to be mine? I'm going to stay with her... Call me a "sell out"... say I settled for less than what I deserve. But if she's not the one... I guess she's the "prototype"

Okay, scientifically very little progress has been made in understanding mental processes. The problem lies in the fact that mental processes are difficult to measure accurately. So I want to make the point that the idea of perfection is not a scientific one, different people will disagree on what it is. So then perhaps a critical thinker may conclude that your idea of the "perfect one" is not a fundamental one. Perhaps we are deceiving ourselves. There are other concepts, in Physics for instance where our intuitive ideas deceive us. For instance the assigning of a position and momentum to a particle simultaneously (quantum mechanics). Or the idea of absolute time. This is the first point I wanted to make. Perhaps perfection doesn't exist.<br />
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However, the idea of perfect can prove useful, even though it is not very accurate. You see, if you look at a coin it will appear oval from almost every direction. However, we say the coin is round and that round is somewhat more perfect. Is round ever possible? The concept of a round coin can then be used to describe what we see from all other directions. It guides us. In the same way the idea of the "perfect one" guides us. However in the same way that round doesn't exist so does the "perfect one". (same point argued differently)<br />
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The second point is that our experiences are subjective, whether you see something as being positive or negative is up to you. Our tastes (clearly) do change over time, so there goes the idea of the "perfect one". It is like when I ate olives for the first time I didn't like them, but after I had more and more I began to love them. I learned how to taste them. Of course the taste has to be there to begin with, which is where the idea of perfection can guide us to it, but it too can fail. You could take bites out of every chocolate in a box of chocolates, to realize the best one you through away or never gave a chance.<br />
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As cliche as it sounds, I believe there should be a kind of balance (interestingly, the balance point cannot be put anywhere without the idea of perfection). Often the amazing circumstances by which people meet is enough to convince them it was "meant to be". Then they work on it they "learn to taste". Without something like this many people simply give up. Sadly they need to be inspired to actually give the relationship a chance.<br />
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Also you say does the perfect one exist. Tell me what's perfect? Define it then I will tell you whether it does.