I Would Rather Be Myself And Disliked Than Fake And Adored
O How I remember "Who I used to be", or better said "Who I made myself to be"... It is sad when we pass ourselves like a used car salesman, to the people we want to be around with, or the people we desire to be with, for the rest of our lives... I am ashamed of the falsehood that reigned within me. Only to be accepted or to be loved.
I made myself out to be a perfect cut faceted diamond, Lies, deciet and misdirection were my facets, as I tried to sparkle with colognes and the latest fashions, the sports car and the best of the best pick up lines (my heart aches with agony confessing who I used to be, I am naked to reveal what I did).
But one day, when it pleased God to take me out of the mire, He changed something in me, when God revealed to me that I dont need to decieve anymore, that I dont have to lie to Him or anyone anymore, if I remember correctly Father God said this: I love you Arturo, just the way you are...(You do???) But I love you toooooo much Arturo, to leave you that way !!! (What???). Did God see potential if I surrender and be still?
In the past 8 years, God has struck blow upon blow, faceting me who I have become today, I am God's unfinished work and I believe I will continue to be for the rest of my life (sanctification), I try to do what is good and I fall again and again (Romans 7:13-25), but God is there to position me until the next blow of His mighty hand, shaping me to sparkle for his glory and not my own (1 Peter1:6-7). If you see me today in an aspect of my life, I sparkle for Jesus, the beauty that shines is a reflection of My God, but you may watch me from a different angle in my life's woes where, I have not surrendered and I have not been still, that God may strike once more, to eliminate those minerals that opaque, who I am or suppose to be. I am one grain and beam of the salt and light of this earth, my God declares. Therefore, I must keep my integrity by polishing the facets with confession and repenting from the dross, that once covered and shamefully even still partially covers and stains me with minerals of this world, that hid the beauty within.
Of all things, I am polished with the blood of my Mighty God, Jesus. Though I still see imperfection within me, I know that I am a better person though my imperfections are visible for all to see, I am humbled to the rejection of seeking the beauty and perfection in Truth, the world hates me, and stays away, no longer dressing to the latest fashions, no longer coveting expensive I smell good colognes, I am humiliated by the lowliness of my estate.
I am no longer the "Master of the Universe" when I knew it all! I did it best! Tall tales were my brilliance, lie after lie, faceted blows to the contrary, I was a counterfeit diamond; a cubic zirconia, but better yet a plastic faceted mirrored back costume jewel.
I am no longer loved as I was, I used to be Mr.Happy Go Lucky, They called me Arty The One Man Party as I hosted extravagant parties. Now, I have wondered will anyone call on my birthday? (without my mother making them) Will anyone love me passionately?
I have taken the makeup off at My Father God's request, Will anyone love, who I trully am? Will I be judgedby the evil of other men? If everyone hates me because I am with you Lord, hated for revealing light and truth. How will I ever be passionately loved again, with no car, no cologne, no bank rollling job, What sweet nothings do I use to be passionately loved within? I am afraid to ask if I am punished to live alone for all the days that remain in my life. Virtuos, Godly women cross my path, but I am not desired, I sincerely but humbly try to get their attention but to no avail, I have desperately and dominantly tried but no effect, I have prayed and pushed for your blessing and you have lovingly humbled me to humility and loneliness.
Everyone hates me and You are ALL I have left!
Take me Lord, Please, take me, for there is no (eros) love left for me here!
As, I Arturo see as my forefather Adam saw, that there is no helpmeet for me on earth!
I was loved by the world, for whom I forged myself to be, with lies!
Now, I am hated for sincerely manifesting the true man within; confessing the wretchedness and who I am not no longer! Still depised and called a liar, for your command for truth and honesty I am compared to the man I am no longer.
Atleast you love me Father God!... I have become a reject of this world, and I am humbled with humility which the Truth brings, atleast I have The Almighty God who has and is, and will always love me into infinity, for who I am and not who I make myself to be.
O, I wish I was in heaven now, that, I might enjoy the warmth of Your being, holding me tightly and telling me "You will always love me and will never let you go!" I want to hear from your lips "I have died for you, my love and I will love you forever. (something, I will probably never have here on earth)
Father, I am nothing without You, I am weak without You, I cant do anything right if it wasnt for You, I cant love or take care of anyone if I dont have You!
You sustain me and everyhting that I do!
Tears,
Matthew633
