Coming Out? In a Sense.

It started over a year ago. I've always been concerned about my weight, even though most people would say that i am the perfect size. I played sports in high school and never thought about how i looked. Now that I'm in college it is all i think about. I'm not involved in sports anymore so i think i have to work out to stay thin. I've never been the best eater, but I'm learning to eat my veggies and fruits everyday. It's a constant thought in my mind. What am i going to eat today? How many calories did i have already? Should i be eating this? I'm sick of worrying about these things, but i can't seem to think of anything else. I finally found a man who makes me feel good about myself, but the damage started way before he was around, so its hard to stop it now. I remember the first time i made myself throw up. My eyes  entirely red with burst  blood vessels. I didn't know what to tell people when they asked what happened to me. I lied of course, and even wasted money on a Dr. just to ease my parents' concerns. Now I've been doing it ever since. Not every day, but more often than i would like to admit. I can go a whole day not eating unhealthy and then by the end of the day, when I'm alone and bored, i binge, and purge. Anything that might have too many calories is bound to come up sometime that day.  

I have wanted to stop for a long time. It makes me sick even to think about. I want to tell someone i know and get some support, but I'm too ashamed. Today, i read into Bulimia and its affects and it scared me to death. I always knew about the skin and teeth, but never the heart failure and those serious things. My uncle just recently passed away from what could have been an aneurysm. He was very sick and was throwing up a lot. When i thought about that something snapped in my head like, maybe i should get help before something terrible happens to me and no one knows why. So here i am, getting my story out. Trying to get better. Strength is my weakness but I'm going to work hard to overcome it.  

If anyone who has gone through this can help, please do. I want my life back. Thanks

happyfeet21 happyfeet21
3 Responses Apr 1, 2008

Hey I know you wrote this a while ago, so I don't know if you will read my comment, but I just have to say that my story is very similar to yours, and i cannot tell you how helpful it is to hear that someone else is struggling with this same awfulness. i was a cross country runner in high school and hte beginning of college and have always been thin. But I am terrified of getting fat and so starting my sophmore year of college i would eat huge amounts, and then not eat anything or work out for hours in the gym. This past year i had my first full time job and i didnt have time to work out as much and so i started to vomit. i had already seen doctors for excercise bulimia, and so i knew this was NOT something i wanted to be doing. I started to see the doctor again immediately and they prescribed prozac to me. it helps, but i am still binging/throwing up about once a week. <br />
<br />
i am glad that your boyfriend knows. I am terrified of telling mine. The doctor told me its ok not to. But i know that i desperately want to stop doing this, but i keep messing up. <br />
<br />
but i guess im telling you this because i feel sort of akin to you?

live day to day!!!<br />
stay strong and belive you can get through this!!!<br />
it doesn't have to take over your life! <br />
i am in the same situation as you...wanting an escape! feeling guilty and heartbroken from the damage i'm doing!<br />
i don't now where to turn either!<br />
i have a beautiful partner, who loves me for who i am inside and out, and she tries to support me all she can, but like you- it started way before she came along!<br />
the fact is, we have to find an underlying reason to this, and we need proffessional help!<br />
try eltting sum1 else control ur calorie intake- sum1 u trust! <br />
keep urself busy or at least in sum1 else company as much as possible and stay away from isolating lonely situations!<br />
bulimia is draining and emotional!<br />
you can fight it! i can fight it! we can fight it!<br />
we can come out the otehr side!<br />
stay strong<br />
don't give in<br />
all my love<br />

You have a great guy in your life. Let him help you go throught this hard time. My heart goes out to you. I never go through this before. You can ran, walking. Don't think about those calories. Think about your wonderful boyfriend. How much you love him. Keep your mind occupied. You like to play sports. Great. Go play sport with your buddies or boyfriend. <br />
God bless you.<br />
Greeting from Canada.