This story goes out to all of you who are grieving the loss of a love, I hope that what I have to say here may offer some small measure of strength for you to carry on and that someday perhaps you can be that strength for someone else.
I lost my husband unexpectedly in November of 2012, here I sit writing this almost two years later in hopes that I can reach out to any one of you right now who struggles with this unimaginable pain whether it's recent or it's been awhile, to offer you hope and some small measure of strength to take another step forward.
I recently went through a diary I started when my husband died, I have always kept a journal but this one I entitled the Grief Diary. I ran across a poem that I wrote, I think I could count on one hand all the poetry I have ever written, I found my creative flare in other things but I want to share it here with you because when I wrote it I was in a place so dark I thought the pain would kill me....then I realized I wasn't going to be that lucky.

TO MY HUSBAND
The night you died I cried and cried
I cry still every day
Wondering why you didn't stay
My soul bleeds
My heart is broken
My head is full of words unspoken
I miss your hugs, I miss your touch
Your pain is gone
My pain is too much
It makes the days drag on and on
I try and try, but get nothing done
It's not for the lack of want you see
There just isn't that much strength in me
It's all I can do just to get out of bed
Sometimes I lay there and cry instead
I wonder if I've let you down
I wonder if in my sorrow I'll drown
" Only if you want to "
In my head I hear you say
"One tiny step"
"Rome wasn't built in a day"
You have a job to do
So each and every day
just take one tiny step
I'll do the best I can to help along the way
Although things are different now
I never left your side
I have heard every prayer you have uttered
I have seen every tear you have cried

Fred kept his promise in the phrases of that poem, he did help along the way. When the pain got bad I leaned into it, I was amazed to find that it held me up. I learned to embrace the beautiful things that were happening while I shouldered this burden of loss, I saw that every time there was a hurtle I couldn't cross, suddenly a blessing was right behind it that got me through it, but don't think for a minute I haven't had to do my share of being proactive to make things happen each experience is going to be different for each of you but there are a few constants for everyone in this journey. One is that it does get easier to bear over time, that sickened poisoned feeling with the giant weight inside your gut that keeps trying to pull you to the ground, eventually, I found I noticed it less and less. No, it never goes away, and no your never done with grief it's like a stray dog that lives under your porch, it's better to just give it it's own corner in the kitchen and feed it then to try and kill it or pretend it isn't there you will be the only one to suffer by doing this because it will physically make you ill. Not everyone you meet or that you know will be able to deal with your grief, you may lose a few friends or stop speaking to some relatives, it happened to me and so far to everyone I know on this journey, people behave in ways that maybe on any other day would not be like them, they say and do heartless things, so just cut your losses and move one it isn't worth it. Find one small thing every day that is a blessing, even if your having a day where it would seem that none were given trust me they are there. I've had plenty of days where I was giving thanks for my health and that I got to eat that day and for my animals and the fact they were healthy and that was all I could come up with. Rest assured, as long as there is a breath left in your body and you live on this earth things can always improve. Would I do it all again? Absolutely, because all the experiences in my life have lead me to the place I'm in today and it isn't perfect but it is beautiful and I am blessed.....just one tiny step.
shair1tu shair1tu
36-40, F
2 Responses Aug 19, 2014

awwww honey. hugz

I'm sorry for your loss.

I tried to msg you this.
I have a friend here on EP. She\'s a few years older then you and lost her husband in 2011 I think. Anyway she's a great person. Her stories are honest and heart touching.

http://www.experienceproject.com/about/notmycircusnotmymonkeys