This Is Me (12/26/09 -3/17/10)

Everybody has their story. It's a hard story to tell, and writing this took a lot of a strength and courage. I'm scared of myself, and reading about myself just makes me wanna fall down crying, just to see how weak I am. But I know that I can make it through, and my story gives me hope too, not just sadness. My sotry is about my journey to find myself, and along the way cutting became habbit, an addiction, just like a drug. There wasn't a night I didn't think about my razor blades. I longed for them. I still long for them. But I can make it without them, I hope.

 

Yesterday I look in the mirror without a clue to who I am anymore. Where did my optimism go? I live in a ****** house with my mom. I have an younger sister who never talks to me and two brothers. I have pets who give me more love than anyone in this world ever could, which is sad, but I don't care. It is so much easier to hate than it ever will be to love. But Love is the key and once you are able to love, you're able to do almost anything, but again, hating is just so much easier.

 

I listen to a lot of angry music because I always feel angry. When I get caught up in my thoughts I tend to go on for what seems like forever. I have friends in my life, some mean more to me than others. I kind of let one of the best friends I ever had slip away, but it takes two to tango. So lately my best friends have been the people are willing to listen to me, who don't care I complain or talk an absurd amount and don't mind that I just can't seem to drop this topic because I'm bound and determine to figure it out.

 

There is no "easy" button for life, I've looked every where, trust me. Sometimes you gotta got hit with everything thrown at you before you can start really being who you are, and start living life easily. You gotta hit the bottom before you reach the topI've been depressed for almost a year, I cut myself a few times back in March, April and May, nothing major. I cut myself again one time a school cause I was so stressed I didn't no what to do. It flew up from there. My hobbies started drowning themselves out, my love for photography, my love for reading, my everything became a blurr, I forgot what I liked, who I was friends with, forgot who I was. The razor was all I knew, the pain was pleasure, it was release. It fed my hate, made it stronger, made my mind weaker. Every happy thing was turned into black hole. Where the **** did Jeanmarie go? What happen to smiles and sunshine? What happen to loving life? Depression hit me harder than it ever had. It all started because, well honestly, It's been a year and it's hard to recall. I know my family had a big part of it. A lot of it was the monster that I created in my head feeding me lies. It had to do with Life, the human race, friends etc. Anything and everything could affect me, change my mind in some way or another. Sooner or later my depression came down on me so hard I left school "sick" and went straight to bed.

I didn't want to get out of my bed. I laid there for hours before talking to Adam on msn. This man gave me the strength to get out of bed the next morning. To get my *** out and into the school. He reminded me I have strength and I just have to remember it, cause will power is not easy to get rid of, and that I'll always have it no mater what. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. So began my strike on hacking myself up. Every time I felt the need I avoided it, I looked for any excuse to get away, walks, bike rides, phone calls, text message, anything.

Things got out of hand at home, my mom was always telling me what a good kid I am and how good I'll do in life...but how can I do so well when I don't even no where I'm going? I have NO faith in myself, no hope, none. What if I let them down, what if I let myself down? Well I already have, I'm a worthless failure. I wish I wasn't. I just feel so alone. Yet i know I'm not...My mom starting nagging on me to do well and that I should do more work around the house, and then my friends started telling me how much they hate how I've changed and that I should really give up being this new person I am and that I complain too much and that I need to relax and get over myself.

They didn't understand.Cutting myself seems to be my way to tell myself that I've done something wrong. I wish I knew another way...I want to stop, but sometimes...it feels impossible. The finish line of depression seems so close yet so far.  I realize now what a shame I am. Cutting isn't the answer, but its the only one I have right not. I avoid that answer if I can though.

Today I got one step closer to the day my depression stops. Today I took a step forward, I actually accomplished something, I did something I thought to be impossible. I looked in the mirror today, and started to recognize Jeanmarie, I saw her old smile, & her old eyes that hold so much peace. I'm beating this, and I don't think I could be happier. I have taken advice from a few wise friends and in one day have made a difference. Music has changed temporarily, avoided my old routine as best as I could, I lived for today, not in the past, just for the moment.


I'm not better, I'm still depressed, I still have that monster inside me, watching, waiting, for the moment I let my guard down. I will not say I will never cut myself again, because as of this moment, I'm not sure if I won't, this monster is breathing down my back and I'm doing everything I can to rid myself of it. Until I'm sure I can rid my monster, my depression, for good, I will not make any promises. But I can promise I'll try very hard not to give in, to use my will power to stay strong. And if I fail, well, it's just human to fail and make mistakes, and I'll just have to get back up and try again.

 

Depression is not something that will go away with time, it is a battle. A war with yourself. There are two sides to a person. You have the evil and the good, and when they start to blend together is when war has broken out. Everyone can beat this war, everyone takes a different path to success, and everyone move at their own pace. War doesn't end in a day. War ends when the battle is won, and sometimes the battle will last 1, maybe 5 long ******* years. But Everyday you don't give up, everyday you fight back, is a day well spent. You took the monster and ******* kicked it until it bled for you. Some days that monster will take your mind and control everything you do, and there are days where it will seem like the monster is winning the battle, but it's not. It won't win if you believe in the strength everyone has within them. Some have more than others, but there are always people to give you strength to carry on. They will help you, whether they be friends or family or strangers. Keep going and don't ever look back. This words are burning in my mind, these are the words that will help me survive, these are the words that will beat my monster. 

jeanmarie1120 jeanmarie1120
18-21, F
May 16, 2012