It Doesn't MatterI'm strong, I have to be. Life has given me plenty to work up to this point. You could say I earned it, the reward is a tough impenetrable hide. It's been a long time since there was something I couldn't handle. When four months ago, I was raped, I felt the same. It wasn't the first time it's happened. I'm not this vulnerable Innocent virgin. I don't have to react like one. What is there to violate when it's all been done before? Crying about it never helped in the past, why do it now? I don't have time to waste on victim/recovery crap. There's gotta be a footnote version for an expert. These four months all of this worked fine. I went on as if nothing ever happened. I'm even glad it happened, it made me wiser and stronger.
Then there was yesterday. A tiny feather dropped on my tough exterior. Everything I refused to cry about came flooding out. I can't stop crying. I'm not even sad. I don't really feel anything. This shouldn't be happening. I know this routine, it's old hat. Instead I want to run away. I don't want anyone to see me, feel sorry for me. ****! There isn't a safe place when the danger is inside of me. I used to try to kill it, rage against the helplessness inside. I can't sit here, I can't stay. Where do I go? How do I get there? No! I'll be fine. I'll be fine. Life is short, people depend on me. This really doesn't matter in the bigger picture of life. I'm o.k. I''m o.k