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It Doesn't Matter

I'm strong, I have to be. Life has given me plenty to work up to this point. You could say I earned it, the reward is a tough impenetrable hide. It's been a long time since there was something I couldn't handle. When four months ago, I was raped, I felt the same. It wasn't the first time it's happened. I'm not this vulnerable Innocent virgin. I don't have to react like one. What is there to violate when it's all been done before? Crying about it never helped in the past, why do it now? I don't have time to waste on victim/recovery crap. There's gotta be a footnote version for an expert. These four months all of this worked fine. I went on as if nothing ever happened. I'm even glad it happened, it made me wiser and stronger.
Then there was yesterday. A tiny feather dropped on my tough exterior. Everything I refused to cry about came flooding out. I can't stop crying. I'm not even sad. I don't really feel anything. This shouldn't be happening. I know this routine, it's old hat. Instead I want to run away. I don't want anyone to see me, feel sorry for me. ****! There isn't a safe place when the danger is inside of me. I used to try to kill it, rage against the helplessness inside. I can't sit here, I can't stay. Where do I go? How do I get there? No! I'll be fine. I'll be fine. Life is short, people depend on me. This really doesn't matter in the bigger picture of life. I'm o.k. I''m o.k
deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response Feb 8, 2012

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I'm so sorry. I've never been raped, but pretty sure if it happened, I would react just like this. The refusal to act like a victim. So, you are not a victim, but you are a survivor, and you still need help to deal, and not with shortcuts. You can't do it by yourself. Doesn't matter how strong you are. Pain like this eats at you, affects your decisions, your state of mind, how you relate to people, until you confront it. I wish you all the best.