My Abuse.

How can I be brave?
How can I be different?
These are the questions I always ask myself. Maybe be more social or prettier or even fit in better.
How can I know who I really am? Things get confusing sometimes. Searching for who you really are especially when other people want you to be this person but you want to be this person. But they do not like that person because it was not their idea. It was your idea…the wrong idea in their mind. They don’t care. They get upset if you choose different. So you choose theres so they will be happy and get off your back. But, your not who they want you to be. Your hiding the real you…your fake.

I was abused when I was younger.

I am not looking for sympathy. Instead I am writing this so that people will be more careful, so they will aware. I use to get abused all the time. For 6 years I was an only child. I loved it sooo much. I had my parents to my self. So when my sister lacey* came along I hated her. I wanted my parents back. My parents where drugies and alcohols and sex addicts so you can imagine the life style. But I still loved them anyways because to me I thought it was normal the way we lived. My step dad was Mexican and my mom was white so I am the only one that is white. I have a different dad. But my step dad …we had a love hate relationship…loved him when I was gone hated him when I was with him. He was very controlling and wanted everything to go his way. Well sorry that I did not like being controlled lol. I use to call him fat and tell him to leave me alone. And he would spank me for it. I would get mad and go tell my mom. She didn’t do anything…duh I deserved it. Well as time went by, I grew up as a tom boy big time…I would go out side and play with bugs and climb trees all day long. Well one time he told me that we were going to the lake. And we all got ready to go. I was okay with going to the lake but I didn’t know how to swim so I was afraid of the water. I was 7 at this time. He got mad at me when we were in the lake because I would just stay at the shore of the lake and play in the sand and every now and then put my feet in the water. So he pulled me to the side and told me I needed to get in the water or else I was gonna be in trouble. I said I didn’t want to go in the water. I was fine playing in the sand. So right then he literally bent me over and spanked me. I cryed and went to my mom and she said that I deserved it. It was little things like that that made me pull away from my parents. After awhile he would just spank me for things that were small like…not tieing my shoes the right way or putting pink on. Because he said it was to girly. Then one day he thought it would help me to swim if he just threw me into a 11 foot deep pool. It scared me really badly I screamed and couldn’t swim at all. I tried doggie paddling but it wasn’t working. The next thing I new I was on the out side of the pool and the ambulance people were hovering over me talking and flashing a light in my eye.
My dad told them that I feel in the pool and by the time he saw it it was to late. Lies lies lies. I didn’t trust him anymore after that. I hated him. It got to the point were he owould make sexual refernces tords my mom about me… like….
I use to wear my underwear and a tank top around the house until I was like…10. and he would tell my mom, you better get some pants on your daughter before some one bones mom would just laugh but my dad was serious. He started to pull my pants and panties down when he would spank me. But frist he would rub my butt very slowly then he would hit it really hard. I would yelp and he would laugh and do it again.
My mom started to smack me across the face when they got mad, hitting me with the metal part of the belt. Shoving me into walls. Picking me up by my shirt. He would have me lay on the floor in front of him on my tummy and spread my legs and lay there until he told me to get up. He would make me do it when friends were there to.
He was a horrible person and I hated him sooo much.
When his friend martin molested me he said I was lieing and my dad never believed me only punished me for lieing. He told me I was like my mom…’if me did anything to you then you would like it to much to go tell on him for it anyways’
I wanted to die and thinking about it I feel gross and stupid for not fighting him off to the best of my ability. The things they did were horrific and some of them I can’t say on here cuz its hurts to much.
gentlyyours gentlyyours
18-21, F
1 Response May 15, 2012

My dear sweet angel...I am so sorry this had too you happen to you. I wish that I could take this horrible pain away.I won't tell you that you will ever forget it...because you won't... I won't tell you that you will forgive them... because truthfully... you won't.... accept that it happened and mend... heal Let it out!!!...yes.They know what they did.... and you cannot change them ..don't even try.... just be darling...remember you are beautiful... do not let anyone ever tell you otherwise... I know.. I am a survivor.... do you understand ...what I am saying...?<br />
Be Blessed....<br />
Love to you..<br />