I Don't Like The Person I've Become. My life story.

Finding my place never really seemed to be a problem growing up. When I was 10 my 4 month old sister died of SIDS, on my birthday. I was the fun kid growing up, everyone loved me. When my sister passed I was struck and my whole persona on life changed in a sense. I never had or have had thoughts about suicide but I have wondered what life would be like if I did not exist. I am a angry person at home, when my sister died I became distant with my mom. I talk to her and I love her but I can't express myself the same way to her. I almost have this built up anger in my heart for no reason, it seems like she knows all the buttons to push.. but I get angry at anything she says. Anyways, when my sister died we moved to a new town about an hour away from my previous home. I left all of my best friends, when I say best I mean best. Since kindergarten I stuck by these guys. I found myself in a situation I was never put in before, finding my since of identity. I didn't know how to react to my new environment, I was picked and tossed into a white based well-off town and here I am the mixed kid (Black and white if your curious). Now my first year in this town, which was 8th grade, I was very liked (at least I thought so). I was the social guy, I was always with a group of people after school and on weekends, I was never alone.. things were great. I thought this place wasn't so bad after all. Soon I started to see people digress from me, this was the late summer of freshman year where I started to see who I thought were my boys, become distant. I thought I wasn't good enough, perhaps it was the way I act. I changed, my town, which I call the "bubble" cemented me into a figure I didn't want to be, I hated it. But I kept with it, I saw it as a way to keep friends who I thought would be my boys throughout high school and now they have no connection with me. This is very hard for me to open up but I feel I need to do it, hear from people my age and get advice... this next part is really tough but I want to open up fully, but I digress. Drugs became a larger part of my life, I would smoke everyday usually, but I controlled it, people still liked me. Liked me, but didn't talk to me outside of class like before. With this new found "identity" that this town morphed me into I now found myself having to lie to everything I was asked, I mean everything. It was almost like, I had to live up the "guy" everyone saw me as. Its become almost second nature to lie about me, my life, everything that goes on around me. It's subtle things I lie about, for example if one of my friends ask if I have something and I don't, I will say I do and hope I get it so I don't look stupid, (I'm sure you think I'm pathetic), I can't really put you in my shoes and understand fully. I knew deep down, that I was lying, but the "cool kids" expected it out of me. So I would go with it, and most the time the lies would bite me hard, and who likes a kid who lies? It is now my Junior year in high school and I hate the person I have become, I use to be so out going, when I moved her I was so open minded and this town closed it up. I know my potential, and I just wish everyone would see the real me. I wish I could just be the kid who people genuinely like, nothing bad to say about me unless its of some sort of jealously. I know that when I came to this town, I was not the person I am today. I don't have any regrets, but I do have goals. But accomplishing those goals takes hard work, and I know I could do it. I burnt a lot of bridges since the summer going into freshman year. I have rebuilt some of those bridges, but I don't like the way I did it, I made my same mistake and led them to think that I was the same guy just more controlled. I don't like that and I do wish I did differently. I am very lost, I want to be a social guy where people call me up and ask to chill like before. I made this thread in hopes that someone, feels the way I feel or has felt this way and can just talk to me. I plan to reinvent myself in a good way this year, I plan to get in really good shape as most of my insecurities comes with my body (I am not fat in the least) but I am "awkwardly built" you could say. I plan to buy p90x as one of my classmates used it and man did it work. But with physical change takes mental change to have a full identity change. I am completely open to anything anyone has to say, good or bad I'll make the best out of it. If you did manage to read this fully, god bless you and hope to perhaps hear back from you. One love-
Jackson92LA Jackson92LA
18-21, M
Sep 8, 2012