I'm Hopeless

I think my problem is that I get too swept away with things – too lost in the possibilities. A simple story can leave me reeling for days. I obsess and calculate every outcome, dreaming.
But I don’t have any dreams, not really. Which is odd because that seems to be the only thing I’m good at. I can’t seem to do anything right. A problem with no real solutions. I’m depressed which makes me lose interest in things, but me not doing anything only worsens my depression.
Is it bad that I almost want to fail now? It seems that I’ve been coming to this point for awhile, but couldn’t really do anything about it. The more depressed I became the less I tried. What’s the point anyways? I don’t even feel sad while typing this up. Just apathy. Emptiness. Nothing.
I want them to hate me. To give up. To stop trying to help me. To see how pointless it is. What a lost cause I am. I want them to hate me as much as I do.
I can’t even remember why, really. It’s just that I have for so long – hated myself. It’s a part of me. And my depression is a safety blanket. In an odd way the heaviness in my heart is comforting. It’s the only thing that doesn’t change.
But I don’t want people to hate me. I die for acceptance, I’m just a teenage girl after all. There’s no point in denying my nature. I have always struggled to please. It’s like being torn in two, at war with myself, only the bad part is bigger. The part that tells me I’m not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough. But everybody has issues like that at some point, so why can’t I deal with it on my own? It just seems like a stupid waste of time.
This whole thing is so stupid and cliché it makes me want to vomit. That is how much I hate myself. I literally make myself sick. It’s just sort of an all encompassing thing that I feel. There’s not really a specific reason – I just do. I can’t explain it. It’s not even for any of those reasons earlier. I just do. I have. And I probably always will, if only a little bit.
I guess that’s it for now. Bye.
sbj120 sbj120
18-21, F
Dec 3, 2012